Husband with Bipolar Disorder

[Chocolate68]

Hi there,  my husband has had bipolar disorder for over 20 years, wasn't so noticeable or frequent years ago but as he gets older, there are 2-3 major episodes each year.  Starts off with insomnia and trouble getting motivated, through to exhaustion then hyper mania for a few months then onto the downward spiral to depression.  He is currently going through another episode, its been 6-8 weeks now on hyper mania and he has been taking anti-depressant and sleeping medication which is not helping. Last week he went to the Dr and was prescribed a mood stabiliser, which he now refuses to take.

I am deeply concerned as this manic episode is getting out of control, he is confrontational, berating, not rational thoughts or suggestions, not acting responsively, and trying to reorganise the house (moving everything around and "de cluttering") and being hyper all the time and not being able to stay still.  We are sleeping in different rooms as he is up all night, then crashes for an hour or two, then up again and buzzing around trying to "change the world".  For the past few days he says he's been really dizzy and unable to stay still and has to keep moving.

Monday we are back at the Drs for another assessment, I will tell the Dr that he is not taking his medication and suggest that he must see a psychiatrist.  

I feel totally exhausted with all his "in your face" behaviour, the kids understand that Dad's not well and know not to push things otherwise he just freaks out.  I am very cautious when he is around, not that he would hurt us, but I don't know what's going on in his mind.  I feel as though he needs time away from us, and I don't really love him the way he is.  I know he is sick and it's the illness that I hate, not him, but I can't even be in the same room with him as he makes me feel so uncomfortable.  This is not a good environment to be in, I have stress enough at work, and with the kids, school and a step father terminally ill with cancer, I don't know how long I can take his behaviour.

I have no other family support here, his friends have noticed a change in his behaviour (some say he has been acting a little strange) but when I say this to him he thinks that I am making it up and it's me that has the problem, and apparently everyone else understands him but me.

He blames me for the way he is feeling, he constantly seeks my OK for things that he does (when he doesn't need to) and believes that I say things when I don't (words in his mouth).  He says that he knows I hate him (which I don't).  He says that he hates me as I never compliment him and that I always say that he's never good at anything (which I don't).  I just shut up now as I don't want to get into an argument.

As for rearranging the house, at 3am the other morning I woke up to him clearing out the kitchen pantry (to de-clutter) and everything was out everywhere.  At the moment, he is in the bathroom rearranging the vanity unit, putting stuff from the kitchen into the bathroom and vice versa.  It's exhausting and depressive!

Anyone want to talk or have some advice.

Vanessa

[Ms_Green]

Thank you for sharing your story. I heard so much of what I feel in what you have listed. It brought me comfort. In amongst those emotions I feel silenced, like I can't discuss what really is happening to us both at home. Judgement from others scares me. Have you told friends / work colleagues your situation?

[Cornstarch]

People will judge you. Absolutely they will. Don't let anyone sell you a false sense of security especially as it applies to workplaces. They are competitive environments and people look for weakness, some feast on it.

Over the years, I have had very mixed results with people learning about my being a descendant of madness in places of employment. Some reactions are felt in your face, and other judgments filter back through the pipes and from little birds. Six degrees of separation, you will hear what people really think of your bloodline and 'your type' eventually.

This is an extremely middle class country I am not surprised that you cannot discuss truth. Both schizophrenia and Bipolar are in my family. They are horrific, cruel conditions to have. That said Bipolar is kind of hip right now and sympathy is more easily bestowed than someone who is schizophrenic.

In some ways my childhood experiences have made it harder for me now that I am wrestling my own condition. Because I am so acutely aware of what it feels like to be on the 'other side', it is causing tension and immense worry amongst the Corn-Dog ranks, because I am struggling while simultaneously trying to protect them. I refuse to put my family through yet another round of misery, so I 'withdraw', or I prefer to call it 'retreat', to save them the pain. But then they freak out, so we call meetings instead of throwing chairs. This week I asked them to meet my shrink because it all came to a head.

Don't interpret that as if we have never wanted to throw chairs and you are intrinsically weak if you have. Trust us, we are only human, we have felt like throwing chairs in frustration. As far as I'm concerned if you're still sub-10 years in caring, you're still in primary school. Start creeping up to the 4th decade and you can become unrecognisable to yourself at times.

It's a very odd feeling; being/existing/experiencing both sides of mental illness simultaneously. All your feelings are valid and there's no shame in feeling spent. My Mum who is schizophrenic said, "I know I am hard to be around when I am unwell, and I know I am hard to live with".

Ouch that stung our hearts. Because it was true.

Bipolar treatments can be a bit hit and miss. Is your loved one responding, or are you in that awful place where modern medicine is failing?

[Ms_Green]

Thank you for your insight, honest and deep reply. Lots of take always. I will keep re-reading.

I hadnt thought about my own (and together) stage of learning and understanding about bipolar - very useful link to primary school!

My husband has been diagnosed for 8 years. He actively and willingly seeks many avenues of help both psychological and pharmaceutical. He has a strong network for both areas. Each episode I / we do learn more. However, each one seems to be getting longer. Out of episodes we have a good relationship, in an episode all his anger feels like it is aimed at me. I end up walking on egg shells. I feel burnt out and my inner thoughts say "I am done". So much falls on me for weeks/ months at a time. He has so much to offer and is a great man, however I feel like he is holding my head under water and shouting over and over for me to get out of the pool.

