Dear Dools,
I can hear how you’re struggling and I know it sometimes feels like just as we take a step forward we go backwards. One way I’ve learned to understand such processes is that we will fluctuate up and down on the way towards improvement and healing. I’ve done work with a method called Somatic Experiencing and there is a principle in that called pendulation. It’s referring to the nervous system moving in and out of trauma states as it makes its way back to homeostasis. In the recovery journey from depression, anxiety, trauma etc the nervous system will naturally have periods of instability as it works towards a new equilibrium. The method involves establishing islands of safety that we can return to any time we feel distress. An island of safety could be a pleasant memory, a visualisation of a place we love to visit or have dreamed about visiting, basically anything that elicits a calming response in our nervous system. Knowing we have islands of safety means we can return to them whenever things start feeling unstable again. I know you’ve mentioned looking at nature pictures you love and that’s something I love doing too. I did that before going to bed last night.
Something else I thought of that may be helpful is the work of Janina Fisher. She’s a psychologist who’s done a lot of work with people with things like complex ptsd and bpd. She looks at structural integration and how in certain conditions part of the self can fragment, but we can experience this fragmented part as if it’s the whole self when it isn’t. So a part that feels like it doesn’t want to go on anymore is actually just a fragment that’s become dissociated from the whole. It’s not the core of who we are. She looks at how we can nurture these fragmented parts and reintegrate them into the whole. When not integrated, a part can act kind of autonomously, like it is running us, and that can explain emotions, thoughts and feelings that seem to have gone out of control. But it’s an unintegrated part that can be nurtured and healed, and understanding that is often the beginning of healing.
Janina Fisher has a flip chart she designed for therapists to work with clients. I’ve not seen it and it’s a bit expensive, but I read that it uses visuals to help clients make sense of their responses. She did it this way because when clients are traumatised they can struggle to process words and information. I’m just wondering if something like that would be helpful for you in the context of therapy, providing a framework for making sense of things. It’s called The Living Legacy of Trauma Flip Chart. It would probably be most helpful to do something like this with a therapist, as it’s in that relational setting that it tends to be most beneficial. If you did visit your psych again you could ask if she knows about it.
Those are just ideas. I feel like you are looking for guidance through the process of making sense of your own thoughts and feelings, and just thought of Janina Fisher’s work as she is oriented to helping clients understand their responses and that that is a key process of healing. There’s quite a few YouTube clips of her speaking on the internet and some of them may be helpful.
Remember you can keep in contact with helplines too if you start feeling overwhelmed. That human contact can help alleviate emotional dysregulation and calm the nervous system along with the feelings and thoughts that are getting a bit distressed or destabilised. I hope you are doing ok today and can find some peaceful activities. Take care and sending you kind thoughts.
