Helping my partner

[david_d]

My girlfriend of more than two years suffers from quite severe depression. I knew of this when we first starting dating, however the past six months have led to it returning with a force. She has had several serious breakdowns at work and at home which have led to multiple conversation about suicide. I organised for her to go and see a councillor and have been in constant contact with her family and employers about her condition as they are just as concerned as I am. 

I am naturally a very happy person, maybe too much so, and this has been my first interaction with mental illness of any kind making me feel I am completely out of my depth. I have spent a lot of time over the last few months reading as much information as I can and trying to help her through it although at times I am not sure if I am helping at all. 

I have made it clear to her that I am not going anywhere, I love her dearly and know this is only one point in our lives that we need to work through together. 

However, my concern is that I have no idea if I am helping. I myself have a very stressful job, which often requires long hours and dangerous situations, however I feel like I am now spending more of my time worrying about her than looking after myself. I cannot keep an eye on her all day but when I am away I do become concerned for her, not knowing if she is ok or feeling down. I am also aware I cannot let her know the impact this is having on me, because it is clear it will push her over the edge. I get the feeling that soon she will attempt to push me away for fear of hurting me (which I think is a common thing from what I have read), however, I know I need to be prepared for this and am not sure how to handle it. I have no intention of going anywhere. 

The bottom line is I want to do everything in my power to help her through this in anyway I can. I would do anything to help her, but as I said this is very knew to me and you can only read so much before it all becomes the same. 

I assume a lot of people have been through similar situations, any advice would be greatly appreciated no matter how small. Things that I can do or approaches I can take to certain situations would be fantastic.

[JessF]

Hello David, let me start by saying that you are being a wonderfully supportive partner for your girlfriend and I think you are doing all the right things. You're only forgetting one thing: support for yourself. I would recommend seeing your doctor and getting a referral for some psychologist sessions so you can help manage your stress levels without feeling that it's all bottling up and it will burst out in front of your girlfriend.  It sounds like you have a good relationship with her family, perhaps you can talk with them as well?  It will doubtless be having an impact there too and they will probably (hopefully) know how to work through it as she will have had these episodes before.  It's not all your responsibility, David, that's the main thing to remember. 

If she is suicidal then her doctor and counsellor shoud know about this, David, and be monitoring her.  I know you must feel helpless right now but please know you are helping just by being there, by being informed and by telling her repeatedly and often how much you love and care for her.  When we are in the grip of depression our minds tell us horrible lies about how unlovable and worthless we are.  Just keep being there David, but make sure you get some extra support for yourself.  Please keep talking to us here too if you find it helps, it would be good to hear some updates from you on how things are going.