our intimacy

[deek21]

So I've been with my husband since I was 17, hes had depression anxiety since we've started together now 9 years on im 25 hes 31 we have a toddler whos 2.5.

But im not happy anymore. I don't know what I feel about him. Ive always been the one supporting him through leaving jobs moving back into his parents putting life on hold due to his illness. 

But these past 18months and more so 6months ive been so unhappy. I don't feel in love with him. There always feels like im married to two different people but now it feels like one and this isn't the person i thought I loved!

I feel so lonely, craving the attention and feel of a man. Hoping its him of course but hes always got excuses to not be intimate with me. Theres no playfulness which isnt something new hes always been this way. But now it all bothers me. Im thinking why am i still married to him? Theres nothing between us, he doesn't show me he misses me with affection or kind gestures.  Ive been trying to hold onto hope that he'll change because we have a daughter but my feelings aren't going away. 

Ive explained so many times that I need to be touched and have intimate moments with him but nothing gets through.  Hes always got excuses when i try to initiate it .

Am i overreacting, i need advice on what to do....

[ci]

Deek21 hi I'm so sorry you are going through this I have been with my husband since I was in my teens as well.

Relationships can be hard they go up and down sounds like there is a lot more to it than that for you though with your husband's depression. 

You are totally in your right to have needs and want intimacy. My advice would be relationship counseling or individual counseling to work on your issues I  think it's great to get someone else perspective and to feel like you tried everything before you walk away. Sometimes things seem hopeless but can be fixed and relationships stronger. But for this to happen both people need to be invested I know this is not always the case.

Put your self first your needs are important believe me who in mid 30s never done that and I've paid the price. It's true what they say about mums need to look after themselves and be happy. So they can look after the ones they love.

[White_Rose]

Dear Deek

Hello. Glad you have you here on Beyond Blue and welcome. So sorry to read about how unhappy you are. You have been brave enough to write in here and that is no mean feat, so congratulations. Taking the first step towards getting help is always the hardest.

People do change over time and sometimes a couple grows away from each other. It sounds as though you are going through a particularly bad time. CI has given you some great suggestions. Sometimes you just cannot see the wood for the trees and end up feeling completely lost and frustrated.

It does sound like a good idea to try marriage counselling. Try Relationships Australia. They do not have big charges, maybe none, not sure. If your husband will not go with you then go alone. This is too important to put off. You are able to start a new life on your own with your child so do not let procrastination make you wait until supporting yourself is at best difficult. Having said that, you may not separate. You may find a way through your difficulties which would be great. But do it now before your lose your energy.

You have given your husband all the help you can. Now it's time for him to stand up on his own and not use you as his support.

This is what is happening although he does not appear to notice or acknowledge your support. Time to take care of yourself and to accept you are as important as him and need a stable life.

Mary

[deek21]

Thanks for the advice ladies. 

I feel so run down that I'm not sure if i have the energy and patience to wait it all out. 

To support your husband through his depression is one thing but to have nothing in return from him is another.

He says things like valentine's day is coming up i know don't expect much. (Meaning he can't afford much) our anniversary is a week later, and i don't see him planning and saving for these things in advance. 

Hes never done anything to surprise me or taken me on a night away night out organised by him . planning things is too hard he says because one he doesn't know what to do or how to make me happy.

Then theres the intimacy, as mentioned theres no spontaneous moments, no playfulness. We have sex usually once a week its normally a Saturday as hes not so tired. And I never say no, even if i don't feel like it because he never initiates it anyway.  

We tried twice in 18months to see a marriage counselor and he found it un useful.  So we stopped without getting a little help or advice yet.

I don't know why but i feel so needy and want attention and affection.  Expecially the in-love feeling".

Its so confusing to know what else to try and do. Ive spoken about it with him so much im out of breath. 

[ci]

Deek21  you are not needy or wanting attention your are just a women.

I went through this in my marriage not to the extent you are suffering my husband never had depression or anything I'm the one with the problems but they are a recent thing and I try hard to appreciate his help. 

