The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

Went to therapy today, got really triggered spoke about stuff I've never really spoken about before. Now I want to end it. I'm tired of it. I shave art therapy soon. Should probably just go to that and see how I feel. I don't want to fight anymore though. I'm tired. So tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured, 

We're sorry to hear you're dealing with that today, and that you've been having thoughts about ending it. We really encourage you to reach out to talk about these thoughts with our lovely counsellors, if not someone you trust within your existing support.

We're here and we can talk it through with you anytime of day or night. We are also checking in with you privately to offer some more suppor, but you can also reach us directly on 1300 22 4636, or online. If at any point those negative thoughts become overwhelming and you believe you may be at risk, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.

Maybe you could share with us how art therapy has been going for you? Do you think you'll manage to get there today? You've mentioned your art and creativity in the past, and we're always eager to hear about it, as we reckon others on your thread will be. 

Thanks again for sharing what's going on, Centaured, we really appreciate it isn't easy, but we're here and we hear you. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Centaured]

I went to art therapy. We worked on how I was feeling today and stuff. Felt worse and my mental health team got in contact with me and said I had to go to ED. So I'm there now an absolute mess, wanting to leave. I can't handle this anymore. They won't let me leave though. I'll probably be here til the weekend.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Therapy sounds like it was thoroughly exhausting and upsetting. A little easier to deal with new emotions, on top of all the others, when you've got the right kind of energy. Whole other story when you're already worn down. Was saying this to a friend just yesterday. She's been through the wringer over the past 8 years, after leaving an abusive marriage. She's fed up with on and off debilitating low energy levels, thanks to stuff like struggling as a single parent, severe sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, after effects of covid, mentally reforming herself beyond abuse and so on. Can be a massive struggle to stop that dialogue 'What's the point if it's always going to be this hard'. I imagine you can relate to how she feels.

I think it can be hard for some folk to fully understand how seriously mind altering a depressing lack of energy can be. Not talking about a basic lack or even a serious lack of energy, you know that really depressing lack where there's just nothing left in the tank. Then you sit on the couch and run through a lot of that horrible brutal internal dialogue like 'You're hopeless. You're so lazy. What use are you?!'. It can get so bad, so seriously bad to the point where you just want to cry. Have had those moment where I have at times, after fully convincing myself I'm of no value at all. With a variety of causes for this kind of low energy in the past, one thing I've learned and that's...I can't manage staying in that state. I have to get out of it.

With depression, there tends to be a lot of focus on mindset and understandably so. Of course, there's also focus on chemistry, hence the holy grail type search for the right med. With the energy factor, there's rarely a lot of talk about how to manage that. I hate hearing specialists say 'That's just a part of depression', kinda like saying 'You just gotta accept it'. While the right med may boost it and/or the right diet and amount of exercise etc can ramp it up, how do we function when it's just not there to start with and when what we face feels hopelessly exhausting?

Hoping the art therapy gives you a spark, a bit of a boost. Sometimes a spark here and there can help change how the darkness appears.

[Centaured]

I feel so hopeless today. I don't want to fight anymore. As you mentioned therising there is just nothing in my tank and getting through this situation seems pointless because the next thing will continue to come when I haven't even dealt with the past or the the current situation. I have been suicidal more than half my life, clinically died several times during time and who know how many other suicide attempts Ive had. I have been asked harming all that time too and don't see a different life. This fight isnt worth it. I'm not worth it too.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Dealing with feelings of hopelessness today sounds really difficult, we're sorry to hear that. We can hear you're feeling tired out, and also feeling like you're not worth it. Centaured, you are worth so much, and the fact that you've shared this here and been able to express this and get some support is so powerful. This community is listening, and we're here for you.

We know you might be with the hospital team, or perhaps your mental health team right now, but our Support Service are here for you as well. We're always here so please reach out if you need someone to talk it through with at any point.

Thanks again for sharing this update, Centaured. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Centaured]

I got home from hospital a few days ago, I didn't want to be there.

There's a lot I'm struggling with mentally at the moment and I'm having similar thoughts to what put me in hospital. Sigh. I cant do this.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I hate depression with a passion, I really do. You can try a dozen different ways to try and manage it (trials of meds, talk therapy, trying to reprogram the brain, survival skills/visits to hospital etc) and there just may not be anything obvious in the way that works or could possibly work. It's cruel, how hard people can work for years and years, to the point of pure exhaustion and utter despair. As I may have mentioned before, some of the hardest workers I've met have been those who have worked so hard to manage their mental health, especially those with complex issues like yourself.

It angers me sometimes when I think about all the people we come across who don't give greater consideration to what impacts us. Sometimes I think 'Why can't that person just do their job, in a way that leads me to a simple solution? Why do they have to leave me stressing with stuff like 'Sorry, I can't help you'? On a good day, the stress means little but on a challenging one, a kind of 'straw that broke the camel's back' day, it can lead you to tears. I think, some days it's about all the little things, all those little things that add up. Then you can sit and break down all the little things, every single one of them. It's a breakdown of a depressing nature sometimes. Then you can break down all the ways you try and that's something to be proud of.

Sometimes, I wonder what part of me I feel sorry/sorrow for at times. I think it might be the goer in me perhaps, that part of me that tries so hard. Thinking now, what I would say to that part of me, that at times feels like a bit of an underdog, tolerating other people's 2nd best efforts? If I could say anything, it would have to be 'You try so hard and I love you so much for that'.

I imagine there's a part of you that tries so hard and tolerates so much in the process.

[Centaured]

I am trying so hard tonight but not getting anywhere.

I'm fighting off dissociating into my other personalities because everything is too much rn. Trauma is wreaking havoc through mysystem and we're Struggling.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Did your therapist have a plan for what to do in regard to managing the incredible upset in the last session you faced? Was there any talk about the possibility this could perhaps seriously trigger some of your alters? Was the therapist prepared for this? Do you feel you need to contact them and tell them about the impact the session's having? They need to help you manage what they've triggered.

Have you ever found some of your personalities work well for you, look after you really well in some ways? I imagine not all do. Was reading about a woman who developed the ability to have all of her personalities working together in some way. They were led to leave each other notes (in a journal), so she'd know how each was feeling, what their triggers were (so she could try and manage those triggers), who upset them, what they had in mind, what they'd done while she wasn't present etc. She mentioned how they all got to know each other. She mentioned how, reading over the journal, she'd begun to see how they'd come to develop greater co-operation and respect for each other over time. She was also able to gain knowledge of where lost time had gone, while she wasn't conscious.

Wondering if any past therapies have involved your alters coming to know each other better. I imagine it takes a very careful and specific kind of therapist for such a process, as some of the alters don't know the others exist, which could be upsetting.

I think therapists need to be prepared for what they trigger in a client, making allowances for emergency consults. To be fair, some therapists may not be aware of what they have the ability to trigger. Can recall when I first came out of depression in a depression group therapy session. I came out of it suddenly, within a split second. It was a shocking 'wake up' call that began to rewire my brain at a kind of breakneck speed. One way to describe it is it felt like my old self was suddenly gone and I had no idea who I was anymore. While it was thoroughly liberating and exhilarating (wiping the the depressing slate clean and kind of being 'reborn' I suppose you could say), it began to take a stressful turn. I remember calling the therapist, telling her 'I don't know what's happening to me. Have you ever heard of this happening before?'. I elaborated on how I was feeling only to have her say 'You've called me at 9am on my day off. Sorry, I can't help you'. While this was years ago, I look back at how poorly she handled that.