robthomaslover (used to be mb20lover)'s thread

[britishtvfan]

hi everyone. i hope i posted this in the correct thread, i wasn't sure where to post it.

i'm tayla, i used to be mb20lover, but i thought it would be best to make a new account and start fresh. i'm 22 by the way. i couldn't think of a different username, so i thought this one would do.

i have missed everyone i have interacted with somehow, and i hope i can try to support others aswell as hopefully getting support for myself, and interacting with people i have in the past, and new people.

i hope everyone had a merry christmas and happy new year.

- tayla (used to be mb20lover).

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mark

Thank you so very much for sharing your daughter's story! Both you and your daughter are truly inspirational. You must be really proud of your daughter; I know I am of my girl. And I'm so proud of Tayla for having the courage and skills to reach out for support on this forum.

I think you are spot on to suggest a small goal to Tayla. It's about building on an initial success and then gaining momentum right now. What do you think Tayla?

Tayla, sweet one, if you're reading--we're here for you when you're ready.

Kind thoughts to you

[britishtvfan]

i can't handle this anymore. i was feeling okay, because things are fine with that girl & i now, who i mentioned, we talked things out & it was a misunderstanding. so i felt better. but now i feel awful again.

whatever i do is just wrong. i can never do & say anything right. i'm sick of people putting me down & making me feel worse about myself than i already do. sick of people picking on me knowing i'm extremely sensitive because of my AVPD. just treating me like crap. i know i don't matter & i'm worthless but i have feelings/emotions & a heart (a broken one) too.

i try my best to realise my mistakes & take the blame & work on things, to be a good person, etc. yes i'm still learning. but to get treated this way by people.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla that is good news that your friend is still talking to you and it was a misunderstanding.I am glad you could talk and sort things out.

Please don't put yourself down.You are a valued person and if someone puts you down.These people are not worth your time and thoughts about them.You are an honest caring person and should be able to hold your head high.I wish I could make you see what a wonderful person you really are.People can be so cruel in this world and they can really be hurtful and not easy for you to ignore but try and concentrate on the nice people like the lady you talk to about your favourite actor.

Take care,

Mark.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Tayla

Great news about your online friend reconnecting! I’m very happy for you.

I’m wondering if you would like to share more about AVPD on the forums? I ask because I don’t know a lot about your condition and I bet their are others here like me. The more we can learn, the better support we can offer.

I’m not trying to pry and I’m not trying to criticise you, I’m just trying to think of ways to help make relationships easier for you. I know from personal experience caring for my daughter that the more I learned about OCD, the more I could help her.

Kind thoughts to you

[britishtvfan]

hi all. i've been browsing the forums but not participating, i've been rather depressed lately. everything just seems to be going wrong.

i do things slower than i used to, showering & getting ready for example, because my mind just races. i try to think of good things or imagine things (escapeism, it's a coping mechanism for those with avoidant personality disorder, myself included) but my brain just keeps thinking of bad things.

i've been watching things online such as TV shows, concerts with matchbox twenty & rob thomas, stuff like that. but in a TV show whenever they have friends & relationships, family too, i get triggered. because i've never been like that. i've never had friends. yeah i've hung out with people but i was just ignored & so forth. i try to talk to people but after traumatic experiences & having a social phobia, i'm more reserved i suppose you could say, & also the avpd.

i've never had a relationship. that worries me sometimes but having no friends worries me the most. no one to share good & bad moments with. never had a best friend. i talk to literally 2 people but they have their own lives, families & friends.

i'm nothing special or important, i'm just everything bad. i hate myself so much. i just want to end everything because i can't handle being like this.

i'm just a failure. i've never had a job & left school in 2015 (year 10) because of bullying, my mental health, etc. then i became ill & had to have a surgery that would've been fatal if i didn't have it, in 2018. i'm ok now in terms of the surgery but yeah. i often wish it was.

most people have jobs when they're teenagers even if it's part time. i have my learners but never driven the car because i'm too scared & don't have good concentration & i have a short attention span. 

most people are studying too. i can't afford that, & most things need year 12 or something, & you have to have skills etc which i don't have. i have looked at many things.

i live in a small country town, well not that small, about 5,000 or so people, i don't know, but people are rude (a couple nice people but still) & keep to themselves. a place where everyone knows everyone & they don't like newcombers. we moved here in 2018 & it's been worse luck than when we were in our previous suburb. it's peaceful & nice scenery & birds but yeah.

i just wish i could end it all. i'm safe but still. i hate this.

[Matchy69]

Tayla I so sorry you are feeling so depressed.I wish I had an easy answer for you.I know their are just good things waiting for you if you could only see that and believe it.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Tayla

Sounds like you’re in a very dark place. So sorry to hear this.

Your coping strategies sound good but it’s a shame they’re not working like you’d hope. I wonder if you’ve ever tried exercise? I find going for a walk and being in nature really helps my mood. Meditation is supposed to be helpful to soothe a racing mind.

I know you’d like a job or a study plan. I understand that and think it would be good for you. Sometimes the path from A to B is windy and unpredictable but there’s usually a way through.

Do you have an idea of what you’d like to do? Forget about all the barriers for the moment, what interests you?

Kind thoughts to you

[britishtvfan]

hi mark & summer.

yes i walk daily, once or twice, a long walk. & i have no idea, i've lost interest in everything anyway due to my mental health.

i'll never amount to anything regardless. people probably read my posts on here & elsewhere & judge me. but i suppose i understand. i get it.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Tayla

Nobody here is judging you, lovely. You’re safe here.

I understand that you’ve lost interest in things due to poor mental health. You’re in a really tough spot.

You see, I do understand how bullying and mental health issues in one’s formative years affect one’s development. This happened to my daughter.

She fought her way through it and with a lot of support and the right professional help claimed her life back. Never give up, Tayla. As long as there is just a ray of light there is hope.

I’m wondering if you might consider volunteer work as a first step? It’s a great way of preparing yourself for work or study in the future.

My daughter got her first aid certificate and joined St John’s Ambulance as a volunteer when she was about 15, which gave her a way to learn new skills, meet new people and make a contribution to our community. Not for everyone I know, but a thought.

If there is a primary school in town, they might appreciate someone to read to young children. Nursing homes often have volunteers to visit and assist with residents. Libraries, hospitals, and community groups also often need a volunteer team.

Just something to consider when you’re feeling better.

Kind thoughts to you

[britishtvfan]

i have asked about those things, but am discriminated against & told i can't, this was before COVID too. i didn't even say i had mental health issues.

i did do work experience before i left school for 2 years, as it was compulsory, i chose aged care, i enjoyed it, but it did trigger me & remind me of my grandparents & that was a hard time for me.

plus aswell as discriminating me, those places such as hospitals, aged care, etc. won't let people volunteer because of COVID, the same applies with visitors. so i've tried everything i can.