supporting from a distance

[HollyBlue]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but am hoping some of you might have some advice for me. My (now ex) boyfriend started showing extreme signs of depression back in October (isolating himself, telling me he could barely get out of bed, etc.), and then in November, when I suspect his seasonal symptoms set in, he cut me off completely for weeks at a time, wouldn't answer my messages (though he would tell me afterwards that he read every one of them). I tried to be supportive when he did reach out, tried to be understanding when he cancelled on me. I myself suffer from depression, though for the most part I have it under control with help from my counselor. I can see so much of what I went through at my lowest in the way he's treating himself now ... very down on himself, won't accept any compliments from me, doesn't smile or laugh much. near the end of November he had an episode where he disassociated from his emotions completely, and he told me I should "leave him alone forever" when I pushed a little to have him seek professional help.

It has been 3 weeks since he cut things off completely, telling me he has too much work to do on himself and doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He thanked me ... I still don't know why ... and he sounded on the edge of tears (I've never seen him cry). I tried reaching out the next day to try and work things out, but he just told me he doesn't want a relationship right now, that I should move on and stop wasting my time with him. I've sent him a supportive message ("You can beat this, and I still care for you") and a link to a blog on depression that I thought could help, but he hasn't answered either of my messages. I deeply love this man, and we clicked on pretty much everything before this.

I guess I'm asking, what can I do to support him and show him I'm still here for him. I feel like the breakup had little to do with our relationship and came entirely from his struggle with his mental health recently. He doesn't have any friends or family that he's close to that I could contact .... I'm at a loss for what I could do. I haven't forced a face-to-face meetup since I'm worried it would just push him further away. Help! >,<

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi HollyBlue

Welcome to the forums and good on your for reaching out for advice. This is a really challenging situation and I think you have handled it really well so far, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. While I don't have any advice for you, aside from keeping the lines of communication open with your loved one, so that he knows you're available to him - I wanted to bump your post so that others have an opportunity to offer any advice.

My kind thoughts, Katy

[Croix]

Dear HollyBlue~

I'd like to join Katy in welcoming you here. As someone who has/had depression yourself that is both good and bad.

It's bad because it makes yo more vulnerable than most in a time of great worry and stress - may I ask have you discussed this with your medical team?

Also do you have personal support yourself -family or a friend you can talk frankly with and have them just patiently listen and NOT offer pragmatical suggestions?

Good becuse yo have some idea waht your BF is going though, including most probably hte desire for isolation and hte self-hate that makes one beleive one is bad for those one cares about.

It is a great pity there is no one near him htat can persuade him to get medical help, o bviosly your efforts have failed.

I've only one suggestion, which might seem a bit off track, but instead of discussing his condition, current state, and suggesting he get help you turn your emails/texts/etc into passages about good times, remembering things you have doe together you have enjoyed, things he has enjoyed by himself too.

Make each communication a 'safe one' where before opening it he knows there will be nothing difficult to deal with. No blogs on depression or even any mention of the word.

I don't think you were doing the wrong thing, and all you have written may bear fruit, however it's a learning process. Calls for imagination on your part, in time that might draw him closer to you.

Please let me know what you think

Croix

[HollyBlue]

Hello Croix and Katy,

Thanks for your replies. I am definitely more vulnerable, and I'm feeling the mental strain of being in my position. While the people in my personal support group are amazing, they tend to all have an opinion on what I should do ... the general consensus being that I should just leave him alone and go on my way, which I obviously disagree with, and it's making it a little more difficult. I'm trying to go regularly to my counselor for impartial support, which has helped a bit but is a little expensive.

I like your idea of trying to make the messages light and easy to read, and I think that it would be a mentally easy route for me to try out for a while. I wonder if he has blocked me ... but I'm too chicken to try calling his number to find out haha. If he is reading the messages, keeping things fun and interesting to read might make it easier to respond. Thank you for the insight.

I've done a lot of research into male depression, and feel like I made a bunch of mistakes that last month we were together, but I think the good intention was there so I'm not beating myself up about it. The lack of friends I can talk to to get him support definitely sucks, since much of what I've read suggests having other males help him, since he is more likely to resist help from a female.

Thank you for your help!

