will it ever get better

[Tia12]

I'm sick of feeling depressed, people not understanding esp at work. I'm sick of this shitty life and feeling like I haven't achieved enough or I'm not good enough. I don't know what direction to head into. I've been gradually getting worse for the past year. Four years ago I was removed from one work area to another. I got talked into it and have regretted ever since.  Now I'm stuck in customer service - an area I hate and which brings back bad memories from 20 years ago. In late 2021 I was given another task which means dealing with even more difficult customers.  I then had a car accident last year in which someone passed away (not my fault). Ever since then I find I can't cope as well. I have sent about 2-3 emails to my manager saying how i don't fit in, there is no support, I hate my job and I regretted moving - usually when I'm at my lowest and feeling suicidal. Nothing gets done. The last time HR was called in - nothing done again. They don't want to accept any responsibility for putting me in this situation. I was told not to send any more emails or speak about how I feel to my supervisor, that I'm stressing everyone out and I'm too hard on everyone (this was the first time I heard of this). They just want to blame me. I'm stuck as I don't have the mental strength right now to find a job elsewhere. I also don't know what to do with my life. Last week they advertised another position at a higher level in my area. I decided after trying to motivate myself, I will apply for the job as I think I could exceed in the role. However, when I asked my supervisor if she could be my referee, instead of being supportive she questioned why I would want to apply. It felt so obvious that she would want anyone else in the job except me. She ended the conversation by saying that everyone is welcomed to apply. All day I was building myself up to write the selection criteria. I actually thought my supervisor would have expected me to apply. It was a shock that she felt differently. Work insisted I see a psychologist which has made me financially worse off. I have been spending/shopping far too much in the last year just to make me feel better but now I feel even more depressed. I really am struggling how to get out of this as I'm feeling even more depressed and suicidal. I was first diagnosed when I was 20 and I've had this for 30 years. I'm over it and I think everyone else around me has had enough too. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Tia12

Thank you for writing such a personal post about your struggles with work, and how it has been having such a negative impact on you. We are a very supportive community, and we are pleased you've chosen us to help.

We are pleased that you are under the care of psychological support, though we understand how expensive this can become.

Feeling suicidal is a struggle. Whenever these feelings become really strong and you feel like you have to harm yourself, this is an emergency, and you need to call 000, or take yourself immediately to your nearest hospital emergency room so you can keep yourself safe.

If you wish to have a short discussion, at any time day or night, with a mental health professional (between your psychological appointments), please ring our support service on 1300 22 4636, or connect with our Beyond Blue Online Chat. You may also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via their site Lifeline.

We look forward to reading the wonderful advice and support that should be coming from our fabulous community as they find your thread.

Warm regards,

Sophie M
 

[therising]

HI Tia12

It's deeply upsetting to hear how so many people in your life are impacting your mental health, including a number of complaining customers. You manage a job I personally just couldn't manage. At 22 (I'm now 52) I decided I just couldn't work with the public, which is why I've gravitated toward the private sector most of my life. While certain members of the public are beautiful, quite a number are angering, anxiety inducing/stressful and depressing. In my mind, working with 'difficult customers' would be too triggering. If we're feelers (the kind of people who feel so much) spending a good part of the day feeling people's anger isn't healthy, especially long term. We can be left holding so much anger. It's upsetting to hear how unsupportive your supervisor is. Wondering if she mentioned her reason for not supporting you in the way you would have liked. If it's not too late, apply for that other position. Nothing to lose. You could be honest in your application letter with something like 'While having worked in customer complaints is a challenge I have risen to, one that has developed me in many ways, I am now seeking a position which inspires me. The position of _____ is one that not only holds a positive sense of inspiration but also offers me the opportunity to work as a team player in a highly constructive setting...'. If there happens to be any mention of an inability to cope in your current position (from your supervisor), you've already indicated a personal need for a more positive environment.

Shopping for joy, happiness, satisfaction, inspiration and more is completely understandable. Shopping to feel a positive difference can definitely become expensive. Shopping out of sheer wonder gets expensive too, 'I wonder if this will make some difference to me' or 'I wonder if that will change my life in some way, even if it's a bit'. The problem still remains, the thing or things that bring us down.

Wondering if anyone has helped you make sense of the car accident and how it's impacted you. Such an incredibly shocking experience. While it would involve a mental perspective and a physical or emotional one, I imagine it to have a kind of soulful one too - how to connect to life beyond such an experience. Such an event changes a person. How to manage the changes and make sense of them is so important.