Don't want help anymore

[NotHowIPlanned]

Couldn't find anything on the forums or internet in general, so hoping someone here might help me.

Been depressed for a little over 20 years, been in and out of therapy, on and off medications to help me etc, a few months back I went to take my life again but got stopped by my roommate and taken to hospital, had sessions with psychologists and put back on medication, I stopped and cancelled all my sessions and stopped taking my medication, I'm so tired of the same routine of doing this again, was stressed thinking about doing it all again I couldn't go through it again, everyone keeps telling me to go through with it, but I can't bring myself to go through with it again with all the stress it brings me, I don't want help anymore if I know I'll be back in this depressing state again, rather just end it all then go through it again, has anyone felt like this before and got out of it or can give me some advice? Please don't say go to therapy, not worth the stress and anxiety thinking about doing it.

[HedgieHog]

It sounds tough and the pain unbearable. I think it is a daily and some times minute by minute struggle.  I have good times and bad . I have learnt to accept this , be kind to myself when I need to hibernate, procrastinate or eat junk.   I can't give advice but support and wish you the very best - you deserve it. 

[Croix]

Dear NotHowIPlanned~

I'd like to join HedgieHog in welcoming you here to the Forum. I can strongly sympathize wiht what I would call 'clinician fatigue' where one goes though roughly the same cycle again and again and ends up eventually back at square one. Then too therapy can itself be hard to bear.

Do you think it might be helpful to be with or talk with others who have been down the  same track? You may be able to do so here however I'd suggest a couple of other paths too:

The first is a support group, and to find those perhaps a nation wide listing with the Black Dog Institute might be a starting point

The second is a Warm Line, not a crisis line, where you can talk on  the phone for a while with someone with similar expereince. Id suggest the Roses in the Ocean Peer Care Companion Warmline,

An unusual setup that might help.

In relation to medications, I think I was a beta-tester for every anti-depression med that cam on the market for umpteen years, all not suitable. About 10 years ago I landed on an unconventional one that has had great positive effect, it really turned things around. So on that front I'd suggest you do not give up.

Croix

[Jane]

 I don’t have any answers but I wanted you to know I read what you said and feel sorry for your pain.

[NotHowIPlanned]

Thank you for the reply, sounds like me and will look into support groups, thank you to everyone with the messages, after this post I was sick and needing to go to the doctor, I was unable to go out of fear, my GP is a great doctor and been very helpful with me getting help, I couldn't bring myself to see my GP again after cancelling all the help he got me, hopefully over time I'd build up the courage to see him again when I do need to visit the doctors. 

[Croix]

Dear NotHowIPlanned~

Yes, after you've not been for a whie one can feel guilty not keeping up and showing appreciation. Makes it very difficult to go to the them again.

 Sort of gult and shame combined.

Can I suggest you write a  brief note saying that you simply couldn't make yourself come, however you know how much the Dr has done for you, then go on to list the reason(s) your coming today.

I think you will be surprised at your doctor's reaction, please at being appreciated and glad you are back for some more care

Croix