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Idle ponderings - no suicide attempts
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I spent most of my life, up to the age of 52, wanting my existence to end. I still believe that I never went though with a suicide attempt because of my fear of failure. I've done a mental health first aid course and know that I'm supposed to avoid using words like "failure" and "success", but that's how I think of it (sorry). Now to my pondering or thinking out loud. I wonder whether the severity of my depression actually saved me? That is, I was so depressed that success seemed like an impossible outcome - I'd find a way to screw up my plan(s) somehow. Did my not taking action increase my depression and make suicide seem even more impossible to me? Was this one of my mind's ways of protecting me? Thank you, mind.
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hello. It is an interesting question (or questions) you raise in your post and one that is very difficult to answer. Yet I also wonder, at least based on the title, and the how the post ended, whether it was more of a reflection. I guess a couple of things to say are ... (1) we each have our own stories or ways of coping and getting through the days and (2) glad you are here and I can read your post.
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Hi Trans22
Wonder is such a fascinating thing. Often indicating an open mind or a mind that's opening, wonder invites a lot of questioning. A lot of questioning indicates a quest. The quest to understand our self better in a number of ways (how we think, why we think and behave the way we do, where the thinking and behaviour originates from etc) also invites a degree of philosophy in regard to human nature with our own nature included.
With internal dialogue being such a major factor in depression, I like to analyse the hell out of the English language. Analysing the hell out of it can invite a more divine understanding at times, I suppose you could say. 'Failure' and 'success', while simply being words, are impacting in different way depending on perspective. While 'failing' sounds negative, simply saying 'I am failing to understand or detect why I feel so deeply about this situation' becomes a simple observation. It indicates there is a need to know, a need to detect the answer or solution. Failing to detect can indicate we're on the wrong path or the clues just aren't obvious enough or we need more skills in becoming a good detective. If you're trying to detect clues, answers or solutions, technically this makes you a detective.
Would you say you're part wonderer, part questioner/pioneer (on a quest), part philosopher and part detective? There are so many facets to who we are. I've found each facet comes to life through both challenge and need.
I'm a strong believer in the importance of philosophy and it becoming a part of mainstream education in schools. Imagine if we were all led to ask questions together, we would not feel so alone when coming to face 'Why am I here? What is the point to life? Why do I suffer so much? What do I need in order to know my purpose?' etc.
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The answers don't really matter, but I see "yes" as a plausible answer to all my questions. All that really matters is that I'm finally "living" life rather than merely existing.