The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Chris_Tas]

Hi mate.

How are you feeling?

Just on your comment about staff at hospitals, this might make you laugh or at least lighten your mood.

On my last hospital visit I very politely asked for a blanket for my bed, as it didn't have any covering.

Nurse huffed and puffed, returned 5 minutes later and threw the blanket at me which hit me in the head!!!

I just said "thank you".......and she then proceeded to berate me for being a "druggie loser and time waster" in front of about 10 other staff members (I've never done illegal drugs in my life)....hahaha.

I've got thick skin these days so it didn't worry me at all (I actually started laughing which made her even angrier!) but please know you aren't alone in thinking sometimes the care you get isn't always ideal......

Keep going mate, day at a time.

Chris

[therising]

Hi Centaured

If you don't mind me asking, what do you like to photograph and paint? My apologies if you've answered this before. My memory's absolutely shocking at times.

When people speak of meditation, what typically comes to mind is someone sitting with legs crossed, focusing on nothing, while chanting. I think photography and painting are amazing forms of meditation. With photography, it's about meditating on what it is you're trying to capture. If in colour, to meditate on capturing the brilliance of colour may be one thing. If in black and white, to meditate on capturing the way shade and light play with each other is something else. Maybe it's the romantic in me but I love black and white. I find it simply soulful in a way. With painting, there is a freedom to meditate on so much. From real life through to abstract, painting can pull us out of the world around us and into our own. To channel the muse in us who says 'More yellow here' or 'This painting needs to be all over darker, to get greater feeling across', to escape the world for a time, as an artist, can be such a productive form of meditation and self expression and way of venting. Personally, I haven't painted for years. Always vowed I'd get back to it. With writers having writer's block, not sure whether painter's block exists but it's the vibe I get and have had for so long. Perhaps it's time to seriously channel the muse. Was more of an abstract painter myself, painted more so in the way of feeling than anything else. Not sure if you can relate but with feeling your way through a painting, the problem can be it forever feeling like it's not finished. Definitely a frustrating feeling 🙂

Did you experience any progress yesterday with the help of your support coordinator, even if it includes you taking one step closer to your desired outcome?

[Centaured]

So yesterday I actually looked at two properties, with some more to come hopefully next week. One was actually promising and I kinda liked the vibe it had.

And I like to photograph and paint nature, like flowers, random scenery etc, especially the beach.

And random thing I've come to realise is I don't know how to function outside of hospital for like the last two to three months I've been in nearly every week whether for a short stint in the mental health emergency room or for medical attention to self harm or suicide. I just spent another week in hospital, got home yesterday and I'm like not sure how to cope with life today. I'm seeing my case manager this afternoon and i think I'll talk to her about that especially.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Good to hear, regarding the properties. To have a choice over the place you move to is a bonus. To have no choice but to be living in some dark and depressing accommodation definitely doesn't help in the way of mental health. Sounds like things are looking on the up in this area of your life.

To have such a connection to nature as to paint or photograph it is a gift. To pay such close attention to detail is something not many people do. They never stop and smell the roses let alone paint or photograph them. Such a beautiful form of meditation. I think this is one of the things missing in my life, connecting more with nature. Every time I've done this in the past, I've felt better for it. I should start making a list of the things that work best for me in life, as I'm not fully conscious of what they all are.

That's quite a significant revelation - the difference between functioning inside and outside of hospital. Do you feel the structure hospital provides you with as being of some relief? When I think about the times I've been to hospital for various physical reasons, I think about how structured it is. Someone comes in first thing in the morning to check on you and staff continue to check on you throughout the day. There's that round the clock care and support. Medication is given at around the same time each day. Meals are provided at the same time each day. A certain level of quietness is maintained. The list goes on. I struggle with self discipline at times and I find when I'm in hospital I don't need self discipline, as the people around me are the ones who are disciplined in making sure I'm on track. It's a relief in a way; it can be a break from the hard work it takes to get through life. When my mum was younger and hospital visits weren't so much age related for her, she'd express how much of a relief it was, recovering in hospital. She's been through some serious hard times in her life and it was often a relief to be thoughtfully guided and looked after, while having a break from the world, a break from the chaos and having to think your way through every challenge.

Do you appreciate the structured nature of life while you're in hospital?

[Centaured]

I just had another stint in hospital. I got dragged in on forms by police this time.

Therising, I don't really function in hospital either, but I have an excuse not to. I always get admitted to the crisis unit/mh emergency area with a one to one nurse due to my risks and past behaviours. I get admitted for 2-3 days then released.

Due to my early 20s hospital became a regular thing for me and I never really developed life skills or coping skills or any level of function as an adult. I don't know where to begin to learn any of that, especially beyond suicidal ideation that's acted on regularly or severely damaging sh. I don't know how to stop.

I'm ok today. I have things to look forward to this week. We'll see how we get on. I start therapy this week eek.

[Centaured]

Things are starting to freak me out. Since it's got dark Ive started hallucinating. And idk if I'm hearing things too or if this is real.

