My boyfriend has severe depression and I need support

[Stuckinmud]

Hi everyone. I'm feeling very lost with my situation. My boyfriend of 3.5 years has depression, and I'm not coping very well. He switches between sleeping all day AND night, to sleeping during the day but being up all night, so most of the time our sleeping patterns don't match and I rarely get to see him during the day. On the odd occasion he'll be able to wake up in the morning and do things during the day. We sleep in different rooms, however we do sometimes sleep together, but it has to be in his bed in the back room. He's taking 6 different antidepressants each day, he has body tremors in bed, sweats profusely in bed, gets irritable very easy, has no sex drive, doesn't cook or clean and expects me to go to the supermarket to buy food, otherwise he'll continuously buy take away food and get it delivered. It's a huge strain on me, and at times I just can't handle it. I have a disability and suffer from tiredness, depression and lack of motivation, just to name a few. His depression was improving recently after starting his 6th medication, but now it's just back to sleeping a lot again.Whenever he drinks, he does it to the point of passing out. Whenever he's awake, he just plays the xbox or watches Netflix in the back room. I feel lonely. He does have his good days, but they aren't often. He doesn't give me much affection, and often pushes me away, and he's quite critical of what I do and don't do. My mum and friends don't understand why I put up with this, and I know it's not my responsibility to look after his well-being, but he has actually done something about it and stuck to it since I've been with him. I've been encouraging him to never give up, and he's made the effort to go to Dr's appointments and tell them if he sees no improvement.I do love him very much, but it's very hard on me at times, and I've never experienced someone with this severe depression. I don't really know what I'm asking for, I just need support.

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you for caring x

I'm trying to separate the person from the illness, but it's so difficult.

He does little things that are nice, but the one thing that matters most to me, which is affection, is non existent. Then the unpleasant things I have to put up with like the alcohol dependency and the lack of appreciation is too much. I'm trying to stay strong, and I have for the last 3.5 years, but I'm finally crumbling.

[Winterfell]

When my husband was very irritable and depressed I started to realise I needed to be selfish and put myself first as otherwise I just resented him more and more. I started just doing the things I wanted to do and stopped trying to get him involved. I went out on the weekend to the shops with the kids, spent time with my family and friends and I began to feel less like I depended on him for wellbeing. Its not all rosy for us, he is an inpatient at the moment as he got to crisis point. I learnt a really good lesson about not trying to fix him and looking out for myself. It sounds like your partner has very little energy for himself and zero left over for you. Maybe accept if you want to stay with him this is just what it looks like right now and spend time doing things for yourself. Hugs to you, its a hard gig.

[Doolhof]

Hi Stuck in the Mud,

As others have mentioned here, depression can be a soul destroying mongrel of an illness. Both my husband and I suffer from it, so our home life can be "interesting" at times.

For me, I have realised that sometimes I give up the fight and it is easier for me to stay depressed than to try and fight to get out of it. Thankfully I see reason in the end and try to pull myself out of it.

My Dr. is wonderful, such a help and very understanding. He has actually placed me in hospital a couple of times because I was just about at breaking point. That time in hospital helped me immensely.

My husband dragged me off to the Dr. a few times. It was the best thing he did.

When my husband is depressed, he shuts himself away and does not like me to be near him. I try to encourage him to get out now and then. Sometimes he goes off with his mates to watch movies and have dinner. At first I was really disappointed he did not take me, then I thought as long as he is getting out and enjoying himself that is the best thing.

He would lay down on the couch and watch a lot of sport so I would take some craft, a book or whatever into the room to sit with him and chat during the commercials.

It is really hard to push someone who does not have the energy to help themselves. Eating healthy meals is a good start. Can you get him out of the house for a walk? Exercise and fresh air will do you both good.

Look after yourself in all of this. Would it be possible for you to spend a few days at your Mum's? Maybe some time alone might make him think about life differently. I don't know.

Hope some of this helps!

Wishing you both well, from Mrs. Dools

[Stuckinmud]

One of my good friends just got engaged today, and as much as I should be happy, I'm not, and she understands that. I knew prior to this that she wanted me to be her maid of honour, and she's just spoken to me about it because she knows how I'm feeling in my life right now, and she doesn't want me to commit to it because I feel like I have to, and I honestly don't want to ruin her day with how I'm not coping with life. I feel like the best thing I can do is decline her offer. As much as it pains me, I just can't do it. I fear I may let her down if my feelings plummet.

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you.

He doesn't care if I spent time away from him. He refuses to go for a walk with me, and he never make me a priority.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Stuckinmud, making sure you can manage your mental health is an important priority and if you choose to decline the offer, that's okay. Your friend sounds very understanding and supportive, perhaps you can speak with her about how you are feeling and divide the duties between your friends to share the load. If you need someone to talk to you can always call our Support Service: 1300 22 4636

[Stuckinmud]

I have spoken to my friend but I don't want to think about current events anymore. I wish I'd never found out about her getting engaged. I've declined her offer to be maid of honour because I can't be the supportive person she needs. I don't even want to go to the wedding.

[Doolhof]

Hi Stuckinthemud,

It sounds like you are starting to become a little depressed yourself. It is tough looking after someone with a mental health issue.

I'd like to suggest you use one of the phone help lines and chat to someone or go and see your Dr and have a chat with them.

Read up on how to cope with a person suffering from depression as it is very important that you look after yourself in all of this.

It can be difficult to be happy for others when you are in an unpleasant situation yourself. Maybe when it is time for the wedding you might like to attend. Time will tell.

Look for ways to make your days more pleasant and enjoyable.

All the best from Mrs. Dools

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you. I will consider talking to someone.

My friend lives in another state, so I'll have to decide pretty early whether I want to go or not. I hope I can stop thinking about it soon, because it's making me teary and sad.

[blondguy]

Hi Stuck

I havent been on your thread for a couple of days...I see that you have had excellent advice since I have been on last...

I understand you are doing it tough...I just read something that I have been trying to say.....

Winterfell said: I learnt a really good lesson about not trying to fix him and looking
out for myself. It sounds like your partner has very little energy for
himself and zero left over for you..

Besides Mrs Dools learned advice....Winterfell has really given some great no nonsense advice here...

Always good to hear from you Stuck:-)

Thanks for posting back too!

Kind Thoughts

Paul