Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[quirkywords]

KG82

It is so sad so there will be tears.

You are doing well so please do't put pressure on yourself and chastise yourself.

What other strategies do you find help besides mowing to help yourself calm your emotions?

Does writing , listening to music, art, gardening or doing practical things help?

Sometimes communicating with our loved ones takes enermous efforts and we may feel we have let them down so we find it easier not to talk to them incase we say the wrong thing.

I know having no communication or having hurtful words is upsetting.

Sometimes there are no easy fixes and things take time. I am glad there is this space for people to talk to here.

[815]

Hi KG82,

My own husband is a keen gardener and has a lot of pride in his lawn, so it made me smile a little when you said mowing your lawn helps calm you.

I am glad to hear that you have a good support network. I do understand how your worry about over burdening them, I worry about that too sometimes. That's why I find posting here sometimes helps.

It is hard when people tell you leave or say things that you don't want to hear. I know for myself I want people to tell me that holding on is the right thing to do. But in the end only you will know what the right thing to do is, whether to leave or stay. But from the sounds of it you love your partner very much, so just stay strong and keep doing what you're doing.

[Sweesoft]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Life gets a little hard for most of us, but at the end of the day, we all just have to keep moving forward. I just think that standing by him is the highest form of love there is. We have to sacrifice our own happiness for the people we choose. And choosing a husband and standing by him no matter what is a sign of how wonderful and wife and person you are. Stay strong.

[815]

Hi quirkywords,

The hurt from seeing someone you love change because of depression, is heartbreaking and almost indescribable. So I can only imagine that the hurt my husband is going through is much worse.

I have questioned myself a lot since this whole thing started. It is hard to find belief in myself. However for my family, I know I need to.

One of my friends said something to me yesterday which gave me some perspective. I said to her, what if this is not the depression? What if this is really who he is now? What if it really him hurting me? She said, Was he like this before the depression?

Because the depression affects us both, I sometimes lose my own sense of reality and get confused and can't separate him from his depression. Sometimes it just takes a few words to snap us back into reality and realise that it really is not them.

Quirkywords, I'm sorry to hear how your life has been impacted by the fires, but glad to hear that you have been able to hold onto hope to get you through. As you said, things were not how you planned, but you got through. And I have no idea what life will be like for us on the other side, but I have to keep hoping and believing that it will be better.

I'm sure there are many more bumps in the road. But the road doesn't end here. I originally started this thread to find hope for myself in my own situation. However if we can provide hope for other people reading through our words, then I will continue to update and write here as much as I can.

[815]

Hi emotionallydrained,

Thank you for your support as always. How are things going for you?

I honestly think it will be a while before either of us are ready to talk about our future. I am pretty exhausted and worn down myself at the moment. So as much as I want to talk to him and not let things go on like this for longer, as you said before, I need to take some time for myself too so that I'm not too depleted when he is ready. But as I said, I think that is still quite some time away for us...I just need to be able to hold on until then.

Take care.

[815]

Hi Sweesoft,

Thanks so much for your reply and support.

You are very right, we just have to keep moving forward. For each day that I make it through, and I am still here with my kids and my husband is still here too, I am grateful.

I hope one day my husband will again be able to see how much I truly love him. But even if he doesn't, I have to do this for myself, so that I know when I look back on this time that I did everything I possibly could. Standing by him through this might be difficult and painful. But the though of not standing by him and seeing him through to the other side is even more painful. So this is just what I have to do.

Thanks again and take care.

[KG82]

Things are still hard (I suppose I shouldn’t have expected them to get much better over a matter of days). My partner has now told me that she doesn’t know what she wants or needs, and that she’s angry at how her test played out. I’ve asked if we can talk about things once she’s calmed down, because I really don’t see how things can get any better without clear communication. I keep telling myself that it’s not her, but the mental illness that is apportioning me all the blame... or that’s what it feels like anyway.

I did catch up with a couple of friends over the weekend, so that was a nice distraction, along with reading a book.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

Thank you for asking how I am during your struggle. I'm doing ok. I haven't posted on my thread for a while because I'm in limbo. I have no idea what to do. It's been over month since our last fight that got physical and he's been normal. Not angry or overly stressed so things have been ok.

The part I'm struggling with now is I'm usually so relieved when things are good and back to our version of normal. As normal as things can be living with anxiety. But I'm not relieved and not happy. I think the last fight and the actions of the past few years have finally broken me and I for some reason can't let myself be happy anymore. Maybe I'm thinking to myself if I'm happy and carry on like nothing has happened then I'll forget or I'll let it happen again? Or maybe it's me with the problem now? I am being unreasonable and should be happy things are calm.

It's just the little things that I can't cope with now like constantly being told to wash my hands when I touch a door, or key or anything that could have been touched when we went out last. I don't need to be reminded or told to wash my hands when in my own home like a child. I know he does it because of his issues and it makes him comfortable, but 10 years of this. I know how to be germ safe. There are so many little things like this that have just worn me down mentally and emotionally.

He doesn't seek help anymore because he thinks he's in a better place. He can work, go to shops and carry on with life and honestly unless he tells them no one knows he has an issue. But he still has to have a certain amount of control over me and my child to keep the apple cart safe and steady. In his mind it's about us respecting his issues and he's not asking that much. In my mind, I've had enough and I'm just too tired.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone reading,

the love and patience and understanding expressed here by the people posting is so touching.

I think I mentioned before that makeing decisions when depressed is so diffciult. I can see now how the partner who is coping with a depressed partner has much to cope and how drained exhausted and overwhelmed they feel.

I feel that mental illness is not necessarily to blame but is an explanation of why someone maybe see life differently and unable to be rational and do things that will upset the other person.

You can only control the things you can so if you think of one thing you can do that will make your life a little easier.

Thanks again for supporting each other.

[Gypsy70]

Hi 815, I stumbled across your initial post and all of the subsequent messages and can I just say how helpful I found it because it was a simple reminder that I'm not alone. Some of what you have written I could have written word for word in regards to my own personal situation, my marriage and my husband's health. Some of the things you have stated that your husband has said is so so similar to my situation. It feels enormous and overwhelming and I am constantly thinking about what I can do or say to make things better. My husband is going through a really bad episode at the moment and by his own admission is really only in the marriage because of our son. I know without question that this is the 'depression' talking but the problem is the episodes are more frequent and lasting longer. I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm exhausted and I hate this disease so much. I think it would be easier if he just left but I know in my heart that this is not what I want and I know in a way it isn't what he wants either. I am constantly walking on eggshells and holding my breath but all I can do is hope.