Trudging Along - Passive Suicidal Ideations, even after evaluation

[AmanitaRobot]

I have been struggling for a few years now, but over the past year i have developed depression and anxiety. Been seeing a therapist and talking to my GP. Over the past 6 months I have been experiencing passive suicidal ideations. Passive suicidal ideations being me not wanting to live but not wanting to take action. They have been progressively becoming more severe.

I struggle with symmetry and cleansliness ocd, and i have certain schemas that cause me to always focus on the past and future, and how my decisions will affect my oppourtunities. I always overthink every decision, i also focus on the bad parts of every situation, which can me feel bad even when things are going okay overall.

There do seem to good times but when i am in a bad headspace or something the feelings are so strong. You may be wondering what i mean in the title by "even after evaluation". By this, i mean i have hope and expectations for a better future, but I dont think its worth getting to. Its not uncommon for me to think 'The things i want to experience in life are not worth the things i have to experience to get there'.

In this situation, i am so glad I overthink decisions and fear missing out on oppourtunites, as it keeps me from taking action. But while i dont take action, the feelings i have are so strongly that i dont want to live. Even with me not wanting to take action, i recently walked to a highway and stood there for 10 minutes thinking about if i should lie down on the road.

As a final note, i believe i have no real intentions of taking action.i just dont know how to deal with the things in daily life that make me feel this way.

[Sophie_M]

Dear AmanitaRobot,
Thank you for your contribution to the forums and welcome. Thank you for sharing your experience and reaching out for support.

It sounds incredibly difficult having a constant battle with your mind, although you understand the positives and obstacles associated with these thoughts, it sounds quite challenging.

Please continue to reach out for support. We would also like to highlight that the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 is available as a support to talk about suicidal thoughts if you wanted to reach out to them.

Sophie_M
 

[james1]

Hello AmanitaRobot,

Welcome and it is nice to meet you here.

I'm sad to hear you've been struggling with depression and anxiety over the last year, and more recently with suicidal ideation. I was in a similar mental state about 4-5 years ago, feeling - after evaluation - that there was not much for me in life that was worth the effort of getting to. Like you, I had no desire to do anything and that inaction went both ways. So I understand it can be really hard to just get going in one of the bad times, and can feel like you're just trudging through life.

That all said, I no longer feel that way and I think a lot of it has to do with daily life becoming easier, rather than necessarily my hopes for the future changing. It just seems like less effort than it used to. So I was hoping you may want to talk a little bit more about what are the things in daily life that make you feel like this. I don't want to pry, so please feel free to say as much as you feel comfortable with saying.

James

[therising]

Hi AmanitaRobot

My heart goes out to you as you face the deep challenges that come with reforming yourself.

I'm grateful to have the advantage of looking back at my years in depression, making sense of it (now that I'm out). I believe it's incredibly hard to make sense of our depression while we're in it. With few able to shed light on many of our thoughts, such thoughts can remain incredibly dark. The amount of times I thought 'I can't do this anymore, I don't have the energy to go on' or 'I've had enough' seemed endless. If someone had come along and said to me 'Can you do this 'me' you're doing for much longer? Is not being your natural self exhausting?', perhaps I would have been led to wonder about who I naturally am much sooner. 'Have you had enough of acting how everyone wants you to act? Have you had enough?' perhaps would have led me to wonder why I was acting my way through life. Truth is...I was a people pleaser, always looking to be 'loved' and 'accepted'. I've come along way, having become my natural self. Now, I would easily/naturally say 'If you don't love or accept me it's a you problem. I'm easily lovable and more than acceptable. What's wrong with you?' Yes, I've come a very long way from my old self that 'died off' years ago. It takes a brave person to allow their (old) self to pass away. I found it to be fearful. Who would I be without my identity? I did not want to be nothing or no one. I can recall at one point reaching a courageous agreement, 'Okay, I let go (of my 'self')'. Boy, did I cry. I sobbed like some maniac. It was quite a bizarre experience. The only way I can think to put it: It felt like I died in that moment and was left with an overwhelming sense of grief for my old self. Then everything changed quite dramatically.

I began to think far less. I know that sounds strange. It has actually been said, which I can relate to, we are unfortunately conditioned to think all the time. So much thinking leaves little room for inspiration to naturally come to mind. In the past, if I was fearful, I would have thought 'You can't achieve this. You're too weak'. Now, what inspiration may come to mind, in a moment of fear, 'Can you feel stirrings of courage (solar plexus area)? Can you feel your heart racing? Can you feel your body working up to courage? The only way to rise to courage is through and beyond fear.' Inspiration comes to us without a single thought. It typically comes from out of the blue. When it comes, we feel it.

