Distraction rather than facing grief?

[LoveSeeker]

Hi Everyone,

my partner is going through a tough time following his separation from his wife half a year ago. He was the one separating but he is going through a depressed period because everything is overwhelming him (e.g. guilt, seeking purpose, change management etc.). He told me that he is having a tough time facing his grief and the reality of his situation, so instead he is trying to continuously distract himself.

I am worried that he will not move through the grief process properly if he holds himself back from facing the pain and sadness to work through them. He is aware of what he is doing but he does not seem able to challenge himself. On top, he does not cry because his grandfather told him that real boys don't cry. So now, even when he goes to psychotherapy, he stops himself from speaking about a topic from start to finish if he finds himself close to tears.

I would like some advice on whether you believe that distraction can still be a method of getting through everything or whether this will indefinitely prolong his pain and difficulties finding back to a better path. It is taking its toll on me, too because I have full uncertainty on when this will get better. I handled my own marriage breakdown very differently and went through all my pain with a lot of awareness because I wanted to get out on the other side soon. I feel he is stuck in a loop of drowning his sorrows in keeping himself busy just so that he does not have to think and feel too much.

Can you also please help me understand what I could do to support him on getting through this better, i.e. how I could support him to work through his pain rather than around it.

Thank you!

[White_Rose]

Dear LoveSeeker

Welcome to the forum. It's a good place to talk and get tips and ideas. I am sorry you and your partner are going through this uncomfortable time. It can be quite stressful all round.

Beyondblue has some information on grief and loss. You can find it by going to The Facts at the top of the page then go to Grief and Loss. You can download whatever you wish. I think you will find this information very helpful. Do you think you could share it with your partner? I ask as he may not want to look at something that starts the pain up. It written to be read by the person concerned but whether that makes it easier or not I don't know. In any event you will have some ideas you can use.

I think managing grief is a very personal journey. We all have our different ways of coping and different reasons for the grief. So one size does not fit all. Distraction can be good. We do not have the physical or mental resources to be constantly upset without a total collapse. Ignoring it totally is not a good idea because the day will come when the dam wall breaks.

Does his psychotherapist know your husband stops short when he gets upset? I imagine this would be so. However it's hard to push someone to talk about some topics. When I left my husband I fell into a huge depression about a year later. It was horrendous, so much so that I had to see the psychiatrist twice a week. He wanted me to take sick leave but the thought of being on my own 24/7 was scary, so we compromised and I worked four hours a day.

Looking back I think it was because I was living alone and had time to realise the enormity of my actions without another voice keeping my thoughts balanced. I went through sadness, pain and guilt and tried to pretend everything was fine. I never regretted my actions but I was very lonely at times. I also did not talk to the psych about my husband, or not for several years. I was happy to talk about anything else.

I do not know what your husband thinks but we are both the partner that left so maybe he may recognise some of my thoughts. I have four children who had all left home by then. I worried they would be torn by our separation. I found throwing myself into various activities gave me the illusion of being in control. My life was perfect, or so I said. I'm good at denial.

Can you and him go out for a quiet day? Perhaps a picnic in a quiet location. Once there you can simply talk about anything. He may feel safe enough to start his story. Post in again.

Mary

[LoveSeeker]

Hi Mary (and all),

thank you very much. We did sit down and have a quiet chat. It was very helpful, especially because we are very good at communicating with each other and so the conversation was focused on mutual understanding and support. I understand him better now but I can also see that a reason why he has not moved through his grief properly is because he has been able to distract himself with me. And I don't mean that in the sense of him using me but because I am in the picture while he still needs to work through his break-up (which he induced because he was unhappy and badly treated). So we are not sure where to go from here. Neither he nor I want a complete break but I feel that in order for him to get through everything and be a "free man" for a new relationship, he needs to be without me. I suggested a break or maybe only seeing each other every two weeks or so. We are not sure what the right strategy is, so we decided that he will talk to his therapist about options. I am happy to support him as long as I can make sure I do not distract him from what he needs to get through. We care for each other deeply but as long as he has not dealt with the past, he cannot fully commit. And I feel as long as I am around, he will seek the distraction because, as he says, he feels great around me. I am already trying to be in touch little throughout the week. Not because I want to but because I want to give him space and time to feel his feelings. I am not sure whether he really is because I think he distracts himself with being busy or with tv or a book.