[Croix]

Dear HollyBlue~

Everybody has an opinion, and really speaking unless they have been there are not really qualified to say anything. Listening with sympathy and not being judgmental is the most effective thing they can do, and the best for you.

I doubt he has blocked you, after all he said later he had read all your messages even though he did not reply. They must have been some comfort to him to do that and I would guess he will do the same again.

While I make that suggestion about messages he can open knowing they will not be a stressor it may take quite some time before responds, if in fact he does. The aim is more to associate you with good times and not being a threat reminding him of his state.

You are partially right about male freinds, but not 100%. My wife was my best personal support.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello HollyBlue, and a warm welcome to the site.

Are you on the mental health plan, this entices you to 10 Medicare paid sessions to visit a psych and believe this can be increased, your doctor will inform you.

Any or all of your friends are going to offer suggestions or what they believe you should be doing but remember their situation and the circumstances they're in are different from what you're trying to cope with and the person they are dealing with or have dealt with maybe completely different to your boyfriend.

What I found that helped me, was for someone, friend, family or partner /spouse was for them to just sit next to me, hoping that I would begin to talk to them, and if not their patience was invaluable.

Just because he says he doesn't want a relationship should not be taken as such, because there are times when he may ring you at desperate times.

At the moment if you leave him, then how are you going to feel, probably worse than now, and if you can remember occasions before where one of you has been upset, it does take time and understanding to get back onto an even keel.

How he feels now makes it impossible for him to say he loves you, so don't worry, his condition doesn't enable him to say it, just yet.

Take care.

Geoff.

[815]

Hi HollyBlue,

Welcome. I really feel for you. While I might not be able to offer any solid advice, I just want you to know that I think you are amazing for wanting to stand by your now ex boyfriend through this difficult time. I know how difficult your circumstances can be.

Again, Croix and geoff have provided some great advice, and some amazing insights for all of us here on the forums. So I just wanted to thank you both again.

And HollyBlue, I hope you can find some support here to give you strength and hope to keep supporting your man. Take care.

[HollyBlue]

Hi Croix,

I'm trying to take what my support group says with a grain of salt, knowing that everything they say comes from a good place. It's true that it could take a long time for me to hear from him again, if I ever do, and I'm trying to be at peace with that ... though I miss him terribly.

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for the advice on the mental health plan, I'll look into the program! I appreciate your insight, and agree that much of what he has said recently is not so much coming from him than it is the mental illness. For now I will be that person for him, supportive and unconditionally loving, here when he needs me.

Hi 815,

Thank you for your kind words. Half the battle is with myself, wondering if I'm violating his boundaries by staying close and not accepting the breakup he says he wants, and it is really soothing to know that others can see my efforts in a positive light. Even if he isn't replying, I hope my messages bring a little light into his life.

[HollyBlue]

Hi everyone,

So it is now almost a month since the breakup, and I'm feeling a bit strained. He hasn't responded to any of my messages in almost 3 weeks, and I'm wondering if writing a letter (probably re-writing several times until I am sure about what I want to say and how I want to say it) and sending it to him would be too much. There are so many things I want to say to him, and maybe if he knew how I feel he might feel safer reaching out. Have any of you tried this and had any results, positive or negative?

HollyBlue

[Croix]

Dear HollyBlue~

It is always hard to guess timescale, and to know if one is intruding or providing something that is needed.

I can only go from my own experience, whch was pretty heavy with PTSD, depression and anxiety. The mine dfills right up ful with htese, as I said before, and having to try to deal wiht htem is simply to much -so isolation seems the way to go.

Being told by another that they love you, or care, or ... is a double edged sword and frankly at the time when my wife said these it put me under extra pressure, adding to my guilt in failing people and my responsibilities. It did not help!

Later on when I was better rethinking about her constancy and love helped a lot, at hte time her unspoken constancy did help too.

That is why I suggested you only talk of hte light and fun things. So there is no feeling before opemig the letter it is going to put on more pressure.

Does the make sense?

Trying to talk in a rational manner to someone in deep depression or high anxiety does not make a connection.

I'm no doctor and can only relate how I felt, though reading thogh the threads here I don't think I'm anything like the only one.

Geoff talks sense, for you having someone just to listen and care is what you need, not someone full of ideas). Leaning on another does help

Croix