Bipolar rage - how to deal with husband’s melt-down

[Sapphira]

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a couple of years ago. It has been a journey. Getting meds right, keeping him going to a psych...there are many challenges but mostly things are vastly improved since before diagnosis and medication.
Last night our adult daughter was over and an argument got out of control. He totally lost it. He had been drinking (he doesn’t usually drink more than a couple of wines) and I’m wondering if that was the trigger, combined with his BP meds.
His violent shouting was so full-on and abusive that we are all upset and in shock today. He threw things and also shoved me when I challenged him. I’m angry at him but also know that it’s his brain and the condition. Does anyone have experience with bipolar rage, and how best to handle the aftermath? I think he needs a trip to the psychiatrist ASAP, but we all know how hard it can be to get an appointment. Also wondering if an inpatient stay would help. Does anyone know how I could make that happen? A normal person would ‘just leave’ but instead I would like to use this terrible event to push him to getting more intensive mental health support... I’d like to hear from bipolar carers or maybe people with BP2 on what approaches worked to persuade them to get help when things went bad...

[Sapphira]

Hi Tony, thanks for your very detailed reply. I will take time to read all those threads, continuing to learn as much as I can.
The term BP rage comes from of the reading I have done, particularly of Julie Fast who is a BP sufferer herself and who writes really well about the disorder https://www.bphope.com/breaking-the-bipolar-rage-cycle/
As for acceptance, you are right, it does seem to take a long time to accept. To clarify, I have lived with it, undiagnosed, for maybe 30 years, so please don’t think I am new to living with someone with BP. The diagnosis was a shock, but maybe a relief too. I feel like I went through a long period of grieving and wishing I’d had the knowledge and support of medical practitioners long ago. Family too. His family is overseas, and so I have had zero support from them, when they could have given me insights. Anyway, I know that BP can also be a superpower and the intense energy has allowed my husband to achieve some wonderful things. In your posts you assume that I mentioned BP or inpatient to my husband. Not at all!! I walk on eggshells with him. I never mention the disorder, or say he did something because of BP or use that as any sort of criticism. I know he is very sensitive about it. In fact, I can see he just wants to take his pills and assume everything’s ok. When I mentioned inpatient it was not to threaten him with it. I was thinking a private hospital with a chance for personalised therapy - and timeout to learn a bit about what’s going on. When I posted it was not at all about trying to make life hard for him - rather it was me trying to seek ideas for how to support someone who is in meltdown. It was really like a total brain snap. Yes, my daughter was arguing about our dogs with him, but his response was so over the top and hurtful to everyone that I am bewildered, upset, worried, angry... you name it. So I am looking for solutions. He doesn’t want to talk about it. To me. an event like this is a chance to reach out and get help to improve things. I can’t do it alone anymore. I’ve been holding things together for a long time, covering things up so he can function well. But the toll is starting to be too much. I want to find some kind of (group?) therapy setting that is BP specific that we can both go to, to enable us both to talk about this condition instead of pretending everything is fine, or him trying to find ways to make it my fault. Not easy. Again, thanks for your insights, and those of quirky too.

[white knight]

Hi again,

Thankyou so much for clarifying. Yes, the written word can easily get misconstrued.

I think you overall have the right attitude, so many font hence my reaction to some if your thought about inpatient stuff but that's cleared up.

Often I advise members to seek out an appropriate therapist with knowledge of MI and if he doesn't want to go, then attend yourself. That allows you one last effort to save your marriage. If he asks what happened at the therapist- don't tell him. If he asks why you are attending say "in trying to save our marriage". If that doesn't spark him into wanting to go then it's a test he failed as a caring spouse and you'll know more clearly what you have to do.

Can I say that my wife often says to me that living with a bipolar person is very hard but she says she's lucky because it is offset by compassion, romance, consideration and insight.

Perhaps if none of that was in existence and life was one big ordeal with no positives then my life would not be deserving of a partner.

I encourage you to continue chatting to me, quirky and any other contributors as the need arises.

TonyWK

[Cloud79]

Hi Sapphire,

I haven’t been with my husband as long as you (8 years for us) but he was diagnosed with bp2 a couple of years back too. I know that everyone is different as far as how they cycle and the ups and down and personality but from one career to another all I wanted to do is send you a big hug.
I don’t know why but as I write this I’m tearing up. I’ve been doing this for all this time on my own and I guess this is the first time I’ve felt I’m not alone. Thank you

[LibbyD]

Hi Sapphira,

I was diagnosed with BP2 about 5 years ago. Prior to that, I had many angry outbursts, bordering on rage. It put a great strain on my relationship with my husband and other family members.  It took me a long while to admit that my angry outbursts were due to my BPD. My husband wanted me to go see a psychiatrist however I was reluctant to as I had come to the realisation that it was due to my BPD. It's having that insight, together with working out the best dose of medication, that has helped me manage this anger. When I look back at how I totally lost it with my husband, sister and sister in law, it makes me so upset. I do have the occasional angry outburst however it is infrequent and I can recognise where I am heading if I keep it up. It takes a lot of hard work, however I am getting there. I suppose the key turning point for me was the acknowledgement that I had a real problem with anger. I do hope that your husband is able to get to that stage.