Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

[Carmela]

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources.

1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out.

2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands.

3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health.

4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide.

5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness.

6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push.

7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies.

8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others.

9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back.

10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in.

11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities.

12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience.

[Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

[TayW]

My husband has depression & anxiety. He is also an alcoholic & can struggle with anger at times. At the end of last year thing escalated to the point of him cheating on me, hurting himself, us separating & eventually him getting help in the form of anti depressants. He did stop drinking for awhile but its getting worse again. He has changed jobs which has him under a lot of stress as he feels he isn't learning the new job fast enough & thinks that his workmates are judging him (these are people he has known for years & went to school with). He comes home every night so crippled from the stress & generally mopey. He's to the point now where he won't eat if I don't make him. He won't shower if I don't make him & he often falls asleep on the couch both from exhaustion & drinking. I think the extra pressure he is putting on himself is making him so tired & he isn't sleeping well at night. The problem for me is I'm a SAHM to 2 young kids & it now feels like I have another kid to look after when he comes home. He isn't as bad as he used to be anger wise but he is just so sad all the time to the point that I don't like being around him alot of the time, which upsets me because I miss the way things used to be. I'm getting him to try counselling now but if that doesn't help I'm not sure how I can keep going forward with him. I desperately want to support him but I don't know what to do when he doesn't want help. I'm not really sure what the point of this was, just needed to vent. Thanks 🙂

[ClaireMo]

Hi

My name is Claire. My husband suffers from depression and anxiety. He uses alcohol to soothe himself. I can feel when he starts being anxious (often triggered by work), he will then start an argument about nothing, blame me, will start drinking (often more than 1 bottle), then at the start he would try to hurt me by ignoring me and pushing me away but I know I just ignore him. I do love my husband but it is draining as I never know how the mood will be when I wake up. I am trying self - care by spending time with my horses but evenings are tough. It has been like that for the 4 years we have been together. I am better at ignoring because I know his pattern of behaviour but what is the point if he is not willing to change or seek help? When he is feeling good, we can talk about it and he says he doesn't want to feel like that but he never does anything about it. I do love my husband and he is an amazing man when he is feeling good but it is so unpredictable.

[Firework4]

My husband of 12 years has struggled with depression and anxiety on and off his whole life - was only diagnosed officially about 5 years ago. He's struggled with keeping jobs; a mixture of finding work that he enjoys and fulfils him or his mental health effecting his work.

He found a job he enjoyed with people he enjoyed working with and was in that role for almost 3 years. I was doing well in my career and had an opportunity to accept a promotion that required us moving from CBD to a remote town, 650K away. Hubby has always been very supportive of my career and we've often talked about relocating so we packed up and I accepted the position. His company weren't able to transfer him to our new location and he took a job in a similar role with a different company.

The new company he worked for had a toxic environment and was known for going through many people in his role prior to him starting. I could see this work place was not for him as his mental health was declining so I supported him in looking for other work. As COVID conditions were changing quickly and he was on probation, he was told his position was no longer required and was out of work.

This took a major toll on hubby's mental health. He connected with a local GP who didn't seem to understand much about mental health but had no other face to face options being remote. He was put on anti-depressants which he hadn't been on in years due to ineffectiveness. He's gone through two different types of medication and increased levels to try and find what "works".

He's currently still unemployed and is in the process to receive payment from his income protection policy. Due to my promotion, I'm financially able to support us both at a comfortable level and am not pressuring him to look for work at this stage. What I'm struggling with is responding to people (work colleagues, family, friends) who make comments that he should still work although he's depressed and should be job searching and not living off me. Few are aware of what's happened but for those who don't, I don't want to disclose as it's none of their business but don't know what to say.

Can anyone relate in a similar position and give some guidance on how they handle these comments?(apologies for use name, I can't seem to amend from an old profile from years ago!)

[Karly_M_99]

Thank you for this post! I am in this situation and scrambling for where to even start. It feels like it’s been a long road already, but I guess there is more to come.

[Lemon Zest]

