Husband with depression

[T_]

My husband was diagnosed 8 months ago with depression by his local GP and has seen a psychologist a few times. He is not on medication. He is not a big talker about feelings at all. We have been together since we were 19, married at 25 and had our second anniversary this year. Our life is good, we both have good jobs, though quite stressful and we travel regularly. Our friends are starting to have babies, but we are not yet considering this. Just recently my husband thought that maybe the depression was getting worse. After a big emotional discussion he spoke about not feeling happy with me, with questions such as how do I know you are the one that I should be with and statements such as I don't love you enough, you deserve better. He questions now whether it is depression that he has, or whether he just doesn't love me and this is causing this unhappiness that might be mistaken for depression. He has booked in again to see his psychologist and I have booked in to see one too. I have become quite anxious that my marriage is going to end and there is nothing I can do about it. We would both say that we don't have any problems in our marriage as in we haven't had problems and do get along well.

Has anyone else experienced this with their husband or wife? I would not usually join these sorts of forums, but I am at a loss as to how to help him.

[Katie]

Hi T,

I am going through the same thing with my husband of 20yrs. He has had depression for nearly 10yrs. I too am being told that I am the cause of his depression ,that he doesn't love me anymore and we shouldn't be together. I have to say that it is really difficult to have someone you love try and push you away and say such hurtful things.

I think the depression has taken hold and his mind is in such a 'fog'.

Sounds like your hubby needs to seek help again. do you have a family member that he is close to, that can suggest this. From experience if it comes from you, he will resent it.

wishing you the best.

[prj]

I am very new to this sort of forum, any forum for that matter. Nonetheless, I am anything but new to the feelings, consequences, and healing from experience with depressive mental illness. I offer, for whatever it may be worth, a view from the inside as a husband. I hope it's helpful.

My view of the world, when under the throes of depression, was one of being stuck in a very large paper bag. There's no way out no matter how hard you fight you just sink lower and lower. There are a lot of good, non-technical works out there that describe the feelings from the inside (use google to look for specific titles, or recommendations on the beyondblue website). The concept of 'fog' is also VERY spot on. I came to think of it later as being in a maze, at night, with foggy mist all around. The inner anguish, loneliness, and feelings of worthlessness all roil about. It's all very confusing at the time. The feelings generated within the sufferer are real enough even if their genesis is from within. The impact to others not familiar with this can be devastating because in the grip of the illness we lose our sense of self and clarity of thought diminishes. I said some very unfortunate things and I didn't mean any of it!!! Fortunately, my wife is very aware of what depression is and knew what I was going through.

From your husband's as well as your perspective it might look pretty grim. One thing about depression though is if you hang in there it gets better. Hooking up with a therapist that resonated well with me made my journey a successful one. My wife's awareness of my illness and steadfast love saved our family.

Katie's suggestion about getting a neutral third party to suggest your husband continue to search for a therapist that works well with him is a good one. I needed a bit of convincing and other close friends helped with this. It's a really good idea.

I would hope that your husband can be guided back into the light and fun of life. There is always a way out, he just has to find it. Have hope, it gets better.

[christopher]

Hi,

I am one of those husbands that suffers depression, I have suffered for many years, been to the dark side many times, I used to think that I was not worthy of my family. I have 2 sons and I have been married for 29 years. Some days I could not stand being around them, I could say I hated being around them, its so weid and so sad why you think like this but you do. I often thought that I wanted them out of my life. On my good days I would love them so much, then you just flip to the dark side again. I would be surprised if your husband does not love you, he just needs more help, I am surprised that his doctor did not put him onto medication, this changed my whole life once I started medication, I still suffer from depression but a lot milder, at least I can look at life a little bit clearer. Try and get him back to the DR for another review. If he can get some control over this problem he will see life a bit differently.

Hope this helps feel free to ask anything.

cheers

Chris

[geoff]

dear T, first of all Katie has made a very good point when she says ' From experience if it comes from you, he will resent it', and at this point of time she's right.

From my own experience it's the depression which is making him say this as I used to resent my wife, now ex, from trying to get me to do this or that, or going to places, I didn't want to do any of this, so I blamed her but it was only to myself mainly, and even if I said no she insisted, and I hated her doing this. This is depression working.

Has your husband been offered any antidepressants or is he adverse to taking them.

I will be honest with you when you say ' we don't have any problems in our marriage', well actually there is a problem, and that's his depression, although this may not have been caused by your marriage, it's something that is affecting your relationship, so really this should be pointed out to your psych.

Are you prepared to take antidepressants yourself, which you could do as there are no plans of becoming pregnant. Good luck. L Geoff. x