My husband has only started to become more compassionate and caring in the last few years after a big health scare for me and wake up call for him. Before this I  would always get upset that he never planned anything for us never did things like mothers day or anniversary or even birthdays he said exactly as you put in your post I don't know how to do any of that stuff I can't sort things out like you can. Made me feel like I'm not worth anything and no one wants or deserves to feel that. It's awful and don't feel bad for wanting what we all want love and affection.

You need to be happy and express what you need in life it's very important and I feel like me not expressing mine contributed to me becoming unwell. 

Maybe you should seek counseling on your own to work out what you want to do about your situation you can't force your husband to come with you but if you go maybe will change his mind or maybe he won't. My advice is look after yourself take time for you don't focus on what you want your husband to do and everything else will fall into place as its ment to because you will be focused on making you happy.

[geoff]

dear Deek, my first immediate comment is that if you have sex every
Saturday, religiously on that day, then it's only pleasing your and his
joy of natural relief in having sex, it's not what a loving couple does,
because it's done spontaneously when two people love each other, from
what they have done by way of enjoyment, excitement, the thrill of
something positive happening or just an intimiate time together, doing
it everytime on the same day is mundane, no love involved, personally I
would find it boring, it's just like cleaning the shower every week.

If he is in denial, maybe or maybe not, or not a bit interested in seeking
help to try and overcome his depression, then this life-style will only
drag on, achieving nothing.
You want him to love you and enjoy as
well as love your baby, have fun together, play games that involves the
three of you, but he is pushing all of this away, denying you
everything.
When people are deressed they don't initiate something
that may give the both of you happiness for fear of failure or
rejection, however this dosen't mean that when you are intimate joy can
not be shown.
Unless your husband wants to start getting professional
help then this relationship will only stay the same, so have a think
about the options available, so please get back to us. Geoff. x

[Princess_S]

Hello deek

I also feel needy and want the attention of my husband. The attention that I crave is more of an emotional one. We are not intimate in the heart, or their is no connection in the heart. He does not understand me. This makes me feel very alone and sad. I find myself wanting to be known by him. We have been married 20 years. Sometimes it feels like I am living with a stranger. I don't feel like I matter to him at all. There really isn't much physically closeness at all.

So I can relate to you, and it does hurt doesn't it.

xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Deek

I tried to get my husband to attend counseling with me. He refused because he did not have a problem, it was my problem and he was happy with his life. How good did that make me feel?

It truly is sad that your husband cannot (or will not) see that you are unhappy. Having spent many years living in that situation I'm not sure I am qualified to offer advice as I just put up with the situation. In hindsight there are many things I could have done but I think my major problem was fear closely followed by no self confidence. or perhaps they are the same.

What I wish I had done was to leave the marriage in the early years. I tried very hard to be the good wife, loyal, supportive, attentive, caring. Then I realised he considered it his right for me to do these things but it was not reciprocal.

I agree with CI. Get some counseling assistance for yourself. Not necessarily to save your marriage but to clarify in yourself what you want and need. No, you are not needy in a bad sense. We are all in need of love and care. Living in a situation where this is not only missing but the desire to care is also missing is a dreadful way of life. It may be a long road, but do start the journey soon. Clarify what you want to do, not because it suits your husband but because you cannot live as his shadow. Then take the steps to achieve this.

It may be you will stay together subject to various changes. Maybe not. But making a decision now while you have the strength and energy to cope with change, whatever that is, will be easier now than later. I see you feel you have no strength or energy, so make that your priority. Try to leave your husband out of the equation and focus on you and your health. Then take whatever steps you feel are right.

Mary

[deek21]

Wanted to post an update. Since 2016 wow that's so long ago. Reading my post took me back.

I finally left my marriage after another child later in 2019. The hardest decision I ever made.

He still hangs on since then and unfortunately has gotten worse with his psychosis and now is on the injection for it fortnightly.

I am still sad however and have my days of looking back. I'm 31 now and my girls are 8 and 3. We are doing well and I'm not anxious anymore and met a man since. Thank you all for all the love over this time.

[geoff]

Hello Deek, it's been quite a while since we have heard from you but certainly pleased we have.

We tend to forget threads that we've replied to, not because we want to, but because we become involved in other comments that take our thoughts elsewhere, and unless we write down who we respond to, we have to rely on the person to come back and keep us informed, thank you for doing so.

Geoff.