Hi. Apologies in advance for the novel. I have reached a point where I am no longer sure if I can stay in the relationship I am in. I spent 20 years supporting a depressed partner, who left 8 years ago, as he could no longer cope with the demands of dealing with our 3 young children. 2 of them are autistic. I started a new relationship, only to find 2 years in that I am again supporting a partner with mental health issues while looking after a teenage family with enough issues of their own. I have been in this relationship for 6 years now, providing support to my boyfriend. He now has been diagnosed with bipolar and For the last 3 years has been getting help for major depressive disorder. He also has chronic pain due to a back injury and I have nursed him through open heart surgery and a major hernia surgery. He is able to very little for himself. I have drawn the line at him living with me, to save my own sanity, but he often sleeps at my home because he can’t be alone. He has all his meals at my home as he can’t shop or cook for himself. I do all of his laundry, provide a home for his dog, who he can’t motivate himself to look after and refuses to get rid of. (I have 2 dogs of my own who don’t get on with his and it’s causing huge problems) I attend all of his medical appointments as he has difficulty retaining information. I have his 2 teenage daughters at my house so that he can spend time with them, as he can’t cope with them on his own. I have for years in the past helped him run his small business, but have stepped back. There has been no intimacy at all since the depression hit. I care deeply for him and if I ever needed anything financially he would bend over backwards to provide it, though I don’t often ask him for money, even for groceries etc. He adores my kids and accepts them despite their issues and behaviours and they love him. But I am really struggling. I feel like I am just a carer. I have no social support, as being a mum 2 special needs kids has been very isolating. I have no family anywhere close. He has no family or friends either. I feel really selfish for pushing him to pick up after himself and care for his dog or help with his kids when they are here. I know how much he struggles just to get out of bed. I know he doesn’t need to hear me complaining about how much I’m struggling with carrying everything, for everyone around me. But I just can’t do it all. How do people balance so much and still maintain their own space and sanity?

[Wife_Lil]

I am appreciating what you have posted because I am in a very similar situation with my husband. I have a few supportive friends, but careful not to involve others, as I have been burnt by oversharing, it can spoil friendships. I find choosing the right people to communicate is vital. Having family close or not, I have been in that situation having shifted 12 times in 15 years. I find, sometimes having mine or husbands family close hasn't really helped. I have had friends wonder why I have stayed with my husband, and family really feeling sorry for me. Love is a strong thing, it is hard to know why we pick the partners we do, but marriage is through the good and the bad, and we have had our share. The more I have suggested, talked, pushed or complained, it hasn't helped. He knows what I say. I am training myself to not try to offer suggestions, because I find my husband isn't listening to my advice. In fact, I guess he feels there is no point in repeating myself. I am fortunate because my husband is getting out of bed still, even if it's me, knocking on his door, making him the coffee. I have decided, that if we are to stay together, I need to allow him to live exactly as he chooses, and for myself to continue on as though he will work it out for himself. Certainly treating him as though he can't make a decision, or giving him directions, hasn't worked. My idea for you, and it is only my idea, is to perhaps have a meeting with the kids, and talk to them about what makes them happy, bring laughter and fun in when you can. Don't expect anything from him for a couple of weeks, take your foot off the pedal, and just glide. You all love each other, that's the key. So why not try to just let him ride it out, and carry on. I have started sketching, going out for a coffee with a friend, going for walks by myself. I no longer expect my husband to do any of it. In fact, playing the opposite game, is working better. It takes the pressure of him to perform tasks I want him to perform. After all it is all about him. I have shifted my focus to myself, and let go of trying to suggest or solve. I am finding myself, and mentally, letting him go. I treat my life as though I am single and he isn't there, and then I am there for him, and love him. I no longer search for the man I had in my life at first, I am just holding space for him to return.

[Wife_Lil]

You are already helping him, because you love him despite of your circumstances. Everyone has their way of coping with stress, but it is simply, the way we choose that adds or takes from our lives. Unfortunately, the alcohol is his method to relax and cope. I feel, this is the main topic in your conversation.

[quirkywords]

I want to welcome everyoneto this thread who has posted here this year or who has posted here for the first time. This thread is an older one so it is not looked at frequently.

If anyone wants support they can start a new thread or maybe look at other threads in the supporting family and friend with a mental health condition.(carers)

The first post has many helpful suggestions.

[Sweesoft]

Thank you for this thread. It's a very challenging role to have a partner dealing with depression. The relationship will surely suffer.

[Bonnie B]

I too am struggling with a husband of over 40 years who is living (is that what it is ??) with chronic depression. I too have tried to support him in whatever way I can think of. I have found that, just like in another thread, I have just given up on expecting anything from him and just do what I can myself. This morning though, I lost it completely and shouted at him!! I rarely shout and this did stop him in his tracks. This morning I needed him to help me do something that I physically couldn't manage and when I asked (ever so politely) I was met with the usual never ending grumbling, sour looks and negativity. I know he isn't feeling well physically or emotionally, I understand that but ... gee whizz ... every now and then I'd like some support myself. I feel like I am doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship and he just "checks out" when things get a bit complicated, or even if it's not complicated, and it's just every day living. Honestly, a lot of the time it's like living with the sphinx!! I walk on egg shells around him when things are particularly bad but to be honest I am really sick of it!!!!! Years ago I suggested (numerous times) counselling for us both either individually or as a couple, but was met with "what good is talking going to do"!! So I went along to counselling myself and found it really beneficial, but I know it would have been more effective if we had gone together. He has accused me of being "too needy" and that I take things too personally. You know what? I probably am both of those things, he is probably right, but when your emotional needs and support are not being met then I guess that does turn you into a needy person.