My boyfriend has severe depression and I need support

[Stuckinmud]

Hi everyone. I'm feeling very lost with my situation. My boyfriend of 3.5 years has depression, and I'm not coping very well. He switches between sleeping all day AND night, to sleeping during the day but being up all night, so most of the time our sleeping patterns don't match and I rarely get to see him during the day. On the odd occasion he'll be able to wake up in the morning and do things during the day. We sleep in different rooms, however we do sometimes sleep together, but it has to be in his bed in the back room. He's taking 6 different antidepressants each day, he has body tremors in bed, sweats profusely in bed, gets irritable very easy, has no sex drive, doesn't cook or clean and expects me to go to the supermarket to buy food, otherwise he'll continuously buy take away food and get it delivered. It's a huge strain on me, and at times I just can't handle it. I have a disability and suffer from tiredness, depression and lack of motivation, just to name a few. His depression was improving recently after starting his 6th medication, but now it's just back to sleeping a lot again.Whenever he drinks, he does it to the point of passing out. Whenever he's awake, he just plays the xbox or watches Netflix in the back room. I feel lonely. He does have his good days, but they aren't often. He doesn't give me much affection, and often pushes me away, and he's quite critical of what I do and don't do. My mum and friends don't understand why I put up with this, and I know it's not my responsibility to look after his well-being, but he has actually done something about it and stuck to it since I've been with him. I've been encouraging him to never give up, and he's made the effort to go to Dr's appointments and tell them if he sees no improvement.I do love him very much, but it's very hard on me at times, and I've never experienced someone with this severe depression. I don't really know what I'm asking for, I just need support.

[blondguy]

I was the same grumble bum before I started have my psychologist (female) kick me many times for doing the same.

The depression will decrease...that much I do now as a sufferer....the AD's are a huge help but not a 'total fix' The meds are a huge help but not a 'total fix'....They provide a sufferer with a platform on which they can heal with regular visits to a doc/therapist. Nearly 20 years of depression here. But sometimes a sufferer needs to feel worse before they can get better....

Same as going to a dentist....we have to go through pain before we can heal.....

I understand where you are coming from Stuck....You also have your own health which comes first.

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish 🙂 I just hope I am being of some help..

Kind Thoughts

Paulx

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you. I just don't know what to do. He's quite stubborn and easily offended. I've tried talking about how his depression affect ls me and he gets defensive.

[Stuckinmud]

And how long is this going to last? Will be never want to cuddle again? Will be ever make me a first priority? How do I get him to stop criticising me and physically pushing me away?

[Stuckinmud]

Well, today just proves how selfish he is. I'm sick with a cold, feeling very weak and shaky, and I am him if he can go buy me some food because we don't have much in the house, and he says no, because he feels cold! I'm bloody sick and unable to move much, and his reasoning for not fulfilling the only request I ask of him is because he's cold. Fml. Sorry. I can't count the amount of times he asks me to make a special trip to buy him food because he's sick or not wanting to get out of bed, and when I reject it, he says that he would do it for me if I asked. Yeah right. He's just proven that he won't. I hope he remembers this next time he requests the same from me again. 😢

[blondguy]

Hi Stuck

Depression can last a long time. BUT I can improve with regular therapy so he doesnt treat you this badly.

Even with depression he shouldnt be expecting you to be a courier for him and treating you the way he is.

He needs more therapy and if you are with him it may be a bonus as he is being somewhat selfish and cruel in his behavior.

Depression is no excuse for behaving the way he is

Thanks for posting back Stuck

Paul

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you so much for your help. It's been a relief to get this off my chest.

How would I go about suggesting therapy to him, since he's been to a few sessions in the past and hated it.

[blondguy]

Hi Stuck

No worries and ta for posting back 🙂

Therapy can be initially difficult as the doc will be asking some questions of your boyfriend 'to enable him to vent and dump some (or all) of the anger and frustration he has been carrying on his shoulders'

Once he has committed to regular therapy...and sticks with it....he will start to heal. When I started I also found it difficult until the doc asked a few trigger questions that had me crying like a baby. (Venting out my thoughts) Thats why the docs have tissues there....for when the person starts to cry...if they do..

Maybe offer to go with him? Your boyfriend may be expecting a quick fix..no such thing. It took me about 3 months of weekly counseling (and occasional crying) to 'get it' and understand that I felt like a new person because the doc kept pushing the right buttons.

Sometimes we have to feel worse before we get better! No pain...no gain....

I hope he agrees to regular visits and really opens up with his counselor

Go for it:-)

Paul

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you. Like I said, he's been to a few sessions in the past, but I don't really know what happened during them. His depression didn't get any better during that time, but it may have been because he wasn't taking the right medication. He told me that the therapist was discussing about his previous marriage, as he carries a bit of anger from that, but I dint think she was talking to him about the emotional abuse he suffered as a child from his dad. He was very reluctant to speak about that with me for a very long time. As you would know, the abused often defend their parents, even if they're the cause of the abuse. I don't know if I should speak to his mum about how I feel. She's a nice woman and is supportive, even though she doesn't know what it's like to be depressed.

I think dealing with the painful feelings and talking about them is too much for him and he just wants to avoid it. Whenever there's conflict in the relationship and I'm feeling ill treated and try to discuss it, he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it, even though he knows that I do deserve better treatment. I'm at a loss at what to do.

[blondguy]

Hey Stuck...

Now its getting clearer...I had the same anger issues as was used as was abused a child too. You can only do so much here....

Talking with his mum sounds like a good plan...If you scroll to the bottom of the page under 'The Facts' click on depression and copy & paste it...print it out.....have a calm and nice visit with her and let her read it...Depression is a mongrel of an illness to articulate face to face with anyone!

Maybe a good idea? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain....It also shows his mum that you care very much and are trying so very hard to help her son:-)

Thanks for elaborating on his previous marriage and the abuse he went through. I was a bit like your boyfriend year ago...stand offish and anti doctors...and angry. Now its clear.....he really needs to vent big time to a doc/therapist he trusts.....

Im thinking....

Paulx

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you. Your help is very much appreciated.

From what he's told me about his ex wife, she crossed a few lines with the things she did, and my boyfriend felt like they had to get married because it was the next step after engagement. He said he wasn't even excited to get married. They only lasted 6 months after the wedding. He was the one that left the relationship. Even though it was his decision, I know it would have hurt him very much, and adding to his depression.

It's going to be challenging to find someone he trusts to talk to about everything. He's only just told a friend of his that he suffers grin depression, and they've been friends for many years. It was a surprise to hear him finally open up about it.

The abuse from his dad is a very big issue. When his dad comes to visit (he lives in another state ), they both get drunk and my boyfriend gets upset and expresses his disappointment. It's quite sad for me to hear. His dad doesn't really try to resolve the issue. I cry inside when I think of how his dad treated him.