Getting support is really hard

[Ellie_C89]

For a long time, I have struggled with my mental health. I go through periods when everything is fine but as I get older I feel like my resilience is getting weaker and weaker and I am finding it harder to deal with things that wouldn't have bothered me in the past. I am 32 and since I was 16, I have been medicated for depression and anxiety but never had a formal diagnosis by anyone. I have long-standing issues and I have been to many GP's and felt like I haven't gotten anywhere productive. The medication doesn't work and getting in to see a specialist is almost impossible since COVID hit. Appointments are full until next year. I am at a point now where I feel like everything is too much and when I think about disappearing I feel relief at the thought. I know this isn't right and having a father that committed suicide, I know all too well the pain that it causes those left behind. But as time goes on the things that have been a barrier to me ever thinking of taking that next step are slipping away. I call Lifeline on the days it gets tough but there is no real continuation of support, its a bandaid and I am left thinking can I really keep going like this until next year just to see a specialist. I am sick of my anxiety, depression, anger outbursts, constant worrying, fear, paranoia, tiredness and more getting in the way of me enjoying my life. It is exhausting constantly having to push through and do daily tasks and maintaining this perfect professional persona at work. My sister has been diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar disorder and a myriad of other things and in hindsight, I should have sought help a lot sooner, but I am the older sister and I tried to be strong. People relied on me to be the rock, but now it is desperate and I don't know what to do. Even getting into a GP is difficult if you want to see a good one that actually cares. I am scared if my partner knew how dire my situation is he would not want to be with me anymore and I am scared of losing my job because I am so sensitive now. I know we shouldn't rely on google to diagnose ourselves, but I have for a long time felt that I have more than just anxiety and depression. But when I have spoken about it with a GP they just put me on a different anti-depressant. I get so angry a lot and I am trying so hard to not be like my parents but I feel like every day I am becoming more and more like them and then I hate myself more and more and its this destructive cycle that just doesnt end.

[geoff]

Hello Ellie, and a warm welcome.

Even though you're the older sister you can't be expected to be healthier, more knowledgeable in certain aspects of your life or able to overcome adverse circumstances more than your younger sister, each one of us is completely different, able to handle the situations that confront us, so age is not necessarily the solution.

We also have to appreciate that there are many types of AD's and it may take us a while trying different brands or types before the adequate one is found, and I have tried many types before the doctor found the one that worked, as all the others had side effects that didn't suit me, but the one I've been taking only adds to my tiredness, that's not a problem because it works.

Yes we all use Dr. Google but the only way to find out is by trying the medication ourselves and then decide.

What I would suggest is to write down, in point form if possible, what you are experiencing, trigger points and the situation you're in, then the doctor can read what you've said, this makes it easier to talk to them when they ask you 'how can I help you' because if it's not documented, we tend to forget the main problems and get stuck on an issue that may not the problem causing all of this.

Please let us know how you get on or if you want to say anything, then please ask.

Geoff.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Ellie-C89

Are you sleeping one of the best thing’s we can do for ourselves is sleep. Your GP can help you with that. Also you can have a full physical with blood tests everything to make sure you don’t have undiagnosed vitamin deficiency or inflammation and kidneys are working well no inflammation markers in your tests. Check hormone levels etc. GPs are great for prescribing something that will help you sleep and there’s different stuff out there now not just drugs to knock you out.
Also a mental health dr while they are diagnosing you next year will more than likely tell you to get regular exercise and to engage with nature. In my area I’m told to take shoes off and walk on sand and get my feet wet.
When everything is so huge it’s helping me to break things down to single items. I’m on prescribed vitamins and I’m getting help from exercise physiologist and going to a new gym. It’s got special equipment and is very small and super friendly. There’s proper health professionals there and it’s not intimidating. I’m seeing a psych next week but it’s only 3 visits but if I like them I can book more but it’s probably going to be expensive.
Make the booking for next year and ask to be put on cancellation list. Some hospitals have mental health wards and if you feel unsafe call 000 and call ambulance.

One of the things that’s come out from me getting help now is of course I’m suffering from serious mental health issues after what’s happened to me and around me. It’s expected that anyone would be seriously struggling and feeling worthless and helpless. One of the biggest things that they found was I was not to think about or talk about certain things because it was making me experience the trauma again. Might not be like that for you but for me it’s true. I will see what this new psych thinks and if they have a greater insight into exactly how this has affected my life and how to fix it.
I think you are at a point now that you don’t want bandaids you want the total fix too.
keep searching and be nice to yourself 💕

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ellie

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for trusting us with your story. I hope that it helped you to put it all into words and release it.

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father and, of course, in particular for the way he left. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you.

I lost a family member years ago in the same way. For me, it’s not been something I’ve ever gotten over, I’ve just learned to carry it.

It’s really hard to be “the rock” and it feels from your post that you’ve been struggling to keep it all together for a long time. Keeping up appearances, wearing your “mask”, exuding strength when you just want to fry. I’m not surprised that you’re exhausted.

It is clearly time to look after you—and I know you know this. I fully understand that it’s hard to find the right help but ask yourself, what’s the alternative?

I want to encourage you to persevere. Make the appointment, even if it is next year. Lean on this community and call the helpline when you need to as you wait. Bandaids, sure. But if it helps you through that’s okay.

It would probably help if you could lean on a friend, family member or your partner, too. MH can be hard to talk about but I have found that people can surprise you. Your partner may not want to run, your partner may want to help. Just something to consider.

Good quality sleep, healthy food, exercise, connecting with nature and making time for things you enjoy will help too.

You can do this, Ellie. One day at a time, one step at a time. You’re not alone anymore.

Kind thoughts to you

[Positive_vibes89]

Dear Ellie_C89, sorry to hear your doing it really tough. I understand the pressure of being the older sibling. I too have been the rock of the family and have been putting on a brave face. It really does take a toll because we forget to look after ourselves because we put others first. I am deeply sorry that you lost your dad to suicide, it would have been a very traumatic experience of loss for your family. Googling your symptoms is the worst thing you could do for your anxiety. With mental health diagnosis there are alot of symptoms that can manifest into different ilnesses, a doctor or psychologist needs to diagnose you correctly. Dr google is not your friend. Im pleased to hear you use lifeline as a support/outlet when you are in dire strait, its amazing that you have a strategy to go to. Keep using this strategy if it works for you. I feel that you should seek some support from your husband, as he loves and cares for you. Im sure he will be willing to give you some support or help you seek some support. I can suggest trying to call a GP through telehealth, doctors after offering this all over australia. If you feel you are not getting anywhere with ones in your area. look up ACRRM Telehealth Provider Directory.

Psychologists also have the qualifictions to disgnose a mental illness, are you on a mental health care plan through your GP? You can always get a referral to a psychologist through your GP but it can cost when youre not on a mental health care plan . https://www.yourhealthinmind.org/find-a-psychiatrist this link you can search for psychologists in your area or in other areas where you can commute. In the mean time I really encourage you to reach out to all of us on the forums for support, give beyond blue a call or lifeline.

If you do feel in crisis call 000.

I really do hope you can receive some support.