My beautiful 16 year old daughter hates herself.

[Moominmoo]

I’ve just spent another night trying every tactic, every loving compassion filled ounce of my soul, to settle my 16year old daughter to sleep. Again.

”I’m ugly, I’m so lonely, I’ll fail anyways, I have no friends, everyone leaves me out, I can’t do this anymore, why is everything so hard?!”

I sit here in desperation watching the wee girl I spent my years as a proud mummy with crumble.

Move told her even if she spends every day in bed I’ll still love her and be proud of her. I’ve told her she is amazing. I’ve listened, I’ve booked countless rejected dr and psychology appointments, I’ve tried everything I can think of! Even going so far as to say she is responsible for the happiness in her life, which in hindsight sucked because she sees no happiness!

How the hell do parents and teenagers get through this and more importantly how the hell can I guide her, unobtrusively through this?!

She just reacts in extreme anger, like throwing things and shouting and swearing in any situation that confronts her.

I need a holiday!!!!!

helllllllllp!!!!!!!!!

waaaahhhhhh!

[Quercus]

Hi Moominmoo and welcome to the forums,

Your post was equal parts sad and beautiful. Beautiful because how how deeply you love your daughter and sad because she can't or won't accept help.

At my local women's health care place they often run classes for young women (high school age). These classes focus on self esteem and resilience. Do you think maybe something like this might be easier to convince her to go to? A class of peers who are in the same boat as she is. We can't give referals but check out your local centres, ask your gp or the school psychologist even.

The downside of Mum's opinion is she knows you as biased because you're her Mum. So what other trusted role models are around her?

If Dad is in the picture now is the time to get him involved. My psychiatrist told me my Dad was absent at a time when I needed his feedback to know I am worthy of respect as a young woman. He thinks the approval of trusted males at this age is critical (I don't know theoretically why just that was what I learnt from him).

Or trusted friends and other family members... Anyone there who can help? Ask if they will spend time with your daughter teaching her an activity and having a chat. My friend has a 13 year old and she is into makeup and hair (her Mum isn't). So when I go there for a cuppa Miss 13 immediately goes for the makeup and then I straighten her hair. She talks to me because I'm not her Mum. So I can ask the hard questions (like when she told us about her new first ever boyfriend I got to ask what she knew about consent... And she listened). My point is young women need lots of trusted people who care about them. To build her up but also teach her things you may not be able to approach her about. What do you think?

I hope you can keep writing if it helps you. I would like to know how you go and what works for you if you feel like sharing (I have a little girl but one day will be in your shoes).

❤ Nat

[Croix]

Dear Moominmoo~

It's a most worrying, frustrating and exhausting time and I feel for you. I suspect you have a sense of humor which is always a help.

Now Nat has given you some excellent thoughts and I'd only like to add one thing. If you already do this my apologies.

For a teenager the world is full of images that imply criticism. Everyone on TV looks better, has amazing boyfriends and can ... well you get the idea. Video clips, magazines and all the clutter of modern life are the same.

When you add in the fact that as a young person seeing how people are on the inside is not a well developed ability it is too easy for her to see her friends as being happy, well presented and successful without realizing the similar torment they may be going though too.

Words of reassurance are just that, and as Nat suggest are suspect because you are biased - teenagers are not silly. So perhaps doing any activity with her she might enjoy just as a companion, not a mum, and deferring to her judgment wherever possible may eventually build up her self-esteem.

If it was me I'd shamelessly play on the chinks in her armor. If she was concerned about me I'd get her to help, if she enjoyed Twilight movies I'd let her choose and go with her, if you have friend who does makeup I'd arrange for her to drop in, and so on. Everything involving action, moment and change. Maybe 90% will go nowhere, but some things might fluke it and help.

Croix

[Moominmoo]

Thanks for your response!

Its so hard. I try so hard to do things with her, we do spend quality time together which helps for a while.

Her self confidence is so low, and she shuts herself off and gives up very easily. She has a crappy relationship with her dad which doesn’t help sadly. “ it’s all in her head, she manipulates you, she needs to toughen up” are his responses.

I feel overwhelmed at trying to balance the peace and cause less stress in her life which ultimately causes everyone including her, to feel as if I’m babying her or am too overprotective at times.

A positive thing is she has just got a casual job so hopefully she will make new friends and gain independence through not relying on me for money. I just hope she can cope with the added responsibility of working and studying.....

jeez. Being a mum is hard work!

🤪😱

[Moominmoo]

Much appreciated advice mate.

I’ve tried just about all you have suggested.

Time will tell I guess. She is also very very stubborn and uses anger as a way to deal with hurt, as well as “ if I had this item of clothing, or furniture or new make up etc it would make me happy”. which of course it does for a few hours but materialistic things are never a long term solution. I know that.

Hopefully she will stick at the new casual job she has just got and gain confidence in her new found independence.....she needs to learn that she needs to pay for her make up and furniture herself! I beat myself up for perhaps spoiling her too much ..... 😢

[Croix]

Dear Moominmoo~

I would think that the way we judge people has to be flexible. There have been many times when I have judged even myself using the normal everyday standards that would be applied to others. I've come to see this is a trap. It is just plain silly to expect someone with an illness to perform in the same way as someone who is well and fit.

As an example getting out of bed in the morning can be a major triumph when in the grip of depression, and failing to do so is nothing to do with laziness.

So I would suspect her dad is operation on the wrong principle and needs to cut some slack and also make an effort to understand what he is dealing with, your daughter's very real problems. Is there room for you to talk with him and maybe come up with a more united approach? Would his visiting her doctor be of benefit in helping him understand?

I also suspect that you already have a pretty good idea of the balance to make, between relying on gifts and saying no, I'd also think you daughter, like my offspring, even when ill is not above taking advantage of the situation:)

Anger is not unusual, when life is handing her an unpleasant existence, resentment and trying for some measure of control can result in anger, even hitting out at loved ones. There is an up-side. Properly harnessed anger can lead to determination, something I've found. It has helped keep me going in harsh times.

It's a pretty good thing she is trying employment.

Beating yourself up is a pity, it is not deserved. There is no guide book for the situation you are in and some of the things you try may be mistakes, others work well. The fact you love and are a sensible and stable force in her life is more important than anything else at all.

As Nat has asked, is there anyone there to support you?

Croix

[Mumma79_]

Hello, I know this post is years old, but please tell me... how did you manage through those years? Was your daughter ok?