BPD son in prison, I’m over it

[Sunflower62]

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for the good advice.
My husband and I already see a counsellor each week and it has been helpful. Some of the things we won’t know until the court case and after and how he copes but we are getting some ideas formulated as best we can from what a few others on other threads commented on. However unfortunately those people don’t paste any more and other people haven’t commented . I was hoping for more interaction like there had between a few of the mothers.
I was hoping sunflower 62 would reply but I might go in search of another thread.

many thanks for your encouragement

Nameless1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, if you type Sunflower62 in the search bar above this will bring her other comments and replies.

Can I ask how you think you'll be able to handle your son when he is released?

Take care.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

I don’t know how we will handle him when he is released. He is in remand and depends whether he still has more sentence It will depend on how he has changed… for the better or worse . He went in with PTSD which caused the problems he went in for. Our doctor empathised the need for looking after ourselves. Last year in COVD it was hard, but we did .. I Will mention this in a bother post as this one is long enough

Not knowing about release and the conditions we started to look up stuff on the internet so we could be realistic of the issues. Also other mums in threads have written a bit… the challenges of getting work, routines, friends, fitting back in the family, living arrangements if he doesn’t want to live at home, and suicide attempts and reoffending have been mentioned too.

We looked up services that offer help and support to released prisoners ..Salvation Army, Prisoner fellowship, Anglicare etc.

We looked up rehab places of he needs that.

we read through the VACRO site and resources pages on suggestions.

Things like setting boundaries for work and money and contributing if he lives at home. How to help

If he needs to live away from home.
However we know he has want to help himself and as well as being guided by him we have to set the boundaries so that things don’t go back to what they were.

All things we have READ about,but what is actually good and works and what will he actually want to do.
Is there a person who will guide us or is it left up to us?

It is overwhelming. We have become stronger and more resilient, but this is another major step and still more overwhelming as we have never dealt with this before: We know it can start out well and fall in a heap. Mental health was a problem before sow what will he be like now? and
how will he judge what we have and haven’t done?

We need help but the privacy issues are hard … though here I am spitting it all out here … so I hope it is private!!

We did ask if he has done any courses to prepare him and he said they are mainly for sentences people.
We know we shouldn’t worry and try not …except for a little bit of the day so we can talk through things. However we love him and he is in our thoughts all day .. because he is and we miss the him.

thanks again

Nameless1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, it must be very difficult for you to express your concerns because I'm sure they would be a worry for you, and it doesn't matter how resilient you feel you have become, it's a completely different situation, now, while he's still locked up to when he's released because the dynamics can change considerably, especially for you and your husband who have to talk with him, face to face, wondering whether what you say is going to help him or not.

I know you have said you love him and that's lovely and really hope this is also reciprocated, but now, unfortunately, you are caught between believing what he tells you and what the court findings have indicated, but he's your son and would undoubtedly understand what he says, I'd be in the same position if I was in your situation, but maybe asking questions to myself or with your husband.

All you can do at this stage is try and direct him into seeking help or joining one of these courses and if I can suggest, and I mean no harm by saying this, so please don't take it that way, all I wanted to say is just be careful about how much money is lent and really hope you want to continue this conversation.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

Of course I want to continue this conversation. I appreciate any advice and reflection as sometimes as a parent we see our children with rose colour glasses and we need to be more honest with ourselves and not quite so generous. Yes it much easier to plan with him not here. I know from other threads the reality, but that it will be a different story actually experiencing it …,untravelled waters!!
We have already had to deal
with what he said versus evidence ‘… very hard.
You summed it up well “especially for you and your husband who have to talk with him, face to face, wondering whether what you say is going to help him or not.” and I will add.. how he will respond!!
We want to set boundaries but not sure when where and how we address them . Obviously he will have comments and opinions too.
Thanks for the money advice… and please feel free to give more advice on that area if you have experience in that area!!

Thanks again!!

Nameless1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I will get back to you but it may not be straight away, I'm sorry and really pleased you want to keep going.

What he says while he's locked up will be different to what he says once released, and for him to go against the court evidence puts you and your husband in a very difficult position to whether you agree with him, but when it's only you and hubby together, talk about what the court has decided and whether you agree with the decision, makes communication between you and your son so hard to know what to do.

You don't know how he is going to respond when he's with you and when he's left and that's definitely a concerning worry because you are unsure what may happen in the future and if his mental health is going to dominant or his annoyance at being locked up will eventually show, both of these are major worries.

If he wants to take revenge then trying to get him any help with a doctor/psychologist may not prove to be a positive reaction by him.

I know he is your son and please excuse me for saying this, but the law enforcement won't be able to do anything unless he actually does it, hopefully, this doesn't happen, however, if he threatens any harm to himself then you can call the police, who will take him to a hospital for his own protection and be prescribed medication, which may help him, but he may be told to continue taking the medication once he's left, that's the difficult part.

With the money, he could tell you reasons why he needs it, which may sound to be genuine, but in fact not the truth, sorry, and if you ask to see any documents, there will be a reason why he doesn't have them.

I feel very sorry for being in this situation and hope to hear back from you.

I'm around early in the morning and that's the best time for me to contact you.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I have replied it's waiting on moderation.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

Heard from lawyer who is speaking with our son tomorrow, as well as forensic psychologist to address what has lead up to this predicament. We speak to the lawyer tomorrow again.

Lawyer also wants a letter of support as hopes to get a CCO for him so busy trying to work out how to write that!!

Also working on a plan for post release whenever it happens .. using all the advice we have here and from VACRO … and a few other organisations . Yours was the most realistic and practical to be honest

many thanks for your replies.

Nameless 1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I was laying in bed last night and suddenly thought of your comments as I'm also thinking about doing this myself, to either put cameras up outside your/my house or an alarm system that is triggered by any movement in the house as there have been some burglaries in my area.

It all depends on how your son feels about VACRO and/or CCO and may go along with their ideas to begin with but then reject them, if for some reason, and I hope this doesn't happen for you and your hubby, because if he is caught doing something he shouldn't be doing again, then 2 to 1 on he is probably guilty when he was first caught, sorry.

I'm not sure whether the legal system is paying for the lawyer or whether you are providing the funds, but if I can suggest that you try not to drain all your retirement funds and if he isn't getting legal aid then perhaps he should be seeking their help, I know how you feel about your son but you have spent a lifetime saving for a comfortable future.

I hope I haven't upset you by saying any of this, I'm only trying to look after you.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

Good idea about the camera!!
Regarding his plea, he decided to plead guilty but due to the lead up to events with different difficult circumstances in his life he agreed to use a forensic psychologist tohelp explain his behaviour and get more help . Don’t know how that will play out either. Not in our hands but there to support him when we can within boundaries. .
Will keep an eye on financial commitment to him. Wise words

thanks again

Nameless1