Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

815 · ‎17-08-2020

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

815 · ‎09-09-2020

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your support and replies Happy Chemicals and Juliana 15. I appreciate it all so much.

I can't say that things have improved on my end. However, I am still here and just trying to get through a day (sometimes an hour) at a time.

My husband went to speak to the GP again yesterday, as after 3 weeks on medication he is still experiencing side effects and not feeling any better. So he is starting on something different today. I guess it will take another few weeks to see whether this is more effective for him. He has his second session with the counsellor on Friday so I guess I will check in with him on how that goes.

The advice from my GP was basically everything I know - She told me to stop asking him questions (because she believes that it is difficult for him to answer) and to also continue trying to find ways to show him I love him, as well as not giving up. I guess it is the most human advice that anyone can give me, as I think there really is no professional advice that will really make any difference as each situation is unique.

I did try to talk to him last night, to tell him that I don't want to argue. And that I know how he feels about my actions, or lack of action. But I know it is too late for me to change that. But I also think that it's not too late for us to find a way through this, together. I told him that I know it's just the beginning, and that it won't be easy. But I will support and love him through this.

I did ask him to look me in the eyes. He did, instinctively I guess, for a brief moment. In that moment I managed to tell him I love him, before he looked away. I guess in that moment maybe he actually saw me again, and it was too much for him to deal with right now? I can only guess, because I tried to get him to look at me again, and he sat for a long time and I could see in his eyes how much he was battling with what to do. In the end, he couldn't do it, and I told him I love him one more time, gave him a kiss on the forehead and left (he said I was annoying him).

He said he won't look at me because he just doesn't care (he didn't explicitly say he doesn't care about me so I will try not to take that personally).

I really don't know if any of this is making a difference. I can only hope that he hears me, even if he doesn't respond. Or that when the fog lifts, he will remembers these moments and we can find each other again...

815 · ‎11-09-2020

Not a good day today...

My husband told me last week he had an appointment with counsellor today. So this morning I asked him about it. I asked if he had an appointment today. He said no. I asked when it was. He said he doesn't know, then asked me, "Why do you care?" Which I find ironic considering he keeps telling me that I don't care.

So now, he is just straight out ignoring me, and I feel he is pulling even further away from me. I don't even know if/when he has another appointment with the counsellor. I guess I just have to find a way to keep hoping, keep trying and trust that he will continue to seek help even if he doesn't want to tell me about it.

815 · ‎17-09-2020

Hi...

Just after some thoughts today.

I am really struggling with my husband totally ignoring me, yet being his normal self to everyone else...

Is this normal for depression? I feel since I started this thread that he is pulling even further way from me, and purposely doing things to provoke me or to hurt me. I have done a lot of reading. And I understand that sometimes depression forces people to push those they care about or love the most away, because they feel they don't deserve to be loved, cared for or helped. Is this true? Or am I just being foolish thinking that this is the depression and not really him?

He started on new medication a couple of days ago. I know it will take some time to work. He won't tell me when his sessions with the counsellor are. But from what I can gather, he has had one (maybe two sessions at most) so far, and he is booked in for another session next week. I think he also has a follow up appointment with the GP in two weeks, I am guessing this is so that he can discuss the effects of the new medication.

I know that I need to give him space and time to get the proper treatment. But I also want to make time for us to move forward together in our marriage because I feel that the longer I leave him alone, the harder it will be for us to find a way back together. Is it ever too early to ask him to think about us and a way forward for us? I don't want to push it either and end up in a worse situation...

Anyways, just thought I'd put my thoughts down and if anyone had anything thoughts or experiences to share, I'd be grateful.

Thanks.

emotionallydrained · ‎17-09-2020

Hi 815,

It sounds very traumatic for you and I feel for you not knowing what he is thinking or feeling.

