Self harm and suicidal thoughts, feel like burden to relationship to speak up

[Ashha]

Hi, this is difficult to say so I apologise if I don’t make all much sense but, I’m having these horrible thoughts around myself, they was I think and feel about my self, and very strong urges to self harm and my suicidal thoughts just keep getting stronger.
I tried to call the crisis team two nights ago they spoke to me for maybe 5 minutes before telling me to take more medication and go to bed 😔 they weren’t helpful at all so I’m reluctant to call them again as I feel they just don’t care. I would usually try to go to my partner when I feel this way but I feel like such a burden to him. I feel guilty for how bad my mental health is and how he has to deal with it everyday. He’s told me I cause his a lot of stress and make things hard for him and he feels like a carer to me. That made me feel so awful bc I help him anytime him needs even if I’m not okay I do all I can to help and make sure his okay with out making him feel like a problem. And that’s exactly how I feel to him at the moment, I feel like I’m just to much for everyone. I’m just not sure who to turn to, I don’t have any friends really, I’m to scared to let anyone to close as they always leave or find me to much.
 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ashha

Sounds like you have been going through a really really tough time, so we're really glad that you've been able to share your thoughts and feelings with us.  You have come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about whats going on for you with our community who are here to offer support. We know that many of our community members can relate to how you're feeling and hope that some can offer some words of kindness and support.

If you would like some additional help in finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
 

[therising]

Hi Ashha

You sound like such a thoughtful caring sensitive person, helping your partner no matter the circumstances. It sounds like he doesn't hold the same abilities to the extent that you do. I can relate to what you're saying.

In recalling my years in depression, going back a little, my husband was someone who was more focused on maintaining the status quo. Kind of like if we can maintain not developing new problems or not getting too upset, things will be okay. Things won't get too bad. Problem with that was...the level he wanted to vibe at was the level I was depressed at. What I needed was to be raised to a whole new level. Basically, he didn't have the ability to take me to that level and, if anything, whenever I'd experience greater downs, I'd be led to feel guilty for not maintaining the status quo. I'd feel like a burden and a failure. Looking back, I can clearly see that the greatest burden of all was to stay in depression and the people around me were failing to raise me in the ways that I needed to be raised. To be fair, no one had a clue regarding what it would take to raise me out of depression. That in itself was depressing, which didn't help matters.

A scenario just popped into my head that I feel compelled to share with you:

Imagine you're in the middle of a circle of a thousand people. The role of each person is to raise you to greater self awareness/consciousness and to raise you out of depression. Within the first 800 people, you'll find some who don't believe depression is real, some who will bring you down, some who will keep you vibing on the same level, some who will lead you to the very depths of depression, some who come so close to raising your consciousness and your spirits (yet don't quite get there) and some who just don't seem to care at all. As you turn to face each individual person, you find (one by one) the people who make no significant difference to you. Then you get to person 801 and they say something so mind altering to you to the degree that you begin to feel like you're being raised. You've never felt that feeling before and it is incredible. You pull person 801 closer to you. The same happens with person 850, 902, 958 and 1000. You now have a small circle of people who do nothing but raise you. The rest simply don't or can't.

It took me about 15 years in depression to find that person who equated to my 801st. It can feel like such a depressing process in the lead up to meeting that person in your life.

🙂