Dear Liia,
Yes, a greying of the mental prowess. Killing the buzz. Meandering through the monotony of daily schedules. Mood stabilising drugs tend to soften a bit too much and sometimes the fuzzyness makes me sleep midday too. My brain literally packs up for a couple of hours while the meds are being absorbed.
As a composer (and I note you're an author) I use music to break through this mental gridlock. I can write highs and lows whilst being comatised with the mood stabilising drugs. I can escape the drone of non thinking by being adventurous and creative. Sometimes even spontaneous. You can probably still write inspite of the chemical drudgery. A re-write or edit can spark it up later. I tend to play any new song a dozen times over a day or so just to reinforce it and say "Take that, bipolar, you bastard".
Unfortunately levels of bipolar meds increase over time. Your inability to function the way you desire will get worse. Our bodies adapt to any drug over time so, as a result, I am taking about 2.5 times more mood stabilising drugs than I did when first diagnosed in 1987. I am swamped with the mood stabiliser - slow release.
Maybe the fairest answer would be that it is probably both the "medication thing" (that you so eloquently put - Lol) AND your mindset (which may be a mix of chemical, bipolar and anxiety). When you consider great modern playwrights like Dylan Thomas would write "Under Milk Wood" in a complete alcoholic stupour and the fact that several authors use substances normal society would consider "out there" the use of mood stabilising drugs is merely another tangent of this author's authorship. But underneath, as always, will always be YOU.
This year I've done most of my composing whilst walking my dog. Just have to write it down on return. Even having a bath, washing up, cutting the grass are all great platforms for being creative. The desk/computer is only part of the creative process. We creative types are tempermental too so we can't win !
Adios, David.
Q: How can you, John Wilbraham, play lead trumpet in the BBC Symphony Orchestra when you are drunk ?
A: I practise when I'm drunk. [real life situation, c. 1980's, London].
Now add in any Rock Group known to man and you'll appreciate that great art sometimes requires great artists, not methods. Just saying.