The concern for me as an outsider reading what you're saying is that he is only being distant and exclusive to you but no one else. From my experience, most people lock everyone away and don't really distinguish between some and not others. It could be that he knows if he talks to you that you will ask him how he is (even if you don't) so he could be fearful of opening up and avoiding to simply avoid that question. But is there anything you can think of that may have triggered him to be distant to you? Even a small thing that you thought insignificant?

I know you are not to blame, and please don't read this as your fault. I'm just feeling that there could be something else underlying that is upsetting him. Or as I said, it could just be that he fears answering "the" question.

Does he speak with you at all? About anything? What's for dinner or any usual run of the mill general conversations? Or is it just silence?

I hope things can get better for you and that the medication will start to work and you can get some answers. x

815 · ‎17-09-2020

Hi emotionallydrained
Thank you for your reply.
I guess that is the thing that worries me the most, why is it just me? When I say he is normal to everyone else it is mostly from the phone conversations I hear him having with work colleagues since we both work from home at the moment. And he won't take things out on the kids because they just wouldn't understand. We are in Melbourne so have been in Stage 4 restrictions for many weeks so we don't really interact with others much. It will be interesting to see what happens as restrictions lift.
I have tried to go over and over things in my head. And he has told me that I'm part of his depression because he thinks I haven't helped him and that I don't care. But he told me from the beginning he didn't want my help and to stay away. So we go around in circles because he doesn't really give me any straight answers. I can get into a real rut by trying to guess what it could be, so I have to try to let it go and move forward, unless he decides to open up to me and we can work through his issues.
I had a long chat with his friend tonight. His friend told me he can't betray my husband's trust, but not to give up. He's just really lost right now. But there is no doubt that my husband loves me and the kids.
And I do trust his friend. My husband went to him for help on his own free will. He chose one person to confide in, so I have to trust him.
He doesn't speak to me at all. If I do ask him a question, he will answer depending what the question is, but it is usually an angry reply. He will send me text msgs very occasionally or reply to mine, depending on what the msg is. No real general conversation. He sees this as me ignoring his issues.
Yes, it is a very difficult, painful and confusing situation for me right now.
Thank you for your well wishes. I know I need to be patient and give the medication and counselling sessions some time to start working. Some days are just harder than others.
ving in your own situation too.

815 · ‎17-09-2020

Hi again emotionallydrained
Somehow my post got sent too soon.
I was typing that I do hope things are also improving in your own situation. I know how difficult things can get so I appreciate you took the time to reply. Please take care.

emotionallydrained · ‎19-09-2020

Hi 815

That is so incredibly difficult. I think the positive is he is speaking to his friend which is great. As to the reason for all this, there just doesn't seem to be one which is in some respect harder because you don't know what to fix. I think as you said, time will be the healer here and just waiting for his medications and counselling to take effect.

In the meantime, you just try and focus on keeping your own mental health in check so you are ready when he is ready to talk. I know that if you're mentally and emotionally drained, then it's harder to listen to them and understand what they're saying because your own brain is too depleted.

Stay strong and I hope it improves quickly for you. I also hope those lock downs ease soon. It's getting beyond a joke that one now and too many people are being mentally and emotionally affected by it all.

Stay strong and you take care as well. It's good to be able to come here and vent, listen to other stories and realise we're not the only ones struggling and we have support - even if it's from a distance.

815 · ‎21-09-2020

Hi quirkywords,

It is a really difficult time right now.

However all I can do right now is remain hopeful, and trust that things will work out.

Thanks again for your reply.

Take care. Stay strong.

815 · ‎21-09-2020

Sorry emotionallydrained, I got confused with replying in another thread. That reply was for you and not quirkywords. I hope you're doing OK.

KG82 · ‎24-09-2020

Hi 815, I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t getting any better for you. You have a heart of gold sticking around when he is pushing you away. It’s really hard when you’re doing the best that you can to be told that you’re making things worse or not doing enough. It’s quite understandable to be disappointed, frustrated and hurt. I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to want him to get better. It’s not about how things seem to the outside world, but about seeing the person that you love feel good again. I wish I could provide you with more answers and perhaps that elusive magic wand that would make everything better.