🙂

[AmanitaRobot]

Well, I can tell you that one contributing factor, the most major, is school. Unfortunately, school being tough is a bit of a cliché at this point - but as you have likely experienced it yourself, I trust that you have somewhat of an understanding. I am nearing the end of high school, mid way through my ATAR. My struggles started to form as school neared ATAR (year 10 was really where I started to struggle, ramping up near the end and at its worst throughout my current ATAR experience). School is extremely difficult on it's own, its kind of designed that way, to prepare you for the 'real world' (to become a tireless, unquestioning worker). Dont get started on the issues with school- but i struggle with ludicrously high expectations of myself, and ive also been conditioned through my years of schooling to see work as a competition and to compare myself to others. A big thing for me is the comparing myself to others. I have skills, i know this, but my school doesnt provide the best opportunity for me

I feel awful and guilty about a lot of things, like not doing work. I feel lazy, even though i can recognise i am in a different circumatance so I'm not the same as everyone else. But a lot of the time, I think I'm an idiot. In school theres not enough of an oppourtunity for showing my skills, as i have skills that dont fit into my schooling right now.

I dont have a lot of trouble recognising the problems, just being able to tackle them. Its really hard when its an amalgamation of a bunch of different issues and sources, and as i get overwhelmed easily I struggle to know where to start and i cant take it in steps, one at a time.

I havent touched this message in a week, because ive found it too stressful to try and express everything to the extent i want, but its better i get something out there. Here are the rest of my dot points that i would have made into 300 word paragraphs each. I may add new comments if i gain the effort i need to explain things more. It would be thousands and thousands of words if i could explain everything about how i am feeling and thinking. While I speak calm, i cannot express how much i am in incredible, excrutiating pain not being able to go into more details. Anyway.



Home life, dad stressed from workplace bullies, brings it home

High expectations of myself

Exams stressful

Relationship issues popping up every now and then

Tips from my therpist and gp, such as taking steps one at a time, are good in theory, but extremely difficult for me in practice

My brother influences me, makes me feel pessimistic about the world

Big one: I hate to miss oppourtunities, i regret past decisions constantly. I will spend hours for days after a minor event. Im talking one of my jokes doesnt go down well

I hate myself even when writing this because I dont feel ive been able to express everything and express the things i have said enough

Im always nervous about my romantic life - even though i feel i am missing something from it rn. I recently texted someone i was interested in. The conversation wasnt anything special. I immediately assume the worst, ive been feeling bad about it ever since, like ill never get any chance with them

All these small dot points are major parts of my life and I hate having to put them into one line

[james1]

Hello AmanitaRobot,

Thanks for responding. I understand there is so much you feel like you could talk about, and it was tricky to just try and get some of it down without being able to speak fully. I hope we can continue to talk and perhaps over time it will be easier as you have more of an opportunity to speak.

I understand school is really tough. You mentioned that it is cliche but I don't think that makes it any less of an important point. The challenges you've mentioned about comparing yourself to others, about having high expectations of yourself, and even just general frustrations about the effectiveness of our schooling method are things that I also experienced, particularly self-criticism. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much we can actively do about that, but in my experience, it can sometimes help to express and develop or practice some of your other non-schooling skills outside of school.

For example, I've always been quite a philosophical thinker and sadly, my school didn't offer philosophy in any way. So I just took to reading lots and just generally debating things with my friends as an outlet, and a way to enjoy what I was interested in, and even to show myself that, yes, I was actually good at that kind of thing. Perhaps there could be other non-school opportunities for you to also express some of your interests and skills.

Otherwise you also mention a big issue being missed opportunities and regretting past decisions. It sounds like you hold onto a lot of that 'negative energy' (I dislike that term, but it's appropriate). I think this is something that happens to a lot of us where we make a 'mistake' in some way, and carry it around with us for a very long time. In many ways, it's quite helpful to think about these things, but personally, I've spent a lot of time since my high school years (I'm now 28) trying to get better at letting things go once I've gotten use out of the error. So, perhaps a way to think about that might be that it's actually a helpful trait to have from the perspective of learning how to do better next time, but there also comes a time when we also need to learn how to let go once we've had a chance to reflect.

Does that resonate at all with you, and what you believe in?

I am not sure exactly how to reassure you that it's okay to feel bad about being unable to express yourself fully, but I did want to say that I understand there's a lot more to you than what you've written, and I hope we can keep talking.

James