Lost and lonely but never alone

[alittleatsea]

I’m seeking some guidance or support please. I am in my second marriage and in a blended family situation, which is hard enough. 

We used to have every second weekend to spend together, but unfortunately my ex husband is currently in jail so my life has changed in an instant; child support, no second weekend to myself, supporting my child alone through this terrible and shocking time. 

I have a demanding but well paying job, and have always prided myself on being resilient  and still being able to be joyful and enjoy life. 

My husband has been suffering from depression for about 2 years now. He’s finally on medication, albeit it also serves as an anti inflammatory after complicated surgery so such a relief to get him on something that was helping him a tiny bit. 

He forgot to refill his script, and had two weekends in a row of unacceptable behaviour. 

He has now reacted to those two weekends in the extreme. Extreme dieting and exercise, and no alcohol. 

I know bonding things we can do together don’t have to involve alcohol or treat meals as such, but we used to really enjoy going out for dinner or creating cocktails at home, shopping for lovely food together. 

He was initially loving and supportive of my child when my ex was first arrested, but treats my child so differently now to his own children who are with us each second weekend and that makes me sad. 

I feel so alone but never alone. I now no longer have financial support from my ex, even though I have a great job that’s a shock or time to myself, and another rug of pleasure with my husband has been instantly removed too. He doesn’t want to share a trip to a foodie store, or a lovely bottle of wine and spends a couple of hours most nights at the gym so have lost nighttime connection too. 

I feel like I can’t talk to my family or friends because it’s my husbands mental health, and feel myself slipping further towards numbness with no pleasure or something to look forward to. I can’t seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Croix]

Dear Alittleatsea~

Welcome here to the Forum, I hope you will see others here who have similar situations.

First off your ex going to goal must be a mixed blessing, htere is the money side of that and having you kids full time, awkward to say the least. On the other had It may well be a good thing for your kids to only have a good example.

Do you find you and your kids get on OK with his kids?

I think if I was your husband I'd be frightened. It shows how fragile having a reasonable life can be, wiht just a couple of weeks off meds and one's behaviour and thoughts can change -a lot.

As a result he may well have gone overboard in an effort to be what he thinks of is ideal, no drinks, gym, and so-so food. In this severe regime it may well be it affects his temper and he slides into familiar bad habits paying attention to his kids and not yours.

You deserve -and in fact need -all those little attentions, food shopping, a cocktail or two and happy company wiht him. In fact wiht you kisds full time you need them more.

So how do you could get him to realise he is going overboard and overreacting to that couple of weeks? Is this something you cna talk about wiht him and have a change of persuading him he is trying too hard, and as a result is making you life -and that of your kids - harder?

It may be htat a third party, a couples councilor, may asist. I'd recomend Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 who, if htey are near you, can do a pretty good job. They are not free but do have a sliding scale to help prevent hardship.

Apart from that do you have anyone to support you, a family member perhaps, not only so you can lean on them and know they care, but maybe also in practical things like minding the kids now and again?

I would like ot hear from you again if you felt like it

Croix

[alittleatsea]

Thank you for your care and response. It’s makes me feel like someone out there in the ether wanted to respond, so thank you. 

His kids and I have a complicated relationship. They get told some poison at home, and we only see them every second weekend as they live quite far away. Yes, I could make a much bigger effort but not wanting to has come from years of staring at video games and grunted responses. We now have my daughter full time and I think there is sadness/resentment that we have her and he doesn’t have his kids. 

I have tried to have that discussion, but the answer is “I need to do what I need to do for my health”.

thank you for validating that I need some pleasure in my life; I’m not perfect but feel very suffocated and unsupported at the moment. The person I thought would be there for me isn’t, and on top of our radical life change, any “fun” things have been removed too with this new regime. 

We have tried counselling before and it’s been good. Blended families are just so tough at the best of times and this isn’t one of them. 

Yes I could definitely ask family; I just don’t want to be a burden and they haven’t reached out to offer either so feel like I’m a little on my own. 

Thanks for the perspective too about my husband. I know he is going through a lot, but so am I. Happy to try again but he is adamant this is his way forward for the foreseeable future.

[Croix]

Dear Alittleatsea~

I guess there are several things I'd like to offer, I've no answers just a few suggestions.

First off you are certainly right, blended families are hard, and hoping for a 'Brady Bunch' life is probably not realistic, nevertheless for me and my partner it is at least worth aiming for.

you are also right you need a balance in your life, part of that is made up of good times and activities. It cannot be all drudgery, that skews one's outlook and may often make a person feel like giving up on trying..

If a member of you family came to you with a problem would you feel burdened or would you want to help as far as you could - which might simply be listening. Turn that around and it may well be you could draw some comfort by being not so isolated. No complete answer but maybe life a trifle easier.

I hop you have a good relationship wiht your daughter, if so that may be an example to his kids of what they are missing. I doubt trying to include them with her would do any harm.

You mentioned there might be some jealousy that he does not have his kids full time -and they already sound pretty withdrawn -at least with you. There is a sort of time limit on when a parent can have a lasting influence on their children, and demonstrate love and care. If you  husband has feelings for them perhaps trying with him to establish that bond might draw both of you together and stop him from placing his health as the most important thing.

This does not mean giving judgmental remarks about their mother, just trying to be someone less distant might be an avenue. Obviously I do not know them, however being fun and interesting is a thought. Nothing happens straight away.

Having  someone, a freind or councilor perhaps,  point out to him that love for and from his kids may help resolve his health  problems as much as exercise, meds or abstinence.

Do you think any of this is on the right track?

Croix

[alittleatsea]

Yep you are on all of the right tracks, thank you. 
Yes, I need to try harder with his kids. I think I’m also in a bit of self preservation mode too and have zero energy after my own job, household and my child (who I love more than life) but is my very constant shadow. 

My husband has just come home from a lovely swim, sauna and spa talking about how refreshed he is and it’s all I can do to bite my tongue to not be bitter about how exhausted and to be frank, jealous of his spare time. 

Will try to dig deeper. I really thank you for your perspective. At least everything you have very wisely suggested aren’t new thoughts to me so I can take comfort in perhaps my thoughts aren’t completely off track with the situation. 

Thank you, more than you know!

[Croix]

Dear Alittleatsea~

My pleasure, and I'm glad you have been thinking along much hte same lines.

Yes, to see him come in all sparkling after pampering himself must be very wearing, however perhaps praise at his success and proactive steps might b a means of getting him to take more part in family (and your) life.

I guess it depends on how much he loves and want things to work. I'm sure you can show the possibilities so he does not think it a hopeless battle..

Croix