The Covert Narcissist is the weak one!!

[SteveAnon]

I have lived through many years of being around a Covert Narcissist.

They nourish the vulnerable (including our OLD selves) with their Narcissistic supply. They control their environment with "stress-driving motivational compliance". Stress is crippling, its incredibly unpleasant, both mentally and physically. When they have you, they can reach you wherever and whenever they want.. Just a text! It can bend you like Darth Vader's evil use of the force.

If you want to understand the full psychologically horror of trying to live with/in a dominance hierarchy of a covert narcissist, watch Ex Machina. "Eve" has most hallmarks - manipulative, intelligent, beautiful, powerful, mirroring, uncanny valley/not human. For 95% of the film she's the victim (literally imprisoned) but the last 5min you discover her core is evil. She's not only been using you the whole time , but leaves you for dead with effortless cruelty.

You're exhausted after watching this film, it's non-stop paranoia and anxiety. And she never directly agrees' the victim!

I understand its childhood abuse mental torture - like holding someones head under water..to effect obedience, sick security. A 'false self' is built shielding a fragile, cowering 'true self' core. Decades this early split diverges a highly functional, immaculately crafted public shell which is rewarded by much of what is broken in society. A commensurately tormented 'suffering soul' festers at the core, like the stench of rotten fish.

The psychopath is banished to scour the barren plains of the psyche for the entirety of their existence, their soul like a snarling wolf, addicted to perpetually predating on the weak. Feeding insatiably on the vulnerability and emotional destruction of the innocent lives they can manage to trap around them (Because emotional AB-use literally means it's them that cant function at the rest of us normal humans need to)

They abuse their power to 'twist the fabric of reality', suppress/never deal with hard problems. They can afford to live an avoidance of hard truths and so damn themselves, subconsciously to live and act out their delusion to perpetuity.

My God, Don't go near them and don't agrees them. They are like Chernobyl. Forever Toxic, damaging anyone who goes near them, spewing their insidiously harmful radiation that's entirely invisible - no direct attacks, no evidence, no recourse

Be kind to yourself, come rejoin society, rebuild your being with 'real' humans. We want you not them!

[SteveAnon]

Thanks David - Not the term exactly, but yes the idea of victim sympathy. On reflection you make a point - my sympathyising could explain the anxiety, again it was an execution - public, domineering, no mercy.

I can't disclose my circumstances, but I had confidential line of conversation with the victim and was aware they were OK/could 'move on'. It was less the victim, more me mortified by the deplorable communistic selling-out of a friend after they'd confided in this flying monkey! It was shocking was how viciously the social structure operated and the power of control via the flying monkeys.

I don't feel victim sympathy for those remaining voluntarily nourished and brainwashed. Not only am i prohibited from attempting to explain to them as flying monkeys, but I don't see their cognition capable of complexity of the structure. Without that their only hope is relying on the moral compass of honestly. They have not done this for many many years, I mentioned in earlier posts this is one reason they are firmly brainwashed.

I agree your point we must first be honest internally, but with ourselves is the easy part. Its incredibly difficult/impossible to be honest about structural problems in these toxic dominance hierarchies.

Back to focus on the survivor. Take responsibility to look after yourself which is foremost being kind to yourself.

Get Clean - first of them (no/lowest contact) then of your addictions. Most of your addictions stem from them - a coping mechanism for stress in their dysfunctional environment.

Get yourself a new stable safe space, you only need 3-6 months of existing in a state of 'living clean' to re-gain your mental strength!

Manage your addictions out. You'll be amazed at the speed of progress, de-power some of the below within a month if you hold yourself hard to truth.

Don't drink to relieve stress - this is feeding addiction 'situational craving'! Replace Friday beers with alcohol free ones, or swap it out for lesser evils - sugar/caffinated drinks instead. Drink only on 'the day of rest'.

Get organized enough each morning to throw avocado, tomato, ham and cheese in a wrap(s) to negate a fast food lunch. Remove the facebook app from your phone and carry around a book again. Remove processed sugars from the pantry and replace desert with brazil nuts and dates. Replace news websites with your own private blog/diary, where all the content is good, relevant & documents your progress.

Also, Investigate 'mirroring' as was to ID NPD

[batticus]

Hoping my experience might help some others...

As someone who is 1 month into leaving a covert-narcissist GF of 5 1/2 years, one thing I have learned having had some distance from her now, is that there were so many red flags at the very start of the relationship. She was charming, charismatic, beautiful and caring with me.

But at the same time, she was rude and mean to other people i.e. staff at the airport, waitresses, checkout attendants etc. Another big red flag is when they are always the victim. Right from the beginning I couldn't help but feel sorry for her that she consistently has such bad luck with people. It wasn't the case at all.

She isn't intrinsically a bad person but I spent 5 1/2 years trying to accommodate her demands, her need for control, while trying to assert my own boundaries in the gentlest way I can.... hoping that eventually she'd realise she needs help. That, or hoping I could somehow save her. It didn't work, my own mental health deteriorated to the point where I had suicidal ideation, so leaving the relationship was my only option.

I don't hate her and I actually forgive her for what she put me through, but I have to accept that she is toxic to me. No amount of beauty, kindness etc. is worth it if it's not sincere. She wrote me a big letter detailing every single nice thing she did to me.... almost like it was some sort of statement of account. Kindness is only kindness if it's sincere, not to be used against someone later.

It took me years to understand what I was dealing with.

I genuinely wish my ex all the happiness in the world and hope she finds the help she needs.

[SteveAnon]

Batticus thank you for adding to the thread and it is your responsibility to look after yourself first, as you would have bravely achieved.