[Cornstarch]

That's very difficult for you. You haven't betrayed your husband or disrespected your wedding vows by saying it's hard to cope with at times. It can get really lonely too and it sounds like possibly you are battling a lot of it in private.

The harsh reality is there is no cure for Bipolar. As more years pass you will become more and more pragmatic in dealing with it. Have you seen that show Six Feet Under? We discuss mental illness the way they discuss death. I'm certain people must think us strange, uncaring or unfeeling at times when we are taking a break. But until you have been pushed to that edge for that many years, it's hard to describe. As well, life doesn't stop for you. Bipolar will not be the only challenge you face in your marriage and in your life. Life keeps happening, and you will have to juggle multiple stressors. We're warm people but everyone gets to breaking point eventually and you have to be very practical just to keep everyone alive and well. You have many years left together so to keep yourself sane you may face hard decisions.

What's sad as well is he no doubt would hate his condition. Who doesn't. The thought of managing something for the rest of your life is exhausting. Irritability, anger, frustration a short fuse just comes with the territory of mental illness. It's awful. There is a lot of grey as well, and when you've been amongst it for years you start to see the grey. I am sorry to say there are people out there who have figured out what their illness gets them, and what they can get away with. There's some name for it in psychology, but I've forgotten it.

You said you have days when you feel "I'm done". You can only work with the finances that you have and we are all restricted by our wallets, but could you buy a second property that will become a respite property? Bipolar is not going anywhere, and in another 7 years a little pad a couple of suburbs away when things are strained and you're feeling depressed yourself could save the marriage.

Good luck.

[Ms_Green]

Gosh! Thank you for your insight. You not only have a way with words but I connect with what you are saying. I really appreciate your time and honesty. I may just need to call on you again. I will however be re-reading your advice over and over to keep me in check!

Funny you refer to housing, I often joke how great our marriage would be if we owned houses side by side!!!!!

[Cornstarch]

Let's do it.

Let's build that 2nd property for you both.

You could have a nice little flying fox that joins the two. Just cut the wire if things get out of hand and he gives you the shits.

Then again he might build a Shawshank tunnel and come looking for you. Gotta put that excess adrenalin somewhere!

[Ms_Green]

You've brought a smile to my face!

[Ms_Green]

I felt compelled to share with you that after your advice, I was able I avoid throwing fuel onto the fire when dealing with my husband. Despite him being very broken, our interactions have been calm this week. Today he called me from hospital, he had admitted himself. We both felt relief. I was so glad to not feel any guilt. I new there was nothing 'wrong' that I said. I really approached each day differently. Thank you, your support really made a difference. I have told a few close friends and family that he is in hospital and I feel no shame, I feel proud that he is being so brave. Your words meant so much.

[Cornstarch]

Oh Ms Green, I'm sorry I missed this the other day, my lame jokes aside, I hope Mr Green in in good hands. Even if you had thrown fuel on the fire and blown your top that's OK. Jesus, if you have made it 8 or so years and not experienced outbursts of frustration yet I wanna know what your secret is! I promise you he will be equally frustrated with his own brain and malfunctioning nervous system. Screaming at it in his own head.

Don't feel compelled to tell everyone, it's no one's frigging business unless you and Mr G want it to be. As far as our society has come with mental health there is still a lot of ignorance. That said, I think 'ignorance' is an over simplification and I believe a lot is fear. Fear that they recognise the potential within themselves that they may have their own fragility inside that could end up brining them to hospital as well!

Tell Mr Green that Corn of Son & Sea was hospitalised for a month this year, voluntary as well. It was my 1st one, and hopefully my last.

You may not be feeling ashamed but I'm telling ya' now he will be. Maybe not forever.

It feels crap. I can't sugar coat. Sorry.

Absolutely crap.

My situation was a little different, I have a very shameful story attached to it, so I had to cope with the shock from family or friends that didn't know because apparently I appear quite normal. "What the hell happened!", and their panic, guilt, regret, shock that I was not feeling like I could cope with whilst in there, so I had the very awkward situation where I had to tell them to not visit me! Because with some people it was quickly descending into being about them. You can imagine how that made me feel.

In hospital you are just one of the mob. There will be people from all walks of life there, so he may feel the shame lift for a while, or at least have it normalised a little bit. I was in a private hospital and it's quite shocking how far people travel because there were no beds anywhere else. There were farmers and retirees from interstate, teenagers from the south coast, business men from Palm Beach, and just on my floor alone I think there were a few academics.

I hope the treatment team is good. That's what I was really scared of. I was not an ignorant uneducated fool, I knew we had a mental health system that shoves patients into the system, instead of designing systems for patients.

You'll both be feeling really sad.

Ms Green you will feel lonely too.

We can start building the flying fox today for fun!

[Hopefulandfighting]

Wow reading this is me. I know it's been sometime since posting but I'd love to get an update. My husband & I have been together 20 yrs he has always been an introverted personality. He has always seemed like he has suffered depression & been insecure. Suffers OCD in some areas of life quite full in. Last year he took himself to the drs as he wasnt sleeping suffering depression & anxiety & was put on medication which sent him in a high after 3 months. I had to call police & ambulance & he was helping involuntary for 10 day last 4 spent on leave. My life fell apart. While our lives have had ups & downs he is my rock well was until this. He has suffered suicidal thoughts many times & it seems the low after the high is never ending it's been 6 mths.

I have been aware all night another night cause I caved and let him have alcohol.

I have just told it's time to commit and everything he has tried isn't working so time away in a private facility is what he needs to focus.

I'd love to hear how things are with you chocolate68