Helpless

[Indescribable]

My partner and I have been going out for 2 months. Everything seemed fine, until he stopped communicating with me. The messages began to be infrequent, to the point where we were previously consistently messaging each other all day and now if I'm lucky its now once or twice, sometimes even nothing at all. I began to think it was me and it started to have an impact on our relationship. He hadn't told me he had depression but as he was communicating with me less and I was starting to worry about what was happening with us he was honest about what he was going through. He also suffers from ADHD and he is in his early twenties which I have read is directly related to depression. He recently found out he was moving away to be with family for under a year, and I am unsure if this was the trigger as everything seemed fine before he was told this. He keeps apologising to me for dragging me into this, saying he is selfish and he's sorry when I talk to him about how his actions or lack thereof make me feel, but now this has made me feel like an awful person as I am aware he can't help it. We have decided we are going to do long distance as he is only a state away and we genuinely really like each other. But I have found it extremely difficult to deal with his behaviour. I am trying my best to stay positive about everything as I am a naturally positive person but it seems like I am upset every day. He has said that some days he gets so bad he completely shuts off from the world including myself and I feel that when that happens I'm unaware of whats going on. I have asked him to try and make a solid effort with communication as its the only way the long distance relationship will work but every time he says he will it just goes back to normal, 1-2 messages a day usually instigated by myself. I feel the need to be there for him by messaging to see how he is and try to uplift his mood but I feel foolish because I feel like it doesn't make a difference to him and I am hurting myself in the process of trying to help him. I feel its only going to get worse once he moves away which is in a day and I know it takes two to make a relationship work, especially long distance. He finds it extremely difficult to express his emotions and to talk about them, and he is extremely forgetful of arranged plans to the point where its hurting me. I have no idea how to handle this situation without getting hurt in the process. Please I need some help and guidance to help him but also me. 

[BeeGee]

Hello, and welcome to BB. I hope you find your visit here helpful - there are lots of wonderful caring people here who I'm sure can offer you their valuable perspectives.

I'm sorry you've been hurt by this debilitating illness in your partner. It can be really destructive of relationships, lives, pleasure - nothing is out of its reach.

I really relate to what you are saying about your partner - he reminds me of me, but perhaps a bit more severe than me. I was undiagnosed for 30+ years. My wife has been unbelievably patient and tolerant with me for our 21 years of marriage and I pay tribute to her love and perseverance over that time - it hasn't always been easy. Now I'm starting treatment I'm hoping I can make a better contribution to the relationship.

Is he receiving treatment for his depression or is he just trying to tough it out? I would strongly suggest that if he is untreated you consider how you might encourage him to see a GP to start the ball rolling; it can make a tremendous difference for most people. He has to want to get better though... if he's not motivated for things to be different then he has no reason to go. If he has tried treatment but it's not working he either needs to see a doctor and discuss this - there are lots of different options and often it takes a few tries to find the right one - or else find a different doctor if his current one is not taking it seriously.

For you, I guess the positive is that you are still early in your relationship. You have the opportunity to decide at this point how committed you are to it. Make no mistake, this can be a hard road, so if you don't think you are up for it then it would be kinder on both of you to consider your options sooner rather than later. Perhaps talk to him about where he is at with treatment, and decide for yourself how long you are prepared to wait to see if change happens (I wouldn't say this to him, it may sound like an ultimatum). After that time, re-evaluate and then have the conversation about where you see the relationship going. Whatever you choose will be tough - ending it with someone you clearly care about, or hanging in with someone who may not always be able to offer you what you are looking for.

Please don't hesitate to come here and vent or ask for help any time. We are here to help each other.

[geoff]

dear Indescribable, thanks for deciding to post on this site, because depression not only affects the person but also his/her support base.

You must be a kind and loving person to want to help your boyfriend of 2 months, but as BeeGee has said it can be a very difficult situation for you, in that he is moving away, which then makes this to be a task which you may lose communication with him, although as much as you try and talk to him as well try to help, it's not as easy being in another state.

I am saying that this is no fault by you, and when people first meet and if they do suffer from depression as well as ADHD then you are not told about it until the relationship develops, and perhaps they feel guilty, and because you fall in love they don't want to jeopardise this relationship.

There are two concerns here, and one is that you won't be able to force him into replying back to you, because he won't do it, only when he feels as though he can.

The second problem is that it is now affecting you, and we don't want you to go down hill, to the state of becoming depressed yourself, and if you don't hear from him, then you are going to worry not knowing what is going on.

When people become depressed they usually tend to isolate themselves and not wanting to hurt their loved ones, and as much as you want to help him, this may not happen.

If you were living close to him then it would be a different situation, so you could encourage him to see a GP and then on a medicare plan have 10 free sessions with a psych.

This puts you in a catch-22 position, because you don't know what he is actually doing or if he is seeing a GP.

What I do suggest at the moment is that you should go and see your own GP, so that you can get seek some help yourself.

I wish I could be more assistance to you, but I do hope that you can stay on the site and let us know.

Your a very thoughtful lady. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Indescribable

I am so sad to hear your story.  As Geoff and BeeGee have said, the effect on partners can be as devastating as it is to the affected person.

I do not have anything greatly to add to the replies above except to suggest you read the information designed for people whose partners have depression.  You can find this at the top of the page under Resources.  This is all good stuff and may help you understand a bit more about your partner's difficulties.  It is important that you "get" the whole picture as Geoff has said so that you can make a decision about where your relationship is heading.

His (your partner, not Geoff) depression is not your fault or your responsibility and as BeeGee has pointed out it can be a long road to recovery for both you and him. Think carefully about your future.  You sound so caring and concerned about your man but long distance romances frequently fall apart for all sorts of reasons not connected with depression.  As Geoff has suggested, see your GP, especially if you have a good relationship with him/her.

Take care of yourself first.  You cannot help others if you become distressed.  Post here often if it helps.  We will always be here.

Regards

LING

[Indescribable]

Thank you to everyone who replied to this post it really has made a difference to me. I love him and I have looked up depression and its not the person that says or does the things they do its the condition so I do need to keep that in mind so I don't spiral into this as well. I never give up on anyone and I wouldn't want to do it now especially when he needs someone in this dark hour. I want to persist to try and uplift him in any way I can because I do care for him and his well being and I seem to be one of the only few who know about what's going on. He has seeked help before and he said it didn't work, I have been encouraging him to do so because I know it can really help but he says he doesn't want to so I'm assuming from his reaction that he wants to tough it out. He says some times he has really bad weeks or months, but from how he is speaking it doesn't seem to be large sections of his life like years, but none the less it still isn't healthy for him to be feeling so down. Day by day I am taking it less personally which really makes a difference to my state of mind. I am starting to feel happier that I am not giving up on him just because it is very hard and I find me taking care of him in this time of need really uplifting for myself as well. I do have my moments where I feel quite down but it doesn't last very long and I talk to many people who support me on this journey with him which definitely does help. I suppose I just wanted to see if anyone could suggest coping strategies when dealing with someone who does have depression, or things I could do or say that could make him feel better about what he is going through.