There's been some weird stuff going on lately and I'm scared to tell my psychiatrist tomorrow when I see him because they once diagnosed me with psychosis and I'm scared I'll be forced to go back to getting injections.

It's been a bad start to the year and im scared there's aliens out there going to rape me. I know that probably sounds crazy. But I can't but hear them in head and see them out of the corner of my eyes haunting me like they used to.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Glad you're starting therapy this week. Hoping the therapist has some natural intelligence. What I mean by natural is more so about what naturally makes sense. You could say to a couple of therapists 'I have very few life skills and coping skills based on my past experience'. A therapist with intellectual intelligence may take the textbook approach to your current issues, partly ignoring what you just said. A therapist with natural intelligence will see you as being the greatest witness to your life and will pick up on any clues you have to offer when it comes to working on solving or resolving current issues. Naturally, they'll also want to begin introducing significant life skills. Naturally, they'll want to educate you along the way, in regard to what you're facing and why you're facing it, to help you begin making sense of it all. You've struggled for far too long and it's about time you were given exactly what you need the most.

The hallucinations sound incredibly stressful. Perhaps you could consider mentioning to the therapist 'I'm perfectly aware they're hallucinations, I'm conscious of the fact that they're not real and I want to stop them'. With you indicating an awareness, this shows you're able to observe them as opposed to being fully convinced they're real. Wondering whether addressing this issue now will stop them from progressing to become what could feel 100% real, with you getting lost in them. Hope that makes sense.

Can recall, when suddenly being triggered to come out of depression quite a number of years ago, some of the things my mind/brain took me through. It was like some bizarre intense 'rewiring' process that lasted a couple of months. While it started off as the most amazing experience, it began to take a serious turn. I began experiencing certain auditory and visual hallucinations and the problem was I was 100% convinced they were real. Just to name one: I thought people on the tv were talking to me specifically, trying to give me a personal message. During that 2 month period, people around me all discussed with each other how I was going 'crazy' yet none of them did anything to help me. It was incredibly stressful. Some years later I came across a lot of info about the kind of thing I experienced. I gained an education on it.

Not a lot of people discuss what happens when our mind is blown wide open by some significant event or set of events - the mental, biological/chemical and natural impact or side effects.

[Centaured]

Psychosis is one of those funny things that people don't really understand unless they've been through it, then you don't really understand it much right tbh. In my early-mid twenties I occasionally had long hospital stints heavily medicated due to paranoid delusions about aliens amongst other things. It took a lot of interventions and the right meds to pull me out of those times. I still get the odd thoughts and voices from time to time. It can get very distressing.

Tonight I'm so anxious about my psychologist appointment tomorrow. I'm freaking out about starting therapy again, it's been a few years. My team wants me address my trauma but idk if I can do that. Idk what tomorrow is going to look like or if I'll freeze and say anything or whatever.

I dislike unknowns so much.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

My wish for you is for today to be the first day that marks the start of significant difference. I hope it's the kind of day that actually leads you to a sense of excitement and hope, when it comes to the way forward. While the same old same old can take us around in circles into hopelessness, feeling a difference becomes exciting, even if it's just a little.

I suppose it's a mutual guidance thing in therapy. The therapist is not the only one giving guidance in the sessions; the person they're helping is giving guidance as well. Guidance such as 'I have a serious fear of what's going to happen in this/these session/s' or 'I'm deeply concerned I won't be able to cope with what comes up' is much needed guidance for the therapist. Such statements would help in guiding them to use the best strategies under the circumstances with the circumstances involving elements of fear, as opposed to fearlessness. I imagine 'treading very carefully' would be a part of the strategy in this case.

To be open and honest might be hard, especially if 'guarded' has been a strategy you've used in the past. Open and honest might sound a little like 'What you're covering has been covered before and has led me no where. I feel like I'm heading nowhere again. You need to tell me how this is different, so I don't feel like I'm going nowhere'. Easier said than done, being honest. I think there can be a lot of things that hold us back from being open and honest at times. Giving our self permission to openly express skepticism as well is something that can be hard to do, such as 'Why should I trust you're going to make a difference?'. Personally, I think all therapists should be answerable, open minded enough to welcome valid questions. In my opinion, a good therapist works hard and carefully. They work hard and carefully to gain trust, to offer the best strategies, to listen deeply, to imagine where their client's coming from, to become more open minded (as opposed to simply referring to what are textbook cases). Hard and careful work is what forms the connection between the therapist and their client. There are plenty out there who don't work hard and carefully, the ones who tend to blame the client for the lack of connection, putting them in the 'too hard' basket.

Today, I hope you find the psychologist to be one who is great at forming a connection. If you feel the need to question them, trust that feeling and ask what you need to ask.

[Centaured]

The psychologist was good. We had a good connection, she was intelligent and well experienced, and i think we are a good fit.

I was so tired/wiped afterwards that I just slept all afternoon. I know this is going to be intense so I think I'll plan to have nothing else on therapy days so I can sleep or rest afterwards to process everything.