Needing advice and tips on how to help my partner understand mental health

[Lily_28_]

I have a loving partner. I am so fortunate to have him in my life. We have been together 9 years January 1st.
I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off throughout our entire relationship (started before we met). I am currently seeking mental health assistance from psychologist/psychiatrist as well as my GP.
I am on the positive side of the wall, I am finally feeling achievement within myself- building myself and being able to actually breathe. (woohoo!)

I guess the struggle is...

My partner does not, and has never understood mental health. He has tried over the years, but he just cannot get his around it, and feels why cannot I just be 'fixed' / choose to be happy?

He has been brought up in an environment where he has never experienced or had friends etc who have experienced hardship in this way. So he is unaware of it. I cannot say that is his fault- he has just been fortunate to be in that situation.

I guess my main question is, how do you help the ones around you understand mental health?
How do you support them with learning and dealing/coping with it?

How do you educate them that the notion of being unhappy with mental health is not their fault?

For those of you out there- I want more than anything to become a mother, and my partner is terrified I will get post natal depression. How do you support him with the notion that just because I have mental health/ generalised anxiety disorder, it does not give me an automatic sentence of post natal depression. How do I educate him with the facts and knowing that at least I will be able to identify if I am going into a down spiral?
He turned to me and said he didnt know if he would want me to be the mother of his kids anymore (even though how much we want them together) as he is worried about working full time at his career, taking care of me and the baby(ies) .
Can anyone provide me with any insights or experience or knowledge on this for me to explore?

I would be ever so grateful. x.

Is there anyone with knowledge/experience you could please pass onto me as I would love any assistance please 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lily,

Thanks for reaching out tonight. We can hear that you really want to help your partner through his worries and it's commendable you are actively looking for resources to assist with this.

You can take a look at our resources for new parents and depression:

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/maternal-mental-health-and-wellb...

There is also a link for new dads and how to support their partner with anxiety or depression:

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/dadvice-for-new-dads/supporting-...

We hope these resources are helpful to you. Do keep updating us here, whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Lily, with having MI, anxiety and depression can certainly intertwine with each other, although on any day one could be stronger than the other and then reversed the next day, we don't know and we can't necessarily predict, not unless a situation we don't want to happen is going to occur against our will, then both or either one of these is more dominant.

When my ex had PND after our second child, fortunately, her mother was living with us in a family hotel who helped out an enormous amount as I was trying to run the hotel by myself, unfortunately, I also developed PND which I tried to hide and no one knew about it and never thought, back in those days, of getting any help, although my ex (now) had a couple of psychiatric sessions and then stopped ('81).

The most difficult task for anybody close to someone suffering from any potential mental illness is to be able to communicate with them in a dialogue they can understand and allow them to express themselves without interrupting or offering your own opinion which may cause them to close up, that's very difficult but certainly can be done in a tactful way.

If you are able to get them to see their doctor, that's a positive start where your help will be of great benefit.

Please get back to us.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Lily

I did experience PND with both my kids in my 15 or so years in depression.

After my second child, I attended PND group therapy. This time in my life was miraculous as not only did it help me with PND, it actually led me out of my long term battle with depression.

What to watch out for when you do become a mum somewhere in the future

• If you're experiencing low levels of oxytocin, you'll know about it. Bonding with baby will be a challenge. Managing ways to bond is important, so as to help increase oxytocin levels
• The sleep deprivation that can come with feeding is something that needs to be carefully managed. If it starts to mess with you, one bottle feed and the rest breast will give you at least 6 hours of straight sleep. Your partner does the one bottle feed, giving him the opportunity to bond. For any mum who's having trouble breast feeding, my advice is give it a good go and then stop. Continuing to try becomes a form of mental torture, leaving you feeling like a failure. The objective is to feed baby, doesn't matter how. To all those experts who push mums to keep breastfeeding beyond what is reasonable, they do more harm than good
• To anyone who says you're not doing a good job (in however they choose to word it), under no circumstances are you to listen to them. DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE, AT ALL!!! They put doubt in your mind, doubt that should not be there. It's a new challenge and you will be doing your best. Look to guidance, not criticism
• Many partners can feel ripped off based on them not getting the attention they are used to getting from us. When a fully dependent little human enters the household, they will need almost 100% of our attention. If you feel like there's no time for your partner, this is most likely because there isn't; try not to feel bad about this.Your partner should be helping you, not leading you to feel guilty about there being no time for him
• Take care of yourself when you do eventually become a mum. Look after your energy levels (they'll be challenged). Find solid support that makes a positive difference. Watch out for dogooders who are doing more harm than good

Few talk about the deep challenges that can come with being a 1st time mum. Our kids are amazing in the way they raise us through great challenge, to find the best in our self. If not for my kids, I don't believe I would have found the best in myself. Mums will often do their best, under the circumstances, even the toughest of circumstances.

🙂

[therising]

Hi Lily

Should have mentioned, reassuring your partner that you are considering multiple ways that can help you manage being a 1st time mum more easily could make a difference to him, reducing some of the fears he might have. The more research you do, when it comes to ways to manage, the more open minded he might become. He might even realise 'Hey, I can do a lot also in how I help the love of my life manage being a mum'. Perhaps his deepest fear comes down to not being able to manage at all. Management is key!

🙂

[Lily_28_]

Thank you for your help with resources.

I feel like there isn't much information or resources in regards to the connection of preexisting anxiety (sometimes depression) and then the chances of cases of PND. My partner is a "fix it/logical" kind of guy so for him it's hard to not have that information.

[Lily_28_]

Hi Geoff,

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences, but also thank you for sharing.

I constantly have this constant state of anxiety and fear at the moment each day as we are living apart due to work at the moment, I won't see him for Christmas and New year/our anniversary and he is so concerned about taking me away from my support system as I'll have to relocate across the country to be with him and to then be alone for 8days of every fortnight ago he has just got a FIFO job.

[Lily_28_]

I want to thank everyone for their kindness and support.

I was wondering if anyone had either trouble understanding it themselves and needed help to understand it, or had partners in that situation?

[therising]

Hi Lily

My husband didn't 'believe in depression' until I actually came out of my depression, strangely enough. It became a matter of him seeing the difference in me. He concluded there was definitely something undeniably different and significant about how my brain worked under the circumstances. Myself, I did a huge amount of research about the human brain in the years following coming out of my depression. I suppose it became like a bit of a quest for self understanding. Personally, one of my favourite authors is a guy named Joe Dispenza. I have all of his books. He is an absolute legend. Two favourites are 'You Are the Placebo' and 'Becoming Supernatural'. Knowing how the brain works under different circumstances can sometimes help us help others make sense of why we're ticking the way we are. Had a lot of 'Aha!' moments during my years of research which led me to think 'No wonder I was feeling and thinking the way I was. How could I possibly have felt any other way under the circumstances'.

I believe research is definitely the key to helping people better understand mental health challenges. While others may not be able to relate to how we feel, they typically can relate to the fact the brain works on chemistry and a host of other factors.

🙂