Depressed husband

[Guest_17311433]

I am struggling with my husbands depression. We have been together for 13 years and have a 3 and 5 year old and they are very headstrong and difficult but also polite, smart amazing kids.my husbands depression started when our first child was born 5 years ago and refuses to get any help, but I feel I can't cope with the burden of it anymore. I  have tried alot to help him over the years like booking him a gp appointment, couples counselling, encouraging him to go on trips with his friends, doing things he enjoys and picking up the slack with the house work, sorting bills and responsibilities for the kids. Recently he has been getting really angry at me and the kids over small things he yells and slams or throws things. I don't think he would intentionally hurt me or the kids but his anger is explosive and random so I feel I'm walking on egg shells so I don't upset him. He has no intrest in his kids or anything and blames his mood on me and the kids all the time he rarely takes responsibility for his moods or actions. I haven't told his family as iv felt it's my fault or burden to carry. I'm really resentful as I'm drowning in all the house work, kids and stress of it all. What should I do? I don't think I can give him anymore support without sacrificing my own mental health but I care for him and want him to get better for himself and our kids. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry as to what you are enduring. 

Having any serious mental illness is one thing but not trying to at least contribute towards a household especially when there are children is putting it all on his spouse and that I can say with lots of experience, will come to a head one day. It appears that event is fast approaching.

He still needs to try and be responsible for a good portion of the chores. Motivation can ebb and flow so some flexibility from you in terms of when he puts in an effort is needed. For him to put out the rubbish would be easier in the evening rather than the mornings for example.

I would suggest that you both return to his GP and make plans to getting 10 free visits to a mental health professional. Early on in those visits you could open up as to your scepticism with how the marriage can survive so he takes it all seriously and is aware more of your well being instead of centring around his own all the time. 

You could investigate easier ways to make meals. I'm the cook in our home and this has been one of my ideas I've pursued (if you havent already). eg some evenings I cook easy meals, last night I made a healthy zucchini slice but added corn and peas... the rest of the recipe was eggs, cheese both cheddar and parmesan, 4 zucchini's, self raising flour and spring onions. We make our own pizzas and so on. During the daytime ther eis no reason why he cant precook a meal himself. If he lived alone he would have to do this anyway. The big meal nights include roast dinners. As for other chores its a good age for the little ones to learn to sort out their own socks and underwear from a basket of dried clothes. That is also a task he could do with the children.  I met a 14yo boy, son of an ex partner and even when we separated 10 years later she was still washing, ironing and putting away his clothes!! I'm sure you are doing a great job but we all can do with some reminding that we have limits with chores.

Unfortunately some with depression and other issues fall into a trap that even when they improve they dont suddenly take up the responsibilities that have been taken off them, this means nothing improves and you get worn out. I had this occur to me, I didnt know I had bipolar and under the autism spectrum during my first marriage but for 11 years and 2 kids my wife was extremely lazy. In the end I worked 3 jobs and did most of the housework including bathing and changing the kids nappies. At the end of 11 years I had a major breakdown and made an attempt on my life. There was nothing I could do, I had organised a doctor to a house visit at 3pm and we sat around the table with my wife still in her dressing gown. Tests were conducted and the Dr informed me it was "an acute form of laziness". I didnt feel loved and more importantly, no consideration for my health. We have limits. 

So, this is the period when to give it your best try for the kids sake as well, try the 10 free visits and reassess. 

I wish you well and you can reply to posts here anytime. We are notified when we log on that you have reposted and then we can answer. Take care.

TonyWK

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life. I wish I was there with you, able to sit down over a coffee or two, encouraging a really good vent as you try to make sense of the way forward.

I think sometimes we can end up drowning somewhat as we help keep our partner's head above water. Kind of like 'You can stand on my shoulders so that you don't drown'. Then you can come to realise 'Hang on a sec, I'm spending a lot of my life under water and it's suffocating'. In this case, it's so important to begin breathing life into our self in certain ways and maybe even in new ways. When a breath of fresh air happens, the thought can become 'Oh my goodness, I'd actually forgotten what it's like to really live because I'd gotten so used to drowning'. As Tony pointed to, you can only do drowning for so long until it becomes impossible to live with.

I've found 'tough love' is especially tough when we don't know how to do it. While there can be a gentle loving kind of guidance, there can also be a commanding or demanding form of loving guidance and then there can be a mix of the 2. When I think of my husband, I've tried all 3 kinds of guidance. While he's not obviously depressed, he lives a depressing kind of life that (in time) he'll come to feel. From my own experience with depression over the years, I've found you don't always feel yourself in a depression until you're deep enough into it. I think my 'tough love' approach came about more so through intolerance than anything else. It's come to sound like

• 'While it's understandable and natural to feel sorrow for certain elements of our self, such as the adventurer in us or the soulful seeker of new things, you can choose to continue feeling sorry/sorrow for such parts of you (that you feel have died off) or you can work on bringing them back to life. Make your choice but do not bring me down if your choice is to continue doing nothing'
• 'Your job in life is to become more reasonable (reason able), not sit with a lack of reason in regard to what you experience. If you refuse to wonder, if you refuse to find reason, do not make your lack of reasoning and wonder my problem. If your challenge involves you opening your mind and you refuse to, do not bring me down through this choice of yours'
• 'Do not expect me to take full responsibility for your emotions. While I've always had a desire to help you make sense of your emotions and how you feel or experience them, if you refuse to put in the same amount of work (in the way of greater self understanding) then there's nothing I can do to help you. Ignore your emotions or rise to the challenge, the choice is yours, but do not bring me down if you choose to do nothing'

I won't bore you with more of that. Just want to point out what each have in common, '...do not bring me down...'. There are a number of people on the forums here, Tony and myself included, who have worked hard over the years when it comes to developing greater levels of self understanding while finding ways forward through certain depressing or potentially depressing challenges. Many would say the choice is between 'Do nothing or work hard'. For me personally, I think one of the greatest revelations in my marriage came as 'I cannot tolerate my partner doing nothing in a number of ways'. Btw, I can relate to having 2 headstrong, somewhat difficult, polite, smart, amazing kids. They're the kind of people who raise us. They can be good for the occasional laugh too and they just love to wonder. 😊