Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[quirkywords]

815

I am so sorry to to hear things are not improving.

I think sometimes when depressed people expect so much more from their loved ones and if they dont measure up they may feel let down. I know it is so hard for you as you tried your hardest and are still trying.

I mentioned before are you getting support and help. Depression can make us see the world so differently so even if you had sent him a website etc he may have still preferred the help offered from another person. I know that hurts and I too have been pushed away by a loved one many years ago who rejected my support but welcomed the same support from someone else. Even though I had experience of depression and could see what he was doing it was very hard.

Sometimes whatever you offer it may not be welcomed, every one is different. I worry about the toll this is taking on you and I do hope you are getting support.

You are not alone and many people are caring for you and thinking of you.

[815]

Hi KG82,

Thank you for your reply. How are things going in your own situation?

It is hard. And I know it will be hard for a long time still. I too wish there was a magic wand, a secret answer, something that would make it all better. However, I am here to face another day. My children are here to make me smile. And although my husband and I are very disconnected right now, he is also still here.

So we just have to keep pushing through...

[815]

Thank you for your reply quirkywords.

In the end it doesn't matter who he listened to. The important thing is that he listened to someone, and is seeking help. I know I just need to be patient and believe that in time the help he is getting will lead to better days for him.

Even though it's hard to know, I think that maybe as you said, no matter what I offered him, he may have said no anyway. It would never have been enough for me to have wanted him to get help. I believe that he needed to want the help himself too.

As I mentioned I have spoken to my Mum and my own GP. I have also confided in a couple of close friends and am speaking to my husband's friend from time to time also. I do have support and will continue to lean on them as I need to.

Thanks again.

[815]

I wanted to post an update. I wish I could say that things have improved. But I feel that since he started medication and counselling he has pulled further away from me.

I sent him an email saying I know he wants to do this alone, I will give him space. I love him and when he is ready I will be here to work through this together. He replied but it was very hurtful.

He wants to do this alone because he's seen what help I can provide (or not provide). He is insists that I have done nothing. This is difficult to hear. Although I may not have done enough in his eyes, I certainly don't feel like I did nothing. I held his hands, I wiped away tears. I tried to hold him when he has physically pushed me away. From the start, he was very clear with me that he didn't want my help. I asked him to seek professional help but he said no. I went back time and time again. He said that at least his friends sent him websites...So maybe I didn't do that, but I certainly didn't 'do nothing'. I know it's too late to change that.

Right now, he says he is only at home for our children. He says that it sounds like I only want him to get better so that "we" can sweep it under the carpet and be normal. Yes, I do want him to get better. I want him to be better for himself, for the kids, for all of us. But is there something wrong with wanting him to be better for our family? I know things won't be the same, but surely I have to hold onto hope that some day things will be better than this?

I haven't replied. He asked me to leave him alone. But by not replying, does it justify in his mind again that I am 'doing nothing'? I feel there is still a lot he needs to work through before we can even begin to tackle our relationship.

And foolish as this may sound, I have to take it as a positive that he even replied and told me where his head is at.

I also went to see my Mum. She was very sad for me. She said I need to stand by my husband, no matter how hard. He may only be home for the girls, but I am grateful. So with my Mum's advice and my GP's advice to not give up, I am still here. I am staying out of his way as much as possible though.

My Mum said when restrictions ease and we can have a bit of space, hopefully things will get better. Only time will tell.

I wish it was a better news. I just felt the need to write my thoughts down.

For those reading, I hope this finds you well in your own struggles. If not, please don't lose hope. I do believe there are brighter days ahead... xo

[KG82]

Hi 815,

I wish I could say things are better, but they’re not. My partner decided to test whether I trusted her the other day, and when I called her on it, she said that she suspected that I didn’t trust her. I asked to talk about things, but was given a firm `no’. It was the most communication we’d had in days. She told me that she’d needed space over the past week, but I couldn’t just leave her alone. I feel like she expects me to read her mind and know what to do, but she hadn’t told me that she needed space, she’d just stopped talking. Although I wouldn’t have liked not being able to talk to her, at least knowing why she wasn’t talking would’ve helped ease things. I told her this and she dismissed what I had to say. I keep telling myself that it’s the illness, but it still hurts.

[815]

Hi KG82,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not so great on your end too. It is indeed a very difficult situation. I feel a bit like I am expected to be a mind reader too. However my GP told me that sometimes, they also don't have the answers so that makes it hard for everyone.

I try to tell myself that it is the depression too and not my husband - I agree, it still hurts though and it is hard to accept. Depression is their illness, but it still affects those of us who care about them.

I know it took me a while to really grasp the reality of how important it is to have some support for myself if I want to really be strong enough to weather the storm with my husband through this. Because I do believe that the storm will pass. I have no idea what the other side looks like. But I have to find some strength somewhere to be there on the other side. And I can't do that without support for myself.

Do you have any support from immediate family and friends?

[KG82]

Hi 815,

I do have a good support network, though I’m worried about over-loading them with my drama. There are some who have said that I should just leave. I’m not talking to them about this any more. I do have strategies to calm my own emotions, but it’s hard work, and that seems like all I am doing at the moment. The upside is that one of those strategies is mowing the lawn, and boy did they need it!

[quirkywords]

KG82 and 815, Steve and everyone reading.

It hurts to have depression and it hurts to watch a loved one change with depression.

I am glad you have support . It is also necessary to believe in yourself., to be strong when a loved one may say hurtful things.

I and glad people are giving each other support here and support for those reading. It is a worthwhile thing that you are sharing with others.

i believe in holding onto Hope .
I have had difficult year due to the fires and hope has helped me even if things turn out differently than I had planned.
I admire your strength and patience .

[KG82]

Thanks for your support quirkywords. I must admit there have been more tears than anything else. With every day that goes by without hearing from her, I find myself more worried. At the moment I’m spending a lot of time just regulating my emotions, so that I can do something useful, and then chastising myself for not getting it together.

[emotionallydrained]

I am so sorry to read these posts - my thoughts are with you all.

815, I'm sorry to read things haven't really improved. I think it is a positive that he replied to your email. I know with my husband, I get the silent treatment in arguments or a depressive state and it's only when I get a text or email reply that I know he's going to be open to talking. This is usually a few days though. I hope your husband is ready to talk soon.

I have a feeling he's just not ready to talk about the future or your relationship which is why he's pushing you away. It's less confronting for him.

His comments that you have done nothing are hurtful and I'm sorry he feels this way. I can assure you you haven't done nothing. Just being there you're doing more than something.

Stay strong and keep talking with your Mum. x