Confused - to stay or go?

[golden82]

Hi; I would appreciate some responses to help me clear my confusion and make a decision re a psychologist.

I have experienced childhood abuse/trauma and this has continued and worsened in some ways in adulthood. It was my family and I knew no different and so just thought that was my life. BUT the last 7-10 years I have had severe anorexia and anxiety, depression, insomnia. It is no life and very little functioning - especially when I look back 10 years ago to my high functioning, 'happy' self. I have only recently self-learned and connected that all these illnesses I have are due to the abuse/trauma of my 37 years..and I need some serious trauma therapy.

I have been seeing a psychologist for 4 years - approx 1-2 monthly. I have not seen her since December last year - due to hospital stays and then COVID. I am due to see her this week...BUT....my question to everyone is to please help me either stay with her or go to another??

I have been going for the 4 years and my mental health has seriously declined in this time. But then I think well that is my fault - I am not trying hard enough? But then I also have this niggling feeling that she is not trying enough to help me (maybe lazy??) So my brain is messed up flip flopping between the 2 and in limbo of what to do - and so much self doubt of what to do.

I don't feel I get much out of the sessions. Every time she makes herself a cup of tea and sits sipping and scribbling notes on the iPad with occasionally looking up and often yawns (tries to hide it). She forgets some major things - including my anxiety/agitation at her pen scratching note taking - and asking her to be present and engaging. It is mainly me rambling about how my time has been since I saw her last..so just a chat session. We do not do any strategies or techniques etc. I have asked about EMDR and things but we just have 'talk therapy'.

She is kind and 'comfortable' as in I don't have to up and start again with someone new. She 'knows' me so I don't have to talk it all through again. But then maybe someone new will do the work with me or something to help unpack all this hurt and consequences it has on me in midlife. Does that sort of therapist even exist? Then it would be worth it - to have some outcomes and getting 'better'. What is the normal for psychology 50min sessions are all just a chat? Or do others do steps and make progress?

12mo ago I got 50/50 for the K10 and she never followed up - making me think all admin and not therapy? Thanks

[golden82]

Hi quince 🙂

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with psychologist/ health professionals. Sorry that you have had to go through so many to find one. Is the one you have now any good? I hope so. I think it is great though that you have been proactive about it. Unlike me. It is my own fault that 4 yrs i should have been awake to myself and moved on yrs ago. I knew it in my gut. But as you would know eating disorder adds a whole extra layer of no energy and so i just coast along asleep in my own life conserving energy. Because not consuming any energy in the first place. I am starting baby steps to fix this myself. The hospitals and eating clinics have been of no help made me worse. And i have no family support, so i am doing it myself. But have to in order to have a brain functioning somewhat and energy to get out of bed. I have another psychologist but not yet made a time to see her. She does EMDR and hypnosis i think. But have not yet met her and she is a fair way from me.. however i have to be as proactive as you and just go. I know that as tiring .. exhausting as it will be physically due to yrs of ed and suffering the consequences for last several yrs; and tiring mentally .. draining. But in order to get 'better' this is what i have to do. I was told that you get a bit worse at first as you unpack a lifetime of trauma and abuse etc but then better and better. I hang on to this and hope it is true. Thanks for checking in and i read you are doing well with caring for yourself.. awesome quince, you can and will do this 🙂