Help in getting depressed adult child to open up

[JustWantToHelp]

Hi all,

Hoping to get some advice here. I have an adult child in their early 20s who has been suffering from severe depression for about 18 months. They went to therapy for a little while, but stopped after a handful of sessions as they felt there was no benefit. They were also prescribed medication, which did prove helpful to some degree, however, they now appear to have stopped taking that too. I asked them why they stopped and they said that they forget. When I remind them, they just say they've taken it, but I can see they haven't, and now they have hidden the medication or thrown it away.

While they go to work (part time) and mostly go to their uni classes, outside of that, they spend all their time locked away in their room. They won't engage with me at all. Even a simple conversation about their day is met with a one word response as they head straight to their room. They typically come up to eat late at night when everyone else has gone to bed. Similarly, when they leave for work in the morning, they don't even make eye contact as they pass and often don't even say goodbye, they just walk out the door. They don't eat with the rest of the family, nor do they accept any invitation to do anything with us.

I tried talking with them last night, but they refused to sit down to discuss anything. I had to speak to them from across the room while they stood at the top of the stairs. They wouldn't engage in any conversation whatsoever, so I simply asked them to let me know how I could help them and that I love them and their mental health is my top proirity. Shortly after, they went out to the pub. I sent a long text asking if I've done something/haven't done something that has made them completely withdraw from me. They can't even have a simple, general conversation with me any more. Their reply was simply 'I want to be left alone'.

I don't think they're mad at me as we're going overseas together later in the year (which was their idea). It seems obvious to me that they REALLY need to start back on their medication and give therapy another try, but I just don't know how to reach them and have those sorts of discussions if they refuse to engage with me at all.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Hi JustWantToHelp,

Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re so sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing at the moment. We can hear you’re a really caring parent and your concerns come from such a loving and supportive place, but it’s also a difficult and scary time.  

I’m sure we’ll hear from our amazing community soon, but in the meantime, we wanted to share a couple of pages with you in case they interest you: 

• When someone you care about won’t seek support 
• 10 ways to be there for someone 

Caring for someone with mental health concerns can take a toll on our own wellbeing, too. Our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone have some good tips on making sure you take some time to take care of yourself, too.  

The Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk. 

While you have not specifically mentioned this - If you’re ever concerned about their safety it’s important to know that you can call 000 as this is an emergency. 

Thanks again for sharing here. We really appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing and offering your support here on the forums, so we hope you can be kind to yourself also through this time. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[tranzcrybe]

Such an invidious position for you where wanting to help is being regarded as invasive.
At present you seem to be battling your own conscience for not knowing how to proceed. Give yourself some respite to help settle things down and this could reduce the pressure your son is feeling for his part in your distress.
It's certainly no 'solution', but availing yourself requires objectivity to facilitate open discussion without bias or personal inference. Monitor stealthily though as you still need preparedness for decisive action should things deteriorate further.

[therising]

Hi JustWantToHelp

Your son is so incredibly blessed to have you in his life, someone so supportive and open about mental health. So many kids out there, young and older, who have the 'Toughen up' mantra spouted at them by parents who just don't take the time to relate and lack the compassion it takes to raise their child out of one of the toughest times in their life. He really is lucky to have you.

While we're super open about mental health in our house, based on me having managed depression over quite a number of years, I gained some insight from my 20yo daughter back when she was struggling through lock downs in year 12 (in Victoria). She told me that although she appreciated how much I cared about her well being, it used to aggravate her when I'd try to 'fix things'. She wanted to feel how depressing things were (because they were) and would have appreciated me feeling that with her, as opposed to being more focused on finding solutions. Personally, I can relate to that validation factor. It's about not feeling alone (in more ways than one).

I can't help but wonder whether your son is feeling some of the anxiety inducing and depressing aspects of uni or whether he's feeling himself having legitimately lost interest in a course that no longer interests him the way he originally thought it would. Is he feeling what 'lost with no sense of direction' feels like? I wonder whether his job is unexciting and he is feeling a depressing lack of excitement? Can he feel a disconnection from family members, based on them not being able to sense how he senses life? Has your son always been a real feeler or sensitive? Sometimes such people can feel like 'the black sheep of the family' or 'the broken one'.

Myself and my kids are major feelers and have a language that revolves somewhat around that factor. With my son struggling through year 12 this year, I tend to ask him how he feels things are going'. His response, 'I feel exhausted, fed up and stressed'. When I try and imagine how that feels, I imagine what it would be like to be in the same job for almost 13 years, just wanting to escape from the stressful, depressing and exhausting elements of the latter years. Was so much easier back in the day where we were free to leave while being fed up at the end of year 11.

Could your son possibly be wanting you to feel what he feels? For example, if he gave the meds a good go and they weren't working to the degree he really wanted them to, would he want you to really feel how disappointing that would be? As you would know, the more deeply you feel for your kids, the more pain and heartache you come to sense. Don't forget to take good care of yourself while you do everything you can to raise your son up and out of where he finds himself.

[sbella02]

JustWantToHelp,

My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry to hear that your child is suffering. As somebody of a similar age who has definitely acted like this when my parents have tried to help me out, I may be able to offer some advice from the perspective of a daughter.

It seems you have already tried reaching out in various ways. As much as your child may appear to be rejecting your support, please don't let that deter you from trying. Even if you change the way you go about it, let them know that you're there for them. Truly, it does help. 

I have a suggestion that may seem small, but it could be something to think about. Leaving little supportive post-it notes next to their room, or their favourite food outside their door, something to let them know that you're there for them in a more subtle and perhaps less confrontational way for them, seeing as they've asked to be left alone. It can be scary admitting to your parents that you're struggling, I know from experience.

As much as it may feel frustrating, only they can decide whether or not to take their medication. There may be many reasons why they've stopped, but at the end of the day, it is important to remember that it is their decision.

I hope this can help ease your mind a little. Please don't stop reaching out if you need support, we're here for you.

SB

[JustWantToHelp]

Just wanted to thank everyone for your responses and your support; it's much appreciated. I'm pleased to say there has been some progress, albeit minor. I guess you have to start somewhere though. I'll definitely take everyone's suggestions on board - you've all provided some fabulous advice and some points that I need to think on more deeply. At the end of the day, I realise that I can't force anything to happen. I can only be there to support and encourage, and to let them know that they're loved unconditionally, which I'll certainly continue doing.

[sbella02]

JustWanttoHelp,

Glad that our advice can resonate with you. Healing is rarely linear, and it may take baby steps. Progress may also feel like it's going backwards at times, but it doesn't mean we should give up. Persistence is important when it comes to offering support.

SB