Long term relationship breakup

Jay-1234 · ‎17-10-2022

My fiance has fallen out of love with me and broken up with me. 3yrs ago I was in a terrible accident that left me maimed, with complex PTSD, depression and anxiety. I was near death for over a month and my partner of 7yrs proposed while I was in the ICU. It has been a really difficult time since with a lot of adjustments needed by both of us and he had been very supportive. I'd noticed that he was struggling to cope for the past few months and had been encouraging him to seek therapy or take a holiday away from me for respite but it was refused. Three weeks ago he told me that while he loves me, he was no longer in love with me and feels more like a carer than a partner. He asked me to leave and that he is unwilling to attempt any type of repair to the relationship. I was completely unaware of the relationship breaking down and we were discussing pregnancy and building a home together just the week before. I'm now living with my mother and my belongings are in storage while waiting for an accessible home to become available. I feel so terribly lost and my panic attacks have been uncontrollable to the point where my GP has prescribed medication. I hurt so bad, am really confused and am terrified of the future. I miss him horribly and am devastated that somehow my relationship of 11yrs just disappeared in 3 weeks and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Sophie_M · ‎17-10-2022

Dear Jay-1234

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.

We are sorry to hear that you are going through this right now; relationships can be so difficult to navigate at the best of times but can also cause so much pain when they come to an end, particularly when you weren't expecting this. We understand that this may be daunting right now however it's important to know that these feelings are a normal part of grieving for your loss. With time, and lots of self care you will heal, this is demonstrated in the strength in you to have overcome all the challenges you have so far. Please be kind to yourself and find anything that brings you comfort in those times of fear, sadness or despair. The following resources might be helpful for you to look at while you wait for a response to your post:

Griefline or telephone 1300 845 745 to maybe gain more understanding into the loss and grief process.

Information on Anxiety and Depression

Information on Managing Stress, Anxiety

Anxiety Management App

If ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat Click Here . Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.

We’re sure you will hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you. Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards

Sophie M

Croix · ‎17-10-2022

Dear Jay-1234~

That is a terrible pair of blows, your accident now the peron you have thoght of as being such a part of your life for 11 years going. So at the moment you are in shock and it all may seem both unreal and even hopeless.

I would like to give you a little bit of encouragement. I think it is a tribute to your nature that a person who knew you for 7 years wanted ot comfort and support you after the accident. I think it is a further tribute to your nature that your ex managed to make the transition from partner in all respects to one who had a different role. - for a whole three years.

That does not mean you are never going to find someone who can care deeply for you -and help where needed, it simply means the contrast between before and after your accident was unforeseen.

I"m sure you ex would have spent a long time thinking on this and wrestling with guilt.

One think to consider is htat this parting has prevented long term resentment building up -something as corrosive to a relationship as anything you can imagine.

I'm glad you had your mum to go to.

You are going to always be welcome here and I'd like ot hear how you get on

Croix

Jay-1234 · ‎30-10-2022

Thanks so much for your support guys. I have now been offered a 12month lease beginning mid-January at an accessible apartment through my university and my mother is ok to house me until then. My regular psychologist has once again been granted funding to see me again and I will be following up with her in a couple of weeks to assist in new grounding techniques. My university has been very supportive through this time issuing me a counsellor and social worker to assist me in my unexpected homelessness and coping with the separation as well as finish the semester without failing units. My ex and I have been able to continue to separate amicably and I have asked my lawyers to please give me some space before we proceed with family court to process the separation legally so it won't impact my future claim. I found the application recommended helped keep me calm and the uncontrollable panic attacks have once again eased to a controllable level without resorting to tranqs. I'm beginning to find joy again and no longer feel as hopeless though tears are still quick to come. I hope reading this forum helps others experiencing something similar in the future. Thank you again for your kind comments.

Croix · ‎02-11-2022

Dear Jay-1234~

I think your wish will undoubtedly be granted. Many people who read here but never post themselves are the silent majority and can gain a lot from what they see.

All your news is good, and that's iportant - not just for you - but to show others living difficult parts of their lives that there can be helpful people and that there is hope.

I'm very glad your units are ok, it is important.

If you would like to say how you are getting on anytime we would be glad to hear.

Croix

Jay-1234 · ‎17-02-2023

It is now 5 months after my relationship ended with my ex. I am living in disability suitable accommation and am ok being on my own (amazing how much less cleaning there is!). I spent the past few months living with my mother for support and working on reigniting my hobbies and passions that I had let wane during my long relationship. I had stopped making time for those amongst the responsibilities of running the household and working full time pre-accident and just trying to function post-accident.

I am working hard on my mental health and am very happy to say that after undergoing 35 sessions of transcranial magnetic stimulation, my depression has eased dramatically and as long as I maintain my medication I am able to see the positives in life and enjoy the small things again. I've even taken up a physical hobby of kayaking to assist with that serotonin goodness!

My ex and I have been able to keep a positive acquaintanceship but we attempt to interact minimally in person as both of us are still struggling with the separation process. There is still love between us and probably always will be, he just couldn't take all the shifts in dynamics after my accident. He tried for 3yrs, which is better than a lot of couples that have been through our situation. I am not the same person I was before my accident and never will be. He just isn't in love with who I am now.

Our finalisation of property settlement is still in process through family court though we are both happy with how we have split our finances and shared property.

I searched for and found a friend with similar interests to become lovers with. He treats me well and isn't looking for any control over my life which I find refreshing and suitable for my needs right now. I am beginning to come to terms with the strong possibility that I will remain childless as I do not intend on deliberately choosing to be a single mother and I am far from ready for another committed relationship. By the time I am ready, I will likely be too old to conceive naturally easily.

I still have a deep, large level of sadness inside me in regards to the separation from my ex. There are still tears. I miss him frequently. But I am moving forward, my life is progressing and most things I see in my future are positive.