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Distraction rather than facing grief?

LoveSeeker
Community Member

Hi Everyone,

my partner is going through a tough time following his separation from his wife half a year ago. He was the one separating but he is going through a depressed period because everything is overwhelming him (e.g. guilt, seeking purpose, change management etc.). He told me that he is having a tough time facing his grief and the reality of his situation, so instead he is trying to continuously distract himself.

I am worried that he will not move through the grief process properly if he holds himself back from facing the pain and sadness to work through them. He is aware of what he is doing but he does not seem able to challenge himself. On top, he does not cry because his grandfather told him that real boys don't cry. So now, even when he goes to psychotherapy, he stops himself from speaking about a topic from start to finish if he finds himself close to tears.

I would like some advice on whether you believe that distraction can still be a method of getting through everything or whether this will indefinitely prolong his pain and difficulties finding back to a better path. It is taking its toll on me, too because I have full uncertainty on when this will get better. I handled my own marriage breakdown very differently and went through all my pain with a lot of awareness because I wanted to get out on the other side soon. I feel he is stuck in a loop of drowning his sorrows in keeping himself busy just so that he does not have to think and feel too much.

Can you also please help me understand what I could do to support him on getting through this better, i.e. how I could support him to work through his pain rather than around it.

Thank you!

11 Replies 11

Dear Mary,

thank you so much for replying again and for sharing your story, I really appreciate your help.

We are in a tricky situation now. My partner has determined that he needs to work through his grief and I am very happy that he has come to that decision. We agreed that we would not have much contact but we both struggle with what that means and how much is allowed versus not allowed. We have a few weeks of work travel coming up, so we will not be anywhere near each other and that will probably give him a good amount of space to work through his pain. But we also feel very drawn to each other because we are connected through an incredibly strong bond. So we are struggling with the thought of not speaking to each other but we are worried that that (or too much of it) may be a distraction again. Do you have any thoughts on how best to manage this kind of break we need so he can solve his past grief issues and stand on both feet before we can be together 100%?

Also, would you have tips on how to actually move through the breakup / divorce grief. My partner knows that he definitely needs to move through it but he is at a loss on how to do that. His therapist does not give him too pointed advice other than that he needs to go through it. But how? He is not necessarily a person that seeks reflection because he is incredibly scared of the emotional pain and loneliness. He knows he needs to face them but shies away frequently. How can he overcome his barriers to face his grief fully and wholeheartedly?

I have read so much but I do not seem to find anything that is really tangible other than people saying you have to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Well, that is easier said and done when you have avoidance tendencies. What would be beneficial for him to improve his life lastingly and holistically?

Thank you again, I am really very grateful!

Hello LoveSeeker

I find it tricky to give suggestions to people I do not know because whatever I say may not be right for their circumstances or attitudes. It really is a decision for them to determine. This is why the psychologist does not give much direction or appears to not give direction.

However I do suggest your BF talks more to the psych and how he feels especially about not knowing how to go about starting to heal. It can be difficult and confusing. When I first saw the psychiatrist I assumed, for no reason at all, that it would be like going to any other doctor who would decide what was wrong, possibly give me meds and give me other instructions on how to get well. Did I get a shock when I realised this was not going to happen with this doctor. I felt quite cheated as though I had gone there under false pretensions. It can take a while to absorb that this is totally different from seeing a GP or specialist. Perhaps the first step for BF is a good discussion on the roles of the psych and bf. Who does what and how.

This is a suggestion I had from my GP. Did I say she wonderful? She has looked after my mental health for years. I am guessing I am the opposite to your bf because I allowed all my emotions etc to colour my life. This is as bad as not allowing anything to come up. I got overwhelmed by the slightest thing and it would take days before I could think in any kind of rational way. Not good.

My GP suggested I allowed myself to sit with my thoughts for half an hour a day, setting an alarm so I knew when to stop. Not trying to find ways to get out of the situation, just allowing the feelings to come and letting them go. Now I am not a mental health expert and I do not know if this is suitable for bf. It would be best if he checked this out with his psych first.

The reason my GP made this suggestion was to help me look at my thoughts and feelings in a more controlled way. It may be good for bf to do the same by making an effort to look at the areas of his life that trouble him and which he finds difficult to access. Once he has a few peeps he may find it easier to talk about it to the psych. Ask him to check it out first.

It's really great he has decided he needs to move on from his divorce etc. This is a huge win on its own. Looking at himself in that context can help him see what and how life happened. No need for guilt or recriminations, just to acknowledge the past and how it worked out before moving on.

Mary