supporting from a distance

HollyBlue · ‎03-01-2021

Hi everyone, I'm new here but am hoping some of you might have some advice for me. My (now ex) boyfriend started showing extreme signs of depression back in October (isolating himself, telling me he could barely get out of bed, etc.), and then in November, when I suspect his seasonal symptoms set in, he cut me off completely for weeks at a time, wouldn't answer my messages (though he would tell me afterwards that he read every one of them). I tried to be supportive when he did reach out, tried to be understanding when he cancelled on me. I myself suffer from depression, though for the most part I have it under control with help from my counselor. I can see so much of what I went through at my lowest in the way he's treating himself now ... very down on himself, won't accept any compliments from me, doesn't smile or laugh much. near the end of November he had an episode where he disassociated from his emotions completely, and he told me I should "leave him alone forever" when I pushed a little to have him seek professional help.

It has been 3 weeks since he cut things off completely, telling me he has too much work to do on himself and doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He thanked me ... I still don't know why ... and he sounded on the edge of tears (I've never seen him cry). I tried reaching out the next day to try and work things out, but he just told me he doesn't want a relationship right now, that I should move on and stop wasting my time with him. I've sent him a supportive message ("You can beat this, and I still care for you") and a link to a blog on depression that I thought could help, but he hasn't answered either of my messages. I deeply love this man, and we clicked on pretty much everything before this.

I guess I'm asking, what can I do to support him and show him I'm still here for him. I feel like the breakup had little to do with our relationship and came entirely from his struggle with his mental health recently. He doesn't have any friends or family that he's close to that I could contact .... I'm at a loss for what I could do. I haven't forced a face-to-face meetup since I'm worried it would just push him further away. Help! >,<

HollyBlue · ‎13-01-2021

Hello Croix,

I admit that wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I know there's truth in it. I have not sent the letter, though I did find some comfort in writing it. I'm fighting to urge to try and call him to find out for sure if he has blocked me, since I have yet to hear back on any of my messages, but it's tough. I don't know what I'd say if he answered. I'm finding less and less comfort from talking to my support group, and I wonder how long I'll be able to hold on in this silence before I have to let go for my own sake. I actually wonder if a negative response might be better than this deafening lack of any acknowledgement. Struggling today.

~HollyBlue

815 · ‎13-01-2021

Hi HollyBlue,

I feel your struggle. I have to agree with Croix in that, it is hard to guess how long someone needs to be ready to hear the things you want to say to them.

I have written my husband many letters and emails. Only one has been sent. And I did not receive a positive response at all. And looking back, and reading Croix's post, I realise that the email I sent probably put a lot of pressure on him. Of course, that was not the intention. But in his state of mind, it was just too much for him.

I understand that sometimes our support group say things or advise us of things we do not want to hear. I have found that my support group has reduced over time, because it is really difficult for them to understand the day to day of what we are going through. And the situation can become isolating and lonely for us as 'carers' too.

I wish I could offer more support and better words of advice. All I can say is, remain hopeful, but don't expect anything. You can reach out, but I guess be prepared for a negative, or silent response. If he is ready, he will respond in whatever way he can. You also need to take care of yourself and your own well being. I think this is super important no matter which path you take. Stay strong and take care.

Croix · ‎13-01-2021

Dear HollyBlue~

I think you understand what I was getting at with pressure and also a mind being so full that there is no room for more.

The desire to have things straighten out to the extent you know what will happen is very strong, however my own advice is simply to wait. This is terribly hard, and you are right in thinking you cannot remain in this state indefinitely, though almost wishing there was a negative reply to settle the matter might not be as helpful as you imagine. If you are like me you would still hope.

Is there anyone in your group or elsewhere who talks simple sense and does not proffer solutions? I guess such a person would be your best support.

Do you think having a timetable would be helpful. Have a word with your own medical support and get their input. I realise it is asking them 'how long is a piece of string' but you might get an impression anyway.

At the end of that time take whatever action your sense dictates.

Croix

HollyBlue · ‎20-01-2021

Well, I took a leap and called him today. He didn't answer, but it was enough ringing to know he hasn't blocked me. I suppose I owe you an apology Croix haha I didn't have faith that he had not blocked me. Somehow I feel better that he is still reading my messages, even if that's a small consolation prize compared to hearing from him.

Thank you so much for your kind words!
~Holly Blue

Croix · ‎21-01-2021

Dear HollyBlue~

There is absolutely no reason you owe me an apology. You have been all the way though sensible and listened and weighed up advice.

