Tired.

[hazgyak]

hello. this is my first time on beyond blue. there's no pressure to read this but i feel like i need to put my thoughts into words. i have struggled with suicidal thoughts since i was eleven, i sometimes self harm but i feel like my family will blame themselves if i pass. i have been playing soccer for ten years and initially it made me really happy and was my escape from my thoughts; now it is the reason for them. i am on the trajectory to becoming an established soccer player (i have played for my country and state) but i really don't want to do it anymore. i have expressed to my parents how i don't wish to continue playing but i am constantly tossing it up. my parents have paid for my soccer fees for next year which is $2000 and i feel terrible because i dont want to waste all their money and hard work ($2000 takes months to earn in my family). i dont know why i switch my decision so much. thank you for reading this 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to our forums hazgyak, and thank you for sharing this with us. It’s scary reaching out for help so please know we all appreciate you taking this step.
It sounds like things have been getting tougher for you, and it’s harder to find pleasure in something that used to be really valuable and important to you, like an incredible talent in soccer.
When things start getting this bad, having external help is essential. I have some resources to share with you, but as you mentioned “my country” I don’t know if my Australian links will be of use. Hopefully they can be of value.
 
The first is our Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
Kids Helpline is another phone counselling service. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. 
 
For in person support, Headspace is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including group programs which are a great opportunity to meet people. They also have a group chat on their webpage.
 
And lastly, if things get overwhelming and you need to talk right in that moment, please connect with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 

[yggdrasil]

Hi mate,

Thank you for posting on here! There are lots of people who are happy to read comments, even if it's just to others get things off their chest.

I'm really sorry to hear you struggle with suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self harm. I have had the same struggle since I was about 17, but things can definitely get better and you can gain much more control over these things. I want to echo what Sophie has said - I have used many of the services she recommended and they are all useful. If you ever get into a really dark place you can call Lifeline or Suicide Call Back Service. I have used them both probably a half dozen times in total, and they can really help you through the really tough moments.

It's very relatable that soccer used to provide an escape from your thoughts. Exercise is known to help dramatically with depression, anxiety and low mood. I exercise every day because of this (mostly skating or running.) It sounds like the expectations of others have taken the therapeutic element of sport away though, and that's sad, but a common experience I think.

It sounds like you're still in two minds about continuing with soccer. Is there a way for you to continue but in a lower pressure way? Could you become a coach, referee or volunteer for a youth league perhaps? Or maybe join a casual indoor soccer league? A slight change of direction might help you to keep enjoying a sport you like, but in a setting where the expectations on you are lower or at least different.

Look after yourself mate,

yggdrasil

[tranzcrybe]

I keep thinking of Ash Barty in the early days of her tennis - aware of her reduced enthusiasm (exacerbated by the expectations of a nation), she just left it to take up cricket before returning... and look at her now!
If Ash just kept going to please others, it is likely she would have burned out never to pick up a racquet again.

Sometimes you have to take a stand for yourself; be sympathetic for the confusion of those around you, but trust they will understand it is your life and happiness that counts (and it's all they really want for you anyway).
The fees your parents paid were not wasted - they were an investment in the person which served its purpose for those ten years and it was money well spent. BTW, if you speak up I think they will be refunded before the season starts.

In future, should you resume your sport, paying your way in full or in part should relieve some of the guilt and obligation that has left you feeling conflicted.