He is very self-aware and knows what he is doing, but he is in such a painful spot that he does not know what to do and how to manage it all. As for us, his therapist previously told him that a break is not the solution but that he / we rather need(s) to "manage both". But he did not say how, hence why he will ask his therapist for tips. He does not feel he can manage both but he also does not want to lose me.

Anyway, it is a bit difficult but we will see what the therapist says. I wish there was a way to give him a clear opportunity to move through this. I am just not sure what the best option is.

[White_Rose]

Hello LoveSeeker

I am glad you had the opportunity to talk with your BF. So much can be achieved by open communication.

In some ways I am inclined to agree with his therapist that a separation is not the way to go. However I do see your point about giving him space. Not having a clear direction can be most frustrating.

It is the nature of the beast that we need to struggle to move through difficulty. There is rarely a clear path because events crop up that were never anticipated. May I suggest that if you do decide to part for a while that you make sure both can contact the other if life gets too overwhelming or difficult. It's unfortunate he is in so much pain. Having been there for different reasons I have a great sympathy for him. He does need to be proactive In learning how to manage this painful period. Sadly there is no way to get past it except by going through. That's where the support is so necessary. Time is the other component. So many of our disappointments are cured by time.

I hope you will keep in touch.

Mary

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi LoveSeeker,

Welcome to the forum. It is great to see you reaching out and I agree with what Mary has said in her posts about Grief and Loss being a really individual experience. Grief is not always a linear process and for some people it can occur over many years. Grief can pop up unexpectedly and can also be buried and then later resurface. Resolving grief and feelings of loss is part of adjusting to a new reality.

I recall my own personal journey with a grief and loss situation and I would describe my journey as 'a series of distractions'. I would do new things, get very involved with friends who I had lost touch with, engage in activities that I would not have done with my previous partner etc. Through all these little distractions, I found spaces where I would face myself adjusting to this new unplanned reality. Sometimes these spaces were painful and I yearned for things to 'go back to normal' and I felt sad and lost. Other times the spaces between the distractions were exciting and full of possibility and my heart was open. It was almost a push-pull of emotional states and the distractions were my healing time. I got there in the end and learned a lot about myself and what I wanted in my life going forward.

Everyone will go through the process of grief and loss differently and will take different lengths of time. One suggestion I have is to get some support for just you. It can be really challenging and hard to witness a loved one wrestle through their past or find resolution to their feelings. Finding your own support pillars will be important. You have already reached out on the forum, but if you don't feel this is enough, are there other supports available for you? Finding your own place of comfort and safety can help you to have more capacity and endurance when supporting your partner though this difficult period.

A practice I can recommend towards reducing your stress is Mindfulness. You can learn about Mindfulness by going to this page and watching this short video.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/in-focus/the-effect-of-mindfulness-on-your-brain

There is a Mindfulness App called Smiling Mind where you can learn the practice and focus on strengthening you mind and teaching it how to relax. Engaging in self care activities like Mindfulness or other actives like exercise and healthy eating can also help when you are going through a difficult time.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[LoveSeeker]

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate your help.

Unfortunately, things have turned very sad. My partner had his therapy session this week and he spoke to the therapist about the difficulties of managing the breakdown of his marriage (which he hasn't faced) and the new relationship with me. He has come to the conclusion that he will need space and time to work through his past. He was very upset when we talked about it, and so was I. But I understand that this is important and probably the right decision. He has too many obligations with me in the picture, no matter how much he cares. Most of all, the unresolved past seems to keep him from moving forward with me. He said, I am absolutely wonderful and he loves every second with me but there is something stopping him from fully committing. He is trying to understand whether that is because of his unresolved past or something between us, however, at the same time says that he is incredibly happy whenever he is with me. So, and please tell me if I am wrong, I believe the issue really is that he needs to make peace with his past first. I am hopeful but he said he cannot make any promises because he does not know how his working through everything will affect everything else. He said he has very strong feelings for me but I feel he does not trust himself and his feelings as long as he is so lost.

