Need help with my husbands porn addiction

[Purplehummingbird]

I believe my husband is addicted to porn. I now believe this has been going on for years. We have been married for 32 years and have 3 adult sons. I saw him using porn a long time ago, I was hurt and shocked and wondered why I was not enough, we were young and having regular sex back then. But I did not say anything. He is a good man and we have a strong relationship, well I thought we did. I am 56 and he is 58. We have not been intimate for about 4 years. My libido crashed when I hit menopause, he was not bothered by this. I just assumed he was losing his too, as there was already evidence of this. But now I think it's because he was using porn. We have not shared a bed for over 20 years. I am a very poor sleeper and he is a snorer. I discovered him using porn about 3 months ago, and since then I have been spying on him and have discovered that is is pretty much a nightly ritual lasting up to 2 hours. He tells me he's tired and is going to bed, gives me a kiss , then goes and looks at porn. Over the years I have tried to initiate intimacy but I am always rejected. Since my recent knowledge of his nightly ritual, I have tried again and been told he's not interested, even that he'd have to take a pill, then he's gone and masturbated to porn. We do nothing more than kiss, hug and hold hands. We do spend a lot of time together, go to movies, dinner, drives and away for weekends etc. He always tells me he loves me so I never thought this was going on. I am feeling betrayed, hurt, angry and very low. I feel like I've been punched in the guts and my heart is breaking. I want to confront him but I'm worried about his reaction. He is also a heavy smoker and a bit of a hoarder. He knows how much this bothers me, but when I bring it up, he gets angry and defensive, so god knows how he will react to this! I am in the process of writing him a letter, which I will read to him, I think this will be the easiest way for me as I generally avoid confrontation. It's also giving me time to think about it and use the right words, but I am still struggling. I am wondering if there is any support out there? I would love to be able to talk to someone, but we are under financial stress. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Purplehummingbird,

Thank you for sharing this here. We're sorry to hear that you're concerned your husband may be addicted to porn, and you're feeling hurt. We're really glad you came to this community for support. It's great that you could share this here.

We're sure we'll hear from the lovely community once someone connects with your post. In the meantime, there is always support available from our Support Service, please give the team a call on 1300 22 4636 if you'd like to talk this through. It's completely free and confidential, and you can call anytime, it's available 24/7. If you'd prefer to connect with a counsellor online, you can do so here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support

You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They have some great advice on their pages, too. 

Thanks again for being open and sharing your concerns with the community here. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Purplehummingbird~

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, As is a hard one, please forgive me if I'm blunt.

Finding out the person closest to you for 32 years has such a secret is deeply upsetting. There is that breach of trust; and also many take this as being a reflection on themselves, even feel inadequate -  I strongly suspect it is not so here

You said your husband was addicted to porn and mentioned that you noticed when you were both young. Could  this have started before you got together?

I underlined addiction because it is a set of activities that are as addictive as alcohol or other drugs and as hard to change. It may also have started for a particular reason early in his life

It is something most people are very reluctant to talk about - even lifelong, even if they want to - which is quite possible, they feel the embarrassment or shame is too great.

Any addict will need help and support to overcome - it is not just a question of making up one's mind to stop, it is normally too deeply entrenched. Perhaps smoking may be the same - another addiction.

You do say a lot of positive things "He is a good man and we have a strong relationship", you list activities you enjoy together in each other’s company.

I get the feeling that you see this as a problem to be solved but wish to stay together - am I mistaken?

I would like to make a suggestion. It would be very easy -and who would blame you - for writing an accusatory letter, pointing out the breach of trust, secrecy and the anguish it has put you through. Then demanding changes

You may also be right this will simply bring on a defensive reaction rather than one that motivates

Could I suggest instead that despite the hurt you treat this as you would any other addiction and try to display understanding and support in helping him change - including praising  any victory

I fully agree this might be a hard thing to do, particularly as you, like anyone, would be angry. I do believe it is the most productive way to go

He would need counselling and possibly a support group too. Perhaps if you rang our free 24/7 Help Line or counselling Service they may be able to assist

Croix

[Purplehummingbird]

Thank you for your reply.

You are right, I do want to help him and stay together, and yes, we do still do many things together. He is very supportive in all other aspects of our life, such as the kids and me caring for my ageing mum.

I was thinking of a letter as a script to follow that I have carefully worded, as I feel a conversation might not go so well. I was never going to accuse or blame, mainly focus on how it has impacted on me. I think he would understand and respect that. Obviously, he knows I would be upset as he is keeping it secret. I was also going to point out that we love each other and I want to support him.

He is a very heavy smoker, so addiction is an issue for him. I agree counselling will be something we will need to look at.

Out of the blue, he actually initiated intimacy this week for the first time in years. It was wonderful, and has made me feel more hopeful. I checked on him and he did not look at porn that night. Maybe I'm clutching at straws, but I'm taking that as a positive sign.

I will definite get in touch with the service. I think I have just been ready yet.

Many thanks!

[Croix]

Dear Purplehummingbird~

That is a very positive and sensible post you have just written and I have a strong feeling that you will be able to cope with this problem together.

The fact he wished to be intimate with you and the feelings it arose in you are matters - if it was me - I'd emphasize. The knowledge he brought you such joy can be a strong motivator, perhaps even more than the  negative feelings of guilt and regret he has hurt you - which I'm sure he would be aware of already. I'm not suggesting don't mention the depth of the hurt, however just the  knowledge that he can bring you joy is a most excellent starting point.

Sometimes we cannot stop an addiction becuse of logic, or even a desire to be well, it may take more.  In my own life I was a very heavy smoker form an early age (8 or 9) with a 3-pack a day habit. I could never stop it and thought smoking was an integral part of me, and would remain so for the rest of my life.

Then after my first wife passed away I remarried, to a lady whose husband had succumbed to lung cancer - he too had been a heavy smoker.

My wife never remarked on my smoking at all, however it was plain to see every time I coughed (which was quite often) her face wold turn sheet white.

The pain and fear I was causing her was the turning point and gave me the courage and determination to stop. I've not smoked now for over 25 years. Sometimes it takes something outside ourselves to combat an addiction.

Please let me know how you get on

Croix