Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[quirkywords]

815 I hope your Christmas Day was ok. I know you have a busy week ahead.

I hope taking one step at a time will help you this week.

[Zozza]

Hi 815, I just want to say that this time of year is also really hard for me and I am struggling a lot. It involves a lot of playing happy families around other people, and it's so hard to know how to pretend to be normal when everything is not normal. Christmas is also a reminder that there used to be so much joy and love in our lives. So there is grief too, about what has been lost. It's so hard.

We also have our wedding anniversary in January.

It makes it so hard if you can't communicate with him about your expectations and he isn't be clear with you about what he needs.

I think you just have to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to not necessarily hold it all together at this time. You are strong, but you are not a superwoman. Get support around you. Allow yourself to rely on others if you need.

Also, take some time out for yourself over the next few weeks if you can. That's the only way that I am surviving this at the moment.

Take care.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

I had been thinking about you too during this time and how you were going. You are right, I think what I feel the most is the loss of love and joy during this time, especially for the children. I hope you are getting through the days OK.

We had Christmas Eve at my Mum's house. I sat next to him for most of the night, even though we didn't speak. It was the best I could do. We made it through Christmas Day, and although he didn't initiate conversation with me, he didn't avoid me and if I did speak to him he was polite enough. We even managed to take a family photo in front of the Christmas tree, which I have been using as a reminder that, despite what else is going on, we are still a family...

It has been an intense few days but we have made it through. Today he is out of the house playing golf while the children are at my Mum's house. So I've had the house to myself. I spent the morning sleeping as I feel exhausted. I've done a few chores and now just sitting here in front of my computer typing this. In some ways, it is easier when he is not here...and I know he will be home soon but there is a part of me that hopes he will be out just that little bit longer as I need some time to myself too.

Wednesday is his birthday...and I think this is the event that I'm most anxious about. I don't know whether to even ask if he would like to have his sister and family over for dinner. Or just not even acknowledge the day as I don't want to upset him? I know he won't be 'happy' on his birthday, but it is still his birthday...

[Blue Banded Bee]

Hi 815,

I admire your strength in handling the situation, you are a very strong woman. It is very hard to deal with people with depression, it is hard work, I occasionally question myself how on earth did I end up like this! My inner voice told me everything happens for a reason. I must say I learnt a lot from reading you threads and some form of therapy for me.

My partner has depression too, I did not know my family was crumbling until Covid19, when I had to work from home. He was very broken, stress and angry and depress. I managed to talk him to see a psychologist, I have not seen much improvement yet but at least there is more ups then downs. All I can describe his situation is like, he is lost or stuck in a well or dark hole, I am holding the rope trying to pull him out, but his vision is so cloudy and blur that he can't see. Last night, I finally asked him if he was suicidal, he looked at me weirdly and said no. (which is a relief)

I believe his mental health caused by childhood trauma, I asked his family members none of them were able to tell me anything apart from he had perfect childhood, he was just being difficult. He got involved with wrong group of friends during his adolescence years , got into a lot of trouble such as AOD. To me, I see this as crying for parents' attention.

I know my partner's recovery journey may be long, I have to look after myself too. I read and researched a lot about mental health just to have better knowledge and how to handle the situation at home and I am seeing a psychologist to work on strategies. We are working communication on our next session.

Please look after yourself and Have a better New Year.

[815]

Hi Blue Banded Bee (and everyone else),

I am glad you posted here to share your experience and glad that you have found this thread helpful.

I hope everyone has managed to find some joy in the past week and looking forward to a happier new year.

I am still here. We made it through the busy week, although I am now exhausted and feeling drained. Some days I think I have come to terms with the fact that this will be the way our life is, for a long time. Then there are moments where I just can't see any light, and I don't know how we will make it through. But at the end of each day that we are still here together, I am grateful.

I worry for my children a lot though. This is taking a huge toll on them. They will be at my Mum's house during the days while I work so hopefully that will provide them some joy and some time out from this environment.

My husband has started on new medication, this will be the third one he is trying. I only know because he has left it out on the bench for me to see.

We have another relationship counselling session but that is not until next Friday. I will be seeing my psychologist on the same day but in the morning. Although to be honest right now, I am just tired of talking.

I am just doing my best to take care of the kids, and take care of my husband in ways that he will let me (cook, clean, pay bills) and I just hope that one day, he will remember all of this, and that although I wasn't able to fix him, that I was always here.

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815.

that last point...

you’re spot on, you cant fix him, as much as you want to. That is for him to focus on. You can aide by providing the help and support. I do hope that you husband does remember.

I wish you both strength and encouragement for the new year.

Not_Batman

[815]

Hi Not_Batman,

Once again, thank you for your encouragement and support.

I honestly don't know what 'help and support' to provide my husband anymore. All I can do is look after our children as best I can, and keep our household going by cooking, cleaning, working to pay bills, etc.

I am doing my best to find opportunities to reach out to him, but he spends a lot of time in the spare bedroom and I know he needs his space to I leave him be a lot.

It was his birthday last week. I ended up asking if he wanted to invite his sister over for dinner. He initially refused. But then the next day sent her a msg to ask if she wanted to come. I got him a gift which my daughters gave him. He told them he liked it, at least he didn't get upset about it. While his sister was here for dinner he was sitting at the dining table by himself. I took the opportunity to ask if he was OK. He said yes. So I left him at that. I just hope those little things, will be gentle reminders to him that I am still here.

[815]

Hi everyone,

Just posting here because I don't know what else to do.

I am back at work (from home) and the kids have been going to my Mum's house during the day so I can work without distraction, and so they can have a bit of joy and time away from the issues at home.

I feel so sad for my husband. He is on leave from work until the end of this week and has been spending his days in the spare bedroom with the door closed. Yesterday I found the courage to knock on the door. He growled at me and said 'what?' I know he could have just ignored me. I opened the door and said that I just wanted to check that he was alright. He said, 'I'm fine.' I walked in and told him I brought him his water bottle. I left it on the table and left.

I am finding it so difficult to know what is best for him. I know he probably needs space. So I want to give him that. But I also know that him being alone so much is not great either. I don't want to push him. But I don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring him. And I am exhausted everyday from all of this.

But I know I must go on and just take each day as it comes.

[815]

Today is our wedding anniversary.
A couple of days ago he sent me a text message to say he had made a booking for lunch today. It is just for the two of us.
Neither of us have spoken to each other.
I know I should accept this for what it is. A kind and loving gesture.
I really have no idea what to expect.
I'm so confused and anxious.

[Croix]

Dear 815~

When I was really ill I would know in a small part of my mind I was being unfair and unkind to my wife, though that did not stop me as depression was all.

If I were you I would take it as a gesture that he knows he is not doing you right. I sometimes made my wife a cuppa out of the blue for the same reason

You may not be able to talk much together during the date, but I strongly suggest you keep it light and reminisce on things you have enjoyed together -not ask about intentions or the future - or go there if asked except to say you are a constant in his life.

I beleive, looking at how I was, you do not want him to feel pressured, just glad to see you and associate you with happier times.

Please let us know how it went

Croix