desperate for advice to help my son and d-in-l

[guest155]

My beautiful daughter in law has been struggling with depressionfor some time, I didn't know how bad it was. She had never really said anything. My son had never told me. She's a very private person - her own words.

Just last month she suffered a miscarriage - the final push off the cliff.

She has shut down. She screamed that no-one sees her, she's invisible. No-one cares, no-one listened when she called out for hlep. My son is shattered too and guilt ridden that he let it go so far.

How can I help ? She doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to look at me right now. We had him take her to hospiatl last night, I was really frightened for her, she wouldn't stay, but they promised to follow up with doctors etc.

I can't sleep, I can't think, I just want to make it better. He is so afraid she will just walk out and disappear because he has let her down. She is so angry with him for telling us about the miscarriage. He was supposed to keep it secret.

I would have suported her through that dreaful loss, I'm sure that would have been better ?

I don't know any more. I just don't know. I 'm drowning here.

And my son needs me too, I can't not be there for him even if she doesn't want  to see me I have to see him.

It can't be hopeless.

thanks

magicmum

[Jacko777]

Hi magicmum,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I hope you can get some advice and support to help you through this. Personally I think it could be good to get some professional advice on how to approach this, perhaps you or your son could ring the BB phone service and tell them what's going on.

I would like to think if you were to visit her and your son and start with big hugs that she would appreciate your care, however she might not?? No doubt it is a frustrating and confusing time for all of you and I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Obviously it is really important that she has appropriate care right now, especially considering her condition of depression.

I guess you have to try and trust that her doctor/s will follow up and ensure that she is cared for and taking appropriate measures for recovery. I can fully understand that your son would want to talk to you about these events, maybe you can do this without her knowing for a while, of course it's not something you want to hide. If I were you I would go and see them, but I am not sure what reaction from her this might create. 

Jack

[guest155]

We waited for him all through the hospital experience andafer they came out Iasked if I could hug her and she shook her head - wouldn't even look at me. He says she is too angry. He thought she had at least stopped being angry with him.

I have to pray that the people the nurse said would call them within 48 hours will do so, I don't know how long he can hang on with his fingernails without support. He knows we are here, and will come in a heartbeat if he calls.

I feel so helpless, I feel that I let her down so badly and that she may not let me back into her heart again. But mostly I feel formy son right now, he is suffering too and I need to hold him but I can't go there. I have to respect his wishes to just leave them be for a bit.

I spoke with a BB counsellor this morning - she said give them space, time to absorb what has happened. Maybe the hospital trip will jolt my d-in-l into knowing people want to help no matter what she thinks.

I will keep in contact with him from a distance, keep on providing info about support and places where they get help.

Thanks for the backup, the pain is unbearable.

magicmum

[Jacko777]

Hang in there magicmum, you have done all the right things and whilst it might be hard right now try to look into the near future where this should be better.

I am glad you rang BB and I hope your son is aware of this service. If he is getting advice from her doctors hopefully things should improve for him, that's the plan.

I can understand you feel helpless, we want to help our sons and daughters all we can but as adults they are faced with challenges and have to find solutions for themselves, just like we did. Love to you all, talk any time.

Jack

[guest155]

Thanks for the reassurance, it helps.

I'm anxious this morning, really teary. Spoke to my son last night. He says they're ok, just leave them alone for a bit until they are ready to engage with us again. Same as others have said so I will follow that lead. The one thing that really bothers me is that he is taking all the blame - there shouldn't be blame, there's no fault here, it's an illness, but he is blaming himself for not helping her, blaming himself for everything that has happened. And she is feeding on that, letting him do it. I guess it makes her feel better, to be able to blame someone ?

And that will make me angry, and I have to not let that happen.

 Oh dear, tears just won't stop today.

I will keep on working on myself. I just want to hug him.

He's my baby, he needs me.

magicmum

[guest155]

He's messaged me again today - he says that she tells me she can't trust him any more because he told people about her, that he's afraid she will never trust him again, it;s all his fault for not helping her, he's totally blaming himself for all the problems. He will be in the same dark place himself in a moment if he's not careful.

I want to tell her he's the best chance she's got of making it through this, she's lucky he's stuck ot out with her through everything ON THEIR OWN with no other support. Many men would have crumbled before now. She's dragging him into her paranoia. She reckoned that because one of the nurses at the hospital knew me (our town is quite small) that she will have told me everything about the case and all that went on ! I had some work convincing him that professionals have ethics and that just doesn't happen. 

Oh dear, I do hope they get some help soon.

I really appreciate this website, I can't manage by myself.

magicmum

[Jacko777]

Hi magicmum,

I think you can rely on your son to know his own limitations, I think he will protect himself before it gets too much for him. It is a tough situation and all you can do is take one day at a time and of course we hope for some recovery.

I think you gave him the tools to deal with this many many years ago. The blame game is something that they will have to work through over the coming days and weeks, these reactions are possibly to be expected unfortunately.

So is your son getting psychological support from her doctors? As I said before, he could ring BB, they could help him a lot right now. I wish I had more to offer myself, it is a difficult situation and I pray for a positive outcome, each day will see some changes, hopefully for the better. Hang in there mate, I'll be thinking of you.

Jack

[LouiseR]

Hi magicmum

It sounds like you're all suffering. It's very hard not to just dive in and take over as a Mum. It's what we are wired to do.

I'm in a similar situation to your son, dealing with a severely depressed husband and my mother has been an immense help to me. She finds it hard at times watching me in pain as well. The things you are feeling are very normal. 

Keep doing what you're doing. Follow their lead and allow them the space to work on how best to manage their situation. As long as you stay in touch and make sure they know you're there if they need you, once the intensity of what they are both feeling right now settles down in time I'm sure that your support will be crucial and welcomed.

Take some deep breaths and take care of yourself. 

Lou 

[trustlife]

Hi magicmum (love the name),

I just joined this forum and read with interest your concerns. It is a stressful time for you, your son and of course your daughter-in-law. I suspect the past sentence of your first post probably says it all. "It can't be hopeless", spot on.

My own daughter miscarried her first child and this was a few years after we tragically lost our little son (her brother). This pregnancy was to be the answer to everything. Yes devastation can cause people to re-act completely out of character. I know it's a bit of a cliché but time is really your best healer here. Try not to let her disappointment or your sons confusion get to you.

Imagine what it'll be like when she does go full term and she's bouncing your little grandchild on her lap. All this pain now will seem like a tired old fog that's just been melted by a warm summer breeze.

My daughter did shortly have a baby girl and believe me the joy in the family was incredible. So hope is the key, visualise your D-I-L going full term and see the smile on your son's proud face. You will feel better immediately (that's the best part of pure hope).

Mike