Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[815]

Update from our relationship session last Friday - He is still angry. He doesn't want to just forgive me that easily. He thinks we can get through this, however he knows it won't be the same. He said he wants to host Christmas at our house for his family (approx. 30 people) but doesn't want my help. When asked if we wanted to book another appointment, for the first time, I was the one to hesitate, and he went ahead and booked the next appointment which is next Friday. She gave us the option to wait until after Christmas but he said let's just do it in two weeks, so we are seeing her again next Friday. So I guess he is still willing to work on things.

Day to day life update -I walked with him to pick the kids up from school earlier in the week. I told him I would buy Christmas presents for the kids on his side, he said OK. Yesterday, we took our puppy to the vet, just he and I. We were able to ride in the car together and I asked a couple of questions about everyday stuff. I did most of the talking, though not a lot. Despite him saying he doesn't want my help to host Christmas, I will go ahead and do what needs to be done (house cleaning, food prep, etc).

Kids update - we talked a lot about the kids in our last counselling session together. I realise that I haven't been a proper parent to them in that I have been letting them get away with a lot of awful behaviour. I guess I have been over compensating for his lack of reassurance to the kids that things will be OK. We both have changed our behaviour towards them a little bit. with me being less tolerant of the bad behaviour, and him a bit more engaged with them. They seem to be doing a little better, but as kids are they still try to push. However I am trying to set more boundaries for them.

All in all, I guess some small positive steps forward despite some setbacks along the way. I just have to keep doing what needs to be done for us all to get through this. And keep holding onto hope.

[quirkywords]

815

thanks for your updates.
I feel the nature of your posts are changing as little steps are taken and there is some hope now. The fact you can do a few things and discuss your children with a relationship counsellor is a good start.

[Zozza]

Hi 815,

I just came on here mainly to see how you are going.

It's hard to understand why he's being so unfair and unreasonable. I suppose it must seem reasonable to him. It's so obvious to me that you have tried to help him and that you're being supportive. What do you think is behind this focus on you? Is he just projecting do you think? Could past trauma be making him feel the need to be intensely independent and push you away?

I think you must be such a good, patient, loving person to be able to hear him blame you for his problems and not get angry at him or decide enough is enough. I have a lot of admiration for you.

It does sound like you're making progress - baby steps - but still progress. I hope things continue to improve. It does sound like he has a lot of work to do on himself.

[815]

Hey Zozza,

I really appreciate you checking in on me, especially knowing that you are going through your own difficult situation.

I haven't mentioned this before but my husband hasn't had the best childhood and there are other issues from his past (before me). And I can guess what has triggered the depression, although he hasn't opened up to me about it. But I do know that he is dealing with a lot of stuff from the past, and he is questioning a lot of his life. And unfortunately, that includes me.

As to why it is on me personally...I can only guess at this point in time that I am one of the only people in his life who truly loved him and I have always been able to help him in the past, and as quirkywords wrote in one of her posts, he must have been in a really hopeless and helpless place, and expected me to fix or save him in a way. And I couldn't...

The truth of it is, that I am angry too. I'm hurt and I do sometimes feel that, enough is enough. But I guess like you, I feel like I need to be strong, for everyone. Including myself. And while he has a choice to continue to be angry at me, as messed up as it sounds, I feel he wouldn't be so angry, if he truly didn't care. But at the same time, I also have a choice. My psychologist also wants me to feel empowered, to feel that I have a choice in my part in this. And for me at the moment, that choice is to keep trying to find ways to communicate, to connect and stay here with him.

Although he doesn't initiate conversation, he no longer ignores me. The issue I have now is that when he does answer my questions, he speaks to me quite rudely, even in front of the kids. But one step at a time I guess.

I asked him if he would come with us for the kids to take a photo with Santa, and he said he would. On the day of the booking, I asked him again if he was coming, his response was, "You asked me to come, didn't you?" And he did come in the end.

Similarly I tried to follow up on his GP appointment. He told me he hadn't booked it yet. And I asked again if he'd let me know, and his response was, "Yes, you've already asked me that."

So I can see that in his way, even though I imagine these things are difficult for him to do, he is still doing them, for me and the kids.

We have our next relationship counselling session on Friday. I am still in two minds about asking if we should just go together. I suspect he will say. But he can't say yes if I don't ask.

[815]

I'm really anxious about today's relationship counselling session for some reason.
I can feel a lot of anger/tension around him the past few days...

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815.

understandable because its not something you can immediately fix. Sends your mind thinking what if, and the fear of the unknown increases the anxiety.

Try to Take it as it comes, and do the best you can with it. If i give you some clay and asked you to make a sculpture, i dont expect you to sculpt venus de milo.

just be calm and gentle with each other.

Not_Batman

[815]

Hi Not_Batman,

Thanks for replying so quickly. I know we will get through today's session. I'm just tired and don't really know what to do or say anymore. I feel like almost everything I offer is met with so much resistance and negativity. And I undesrstand, it's the depression.

I am trying to be gentle. And calm. I wish so much that he would try too but I guess the fact that he is still here is all he can give right now.

[815]

Hi everyone,

I am still here. Day by day. Things have gone a bit backwards. However, I guess this is expected. And I would like to think that the fallout from the events of the last few days are less negative than previous blow ups. And I know that there will be ups and downs along the way. I think that what is important for me to realise is that we have made some progress since the last blow up. And we are not in as bad a place as we have been. It's still bad, just not as bad.

And I have also come to realise (again but maybe with more conviction) that there are only certain things I can control, and that is my own behaviour. I have to give him time and space to heal, while still being here to provide whatever love, support and care I can.

I guess right now I am just after some advice, suggestions or thoughts around how to deal with this time of year.

We have Christmas Eve tomorrow which will be at my Mum's place. When I told him she was hosting he just said 'yeah' or 'ok'. I suspect he will come. However I am not even quite sure how to act around him anymore. Then we are hosting Christmas Day for his extended family which I am OK with. I imagine we'll be too busy trying to make sure everyone is OK to even worry too much about each other.

But then we have his birthday next week and I'm just not even sure how to handle that. I bought him a gift. I know he won't want to make a big deal about it but I wanted him to have something. I'm not even sure whether it will just upset him more that I've even thought to buy him something. Or if it'll upset him if I ask if he wants to do something (even just a nice dinner at home) to 'celebrate'.

Then there will be New Years Eve which again will probably be at my Mum's house (though I suspect if we can get through Christmas Eve then we can get through NYE. The week after that is our wedding anniversary! And the week after that is our youngest daughter's birthday.

I guess I am just feeling anxious about all of these events that are social and meant to be joyous, and how to interact with him...any thoughts on how these should be handled?

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815.

that is quite a jam packed few weeks.

be sure to take it one step at a time, and if you are feeling overwhelmed, take a little break.

Not_Batman

[815]

Thank you Not_Batman, it's hard not to be think too far ahead when you're anxious about how things may turn out. But you are right, I can only take it a step at a time.

And we have made it through another day...