So we will go separate ways for a while. He would still like to be in touch and so would I but I told him, I cannot be only friends with him. Or I do not want to. And most of all, I still believe that once he is freed from his past pains, we can have a beautiful future. He said that the belief in that and the prospect of us being together gives him the strength to go on but at the same time, he tells me that he cannot promise me anything and I should move forward with my life without waiting for him. What do you think that means? I asked him whether he is truly honest or whether he simply doesn't think I am right. He said, that is not it at all, because if it was me, it would be easy to walk away. But he is completely lost and he doesn't know why he cannot commit 100% although I am so important to him.

Do you think this is because he needs to deal with his heartbreak first? Or am I overlooking something important that should reduce my hope. I love him and when I said I have a lot of love for him, he said he knows and that he felt similar after 1 month of being with me. That must mean something, right? It hurts.

[Happilyneverafter]

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it sounds like he’s having regret for ending his marriage and you we just a distraction to him and now he’s having to face what’s happened. Honestly, just forget him and move on, he will never be available to you fully.

[LoveSeeker]

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. Honestly, however, I tend to disagree and that is not because my heart wants to hear something different. We are in a quite difficult situation but we have very strong feelings for each other and have a connection that I would describe as "very rare". I have no doubt he wants to be with me but I believe his past has been left so undealt with that he is now struggling to put another foot forward. That is how he described it, i.e. similar to standing in the past and not being able to 100% find ground in the new life. My questions are more around the fact of whether we will still have a chance to reconnect once he has dealt with his past or whether that may affect his feelings. But I have since spoken to my friends who know him and a bit more about how we communicate and interact with each other, and they have reminded me that if the feelings are true, they do not just fade away quickly. I will see this through, living my life and with no promises. But I tend to believe that we have something special that will still be there on the other end. I appreciate the advice to walk away but I find that a little too one-sided. And I do not mean that as negative criticism, you cannot know how we are with each other every day and you may have made bad experiences yourself in the past. And maybe I will think back of you one day and think "I wish I would have followed the advice I got". But the truth is, I need to listen to my gut like I normally do. And my gut tells me that our journey is not over but that this part is important to get through for both of us. Thank you again, in a way, your feedback has allowed me to more clearly determine what I want to do and believe in for now. So it has been very valuable and I am grateful to you. I wish you all the best in life. 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello LoveSeeker

I am pleased your relationship has reached a definite decision.

I have found there is a great difference between doing what your head wants and going with your gut feeling. My biggest problem has been when I have two emotional responses and not sure which is the best. This happened when I was receiving therapy from a psychologist. Something told me to stop going, something was wrong. At the same time I had become dependent on him for staying well. I suppose you can guess which one was the correct decision and which one I went with. It turned out he was not a psychologist, so stopping the therapy was what I should have done. He also has a personality disorder which involved keeping me dependent. He went to court on fraud charges and was convicted.

It was horrible and still is at times. Of course I am beating myself up because I should have listened to the other voice. So yes, I do know about emotional quandaries and I do agree gut feelings are often right, especially if they have taken you in the right direction previously.

Trying to resolve the past and stay happy in the present is difficult. I left my partner of 30 years and have lived alone ever since. Surprisingly this was the catalyst for my depression. I think I had pushed down all my feelings for so long, put up with his abuse etc and then found the courage to leave. Suddenly I could be me and I did not know who I was. It's been a long journey and best done on my own, as in without a partner, though I have a wonderful GP and went to a psychiatrist for a long time. I also had friends and my children who supported me. I am facing the future in a much better frame of mind and definitely more able to manage my life.

My partner had a traumatic life but would not acknowledge it. Instead he decided he was boss and would not not allow anyone to tell him anything. It doesn't sound much I know but it was horrible. Had there been more help available maybe he would have resolved his problems but this did not happen and no matter how much I cared and wanted to help him it was never going to end well. So I left.

This is a different scenario to yours but with some similar parts. Letting your man go while he works out his life and becomes reconciled to his past can be the best option. I think you are right not to be friends as this will not resolve the dilemma for you. Let him get well and then see what happens.

Please continue posting here. I was away for a week so unable to respond earlier.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Happilyneverafter

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post to LoveSeeker. We all have our stories and I am sorry yours has been so painful. Would you like to write about it here? If so perhaps you can start a thread of your own. Posting about your story in someone else's thread can be confusing and many people who would reply do not see your posts.

If you have already started a thread please let me know where and I will reply.

Mary