There is no manual or roadmap to follow, there is merely instinct and luck. Please do take heart from not being blocked, if he is like I was I would not have picked up the phone as I would not be able to deal with what he imagined you might say or ask.

I beleive the trick is to get him to see your calls/texts etc are not a threat, require no brainpower or being placed in an awkward position, just are going to be pleasant.

I know it hurts and you are full of doubt at the moment, lets hope things turn around soon while your self-restraint lasts.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

HollyBlue · ‎24-01-2021

Hello Again!

So, still no word from my DXBF, but today I'm more so wondering what you all think about a view that some members of my support group have shared. Since he has not reached out, some have stated that I am outright not respecting his wishes for space by continuing to reach out myself, and that I need to respect what he has told me and go no-contact until he reaches out himself. Some have even stated that they think my continuous reaching out is hurting my chances that he may return, since I'm not giving him an opportunity to miss me.

While I know that the advice they're giving me is pretty common normal break-up advice, a lot of my reading on depressed loved ones suggests reaching out occasionally and continuing to be supportive even if they're non-responsive, since isolation tends to just make things so much worse. I've been messaging him about every 5-7 days, so I don't think I'm being overwhelming, but I am starting to wonder if they're right, and that he might be losing respect for me. Now, this is playing the "what is he thinking" game, which I know doesn't really have any real answers, but I just wonder what you all think on the matter.

Thanks for your thoughts!
~HollyBlue

Croix · ‎24-01-2021

Dear HollyBlue~

Frankly if I look at myself when I was really down my wishes were not worth respecting, in fact they were confused, contradictory and full of anger, shame, and all sorts of other feelings.

Depression (provided you are correct, only a doctor can properly diagnose) is an illness and when one is ill normal social etiquette and behavior is not always appropriate.

If you are doing as I suggested and sending a light message designed to lift and not pressure with questions once a week than I do not think your actions excessive, mind you that's just my opinion.

I do know that even though I did wanted to isolate myself my wife being there in the background was a comfort. There was no way I lost respect for her, quite the opposite.

How are you bearing up?

Croix

815 · ‎28-01-2021

Hi HollyBlue,

My husband has told me many times in the past year to leave him alone, give him space, he doesn't want my help - the list of hurtful things he has said to me is endless. And I have often wondered, whether staying here with him, trying from time to time to reach out, was hurting him more than doing any good.

Most of my support network have told me to stay. But that no one would hold it against me if I were to leave. They said, as Croix has mentioned, that he probably really didn't know what he wanted or needed. And so I stay. It wasn't a choice as such, since the alternative was too heartbreaking for me to contemplate.

It has only been in the past month or so that I have come to realise that, despite the rejection or the lack of acknowledgement, that he has always known that I am here. I don't know for sure, but I do hope that like Croix, that provided him some comfort and that it will continue to do so.

I think what helped me, and probably helped my husband, is that after sometime I learned not to have any expectations on him when I tried to reach out. And that he realised that I had no expectations either. And perhaps that has taken the pressure off him to be able to relax and let me in a little again.

I know for sure I have made many mistakes along the way, things that I don't necessarily regret, but that I would do differently now had I known better. But I did the best I could with what I knew. This journey is all about learning how to manage things, and I don't think anyone should be expected to have all the answers. In the end, if you are reaching out to him with good intentions, then I can't see that there is anything wrong with that. I think you just need to be realistic about your expectations.

I hope you are doing ok and taking care of yourself.

HollyBlue · ‎28-01-2021

Hello Croix and 815,

I'm doing okay. Taking things one day at a time. I've take some action towards bettering my own mental health, because I recently noticed it was failing a bit. Getting more exercise has helped a lot (and I like to think how awesome it would be to look like a million bucks next time I see him haha.) I think, for my own sake, I might take a short break from messaging him, but I'm not going to make any solid plans either way. I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life (including a new job that I'm excited about!) and I think that it is more important to get my own stuff organized so that I'm in a better position both to help myself and help him if he reaches out. I hope that things change before I either loose all hope of reconnection or just say screw it and drive out to see him. Unlike both of you, we're not married, so I do worry that has a big impact on whether or not he will return.

For now, I'll just continue taking it slow, learn to be patient with myself, and keep walking forward.

~HollyBlue

815 · ‎01-02-2021

Hi HollyBlue,

I think you are amazing. Focus on yourself for a bit. You have let him know that you are there. In time, he may reach out. But no matter what happens, as you said you need to keep moving forward and look after yourself too.

Take care.