Partner broke up with me on our 5 year anniversary. I think he is depressed.

[Jade23]

Hi everyone,

Last Friday my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 days before our 5 year anniversary as we were getting ready to go away for the weekend. We have lived together for 4 years and have been talking about getting married and buying our first house together. I am 23 and he is 25.

He got home from work as I was packing our bags and told me he wanted to break up. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that all he wants is to be alone. He said he has felt like this for a few months now but tried to fight it. When I asked what changed with us, he couldn’t give me a reason. He said it is not me, or us that was the problem, that it was him.

I haven’t noticed a change in him over the last few months, obviously with Covid we have both been a bit stressed and I have started a new job and studying at Uni, but nothing out of the ordinary from him.

I have moved out and am staying with family for now.

Once the initial shock passed, everything he was saying has made me think that he is suffering from depression. I suggested that he make an appointment this week to talk to his Dr and after a little resistance he said he would.

I am trying to give him space at the moment for him to process what is going on and understand his feelings, which is hard. This has come completely out of the blue for me, as like I said, he has spoken about proposing and wanted me to pick out a ring. We have always being very close and have never had a real fight.

I guess I just need some advice on how best to support him, so that he knows I am still here for him, while also giving him space to think and process what he is feeling and what has happened.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Jade23~

Welcome here to the Forum.

After being in a close relationship for 5 years it will have come as a trumentous shock to hear your partner wishes to separate - particularly if there have been no waning signs.

Apart from the greif and loss it leaves you in a position of wondering if the break-up is genuine , something that sadly does happen, or if in fact it is caused by some form of mental condition.

OK, if your instinct is right and he has been suffering from depression you have already done the single most important thing you can, getting him to professional help.

I found I could never make myself better on my own, it needed proper treatment, which eventually restored me to something like my former self.

Depression changes a persons thinking, and in my case left me not knowing if I loved anyone, or even if I was capable of love at all. I could not understand my own actions, it was like I was an observer.

In that condition logic and explanations, or appeals, are not likely to be of any use. My partner tried her hardest, and firstly had to overcome the feeling my behavior was at least partly her fault -something it took a doctor to explain were symptoms and not her at all.

From then on it was juggling act, walking on eggshells and not expecting me to be consistent.

At the same time I was feeling very guilty about putting her though al this, thinking it was my fault -when in fact it was the depression. That may be why your partner wanted to break it off.

This is all based on the guess it is depression causing the parting. In my own case I both wanted to be on my own as my brain was so full of depressive thoughts I could not deal with anything else, but at the same time found my wife's constancy was a great comfort.

How to manage both of those I'm not sure, perhaps trying to do an activity you have both enjoyed in the past, and not discussing the current situation, might be a help.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

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[geoff]

Hello Jade23, thank you for coming to the forums and am terribly sorry for the situation you're in.

Firstly can I say is not to lose hope, if he does have depression, this may happen if you were meant to go away for the weekend together, only because this illness makes it so difficult to show any positive emotion, especially when the two of you are by yourself.

It's completely understandable because this happened to me where my wife and kids wanted to pack the caravan and go away, but I declined.

He wants to propose and buy a house, I think that depression has stalled this, but it doesn't mean he won't, so let's get him the help needs, however, it may not be straight forward, and remember don't forget about yourself.

How to help him will vary from day to day, and on the days when he's not responsive or won't want to talk with you, it's nothing you have done, so please, just realise this will happen from day to day.

One problem to try and avoid is to keep asking him questions, that's where he may close up, not only with you but with other people, if he wants to talk let him, you can add to his comments slightly, and be prepared if he rings you or wants to speak with you at any hour of the day.

This is why you need your own assistance, but hope you can get back to us.

Goff.

[815]

Hi Jade23, Croix and geoff,

Firstly, Jade23, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. But hopefully posting here can provide you some support. I am still muddling my way through supporting my husband who is suffering from depression. All I can suggest is to also look after yourself, so you have the strength to keep supporting your boyfriend. I think you are amazing for wanting to support him and seeking advice here.

I just wanted to post here because I am so grateful for the insights provided by Croix and geoff. Geoff says, not to lose hope. And I think that is one of the most important things to remember. No matter what, hold onto that hope as that is what will get us through to the other side.

And Croix, your words about your wife and how her constancy provided you great comfort. And that the behaviour of a depressed person are symptoms, and not their fault, nor the fault of their partner or family trying to support them. I think this is important for all of us 'carers' to understand and accept - although still a difficult pill to swallow, so to speak.

In any case, your posts have given me great insight, and hope and strength to keep holding on. Thank you.