How to get information across to my husband

Jo3 · ‎04-12-2013

Hi there,

If someone can give me some advice pls on how to get my husband to read up on information on depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

I have been suffering these mental illnesses for 3 yrs now and my husband just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what it's like for me to be depressed and to behave in a negative way because of BPD.

I have tried to get him to read on line information but he would be in it. I found a BB booklet that I had from last year and he looked at the cover and that was it.

I don't know what else to do apart from dragging him to my GP or psych, which I don't think he will be happy about coming.

Ive tried explaining it to him a while ago and he turned around and said it's my problem and that was it.

I feel so lonely without my husbands support, just wish he could understand. If he just sat down and read some information on depression and borderline personality disorder he may understand how I am feeling/coping.

Hope someone can give me some advice.

Thanks

Jo

Jo3 · ‎08-12-2013

Hi Stephen,

I had to go to my GP this morning as my migraine wasn't any better and it was because of my blood pressure.

I broke down again in his rooms telling him that I feel like a failure; i feel like there is too much to cope with. We talked about letting my husband know about how I am and feeling because he has no idea. So we decided that I would write him a letter and I will show my GP this Friday and then give to hubby. I'm going to explain to him that when he says things like - "oh you got the wrong petrol for the car"; or "you put the umbrella on the backseat, it will scratch the leather seats!!!". it affects me or that I feel upset because it feels like that I am hopeless. And that every time he walks around the house saying so loud that i can hear - "oh the study is messy, the shoes aren't in the shoe box" that if makes me feel lousy hearing him day in day out.

I'm hoping that he will understand what I am trying to say. And I will explain to him how depression and BPD have affected me.

I'll let you know what happens.

You know part of me wants to fight this but part of me wants to give up. I'm a bit confused because I don't know what to do. I feel I'm not coping as good as I make out to be; I feel that I keep a lot inside, bottle it up and now I feel that I am at breaking point where I just want to sit in a corner and cry.

Anyway, enough of me. I hope you're okay. Glad to hear you had a great family day yesterday at the beach.

Take care

Jo

Stephen123 · ‎08-12-2013

Hi Jo, sorry to hear about the migraine, it sounds like you have a really good gp though. The letter thing is a great idea, don,t hold back when you write it. Your husband really needs to hear what is going on so as he can support you as much as possible.

it sounds like you do it pretty tough sometimes, just try and remember what your psych has taught you and try and put it into practice as much as possible. You are doing really well Jo. Be kind to yourself. Stay strong, Stephen.

Jo3 · ‎09-12-2013

Hi Stephen,

I know what to put in the letter, it's just that I am scared. I hate confrontations or any type of argument even if it's a small argument. I don't know why, it could be because I saw my parents fight a bit and it was horrible.

But I need to let him know how I feel and what he says and does affects me.

Thanks for encouraging me.

Jo

Jo3 · ‎09-12-2013

Stephen

I don't know if I can do the letter. So much negative things going through my head. I hate it. Why can't i just be strong and speak out, you know why because i am so damn useless, weak.

There is so much confusion going on at the moment. I don't want to deal with it.

I was thinking maybe I will book a weekend away just for us next week as our friends cancelled. I need a break away from home and it might be good if it's just us two.

Why, why, why do things have to be so damn hard.

Jo

Stephen123 · ‎09-12-2013

Jo you must try to do this letter, I think it will be a huge leap forward for you. Maybe try practice writing it a few times. If you don,t like the first couple just burn them. This was a good tip I learnt from my very first psychologist just write everything and anything down a paper, your deepest darkest thoughts and once you feel you have written enough just take the paper to the garden and burn and bury the ashes. It might sound wired but it really worked for me. Once you,ve done this a few times you,ll know when you,ve written the correct letter that you,ll want to give to your husband. The two of you going away for the weekend is the perfect idea. Please have the letter written before you go away, that way you can slip it to him when you feel the time is right. You feeling that you can,t do this is not you talking, it,s the illness, you must fight the illness Jo and writing the letter is showing the illness that you mean business. I know you can do it Jo. I know you are a strong person, because you would have not made it this far if you weren't a strong person. You CAN do it Jo. I know you can!

Jo3 · ‎09-12-2013

Hi Stephen

OK, I will write the letter and when I feel its okay then I'll keep it and give it to him. My psych wants to see the letter.

Stephen, I know you say I can do this and part of me agrees but a bigger part of me feels that I can't because I get scared of confrontation. OK, I have tomorrow off work so I'll be home, i guess i can write a draft first.

Trying to book a place but it's difficult and costly so close to Christmas, but I really need to go, i need to get out of my house at the moment. I can't cope with everyone at home at the moment especially my mother in law. Yes my mother in law lives with us and has for the past 17 yrs, more now than what I have been on my own with hubby.

Jo

Stephen123 · ‎09-12-2013

Hi Jo, I know that confrontation monster all too well. It makes me mentally unwell. If I stand up to it though I feel a lot better after it. If you do the letter and just wait for the right moment I promise it will be a huge leap forward for you and your husband.

it must be hard to do your own thing with Mother in law there. I think if you guys get away it will be the best thing ever. Good luck Jo I hope things fall into place for you. Stephen

Jo3 · ‎09-12-2013

OK, I will do the letter, show my psych and GP and then I'll give it to hubby. I'll let you know how I go. The thought of doing all of this is making me feel so anxious.

Jo

Jo3 · ‎10-12-2013

Hey Stephen

I wish I was strong, but I don't feel it. This morning is not a good day. Been thinking about this letter and what to say; should I write it or not; should I just talk to him; too much going on in my head and now I have a headache.

I know you've given me so much support and you suggest I write him a letter. And I really appreciate your advice and support.

I need time to think; now can't even get accommodation for this weekend, so looks like we'll be home. But I might look again later as I really want to go.

Am I being selfish, if I do go away with hubby? I have so much still to do before Christmas, but i need time away. Wish it was time away on my own, just to have some me time and time to think about myself.

I'm sorry Stephen for going on and on with my crap. How are you feeling? What have you planned for Christmas?

Hope you're doing okay and I'm sorry for hassling you with my problems.

Jo

Stephen123 · ‎10-12-2013

Hi Jo, writing the letter would be a good exercise anyway. It migh get a few things straight for you. The problem with just talking to your husband is the right things may not come out or it might come out the wrong way. I think the letter is definitely the way to go. Keep trying with the accommodation thing, there are websites for booking last minute accommodation just google last minute. I don,t think you are being selfish at all even some time away on your own would be good. The thing is we have a serious illness and we need as much therapy as possible and this would include going away time or me time. Try not to let Christmas overwhelm you. We actuall now just let it come and go by keeping it simple. Maybe just a tree, a few presents because the kids are up quite a bit now and a nice meal on Christmas Day. My wife is a teacher so we,re just looking forward to spending time together in the holidays we have accommodation booked, camping mostly. I know camping sounds a bit rough for some people but it,s good to get back to the basics I reckon.

I made a bit of a breakthrough at my psych appointment this week. My psych insisted that my diagnosis is PTSD after years of being diagnosed all sorts of things. I,m still in the process of organising group therapy I think it,s the next logical step for me.

please don,t be sorry for talking over your issues, I think that is what this website is all about and hopefully someone else might get something from the thread. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Jo, good luck.