the suicidal thoughts are kicking in again. i've been doing stuff to keep me busy but they're still there. i keep thinking about the girl who should be back from her holiday on thursday (27th jan), as it gets closer.
i'm worried she won't respond, block me, or say something mean. but i'm hoping we can put it behind us & start fresh. i miss her.
it may be odd since she's about my mum's age & has a son my age, but i talked to her on a group for one of my favourite shows, on facebook. age doesn't matter to me, as long as people are polite to me, that's all i ask really.
i just wish i was loved, and people enjoyed talking to me whether in person or online, like they looked forward to chatting to me. i feel like every bit of "affection" i've ever gotten in my life is just fake.
i don't deserve love & friends anyway. i have no family either other than my parents which yes is upsetting, but i can handle that more than not having friends.
i just want to do basic things like go see a movie, etc. not clubbing & whatnot like every young person seems to do 24/7.
i've always been alone, i always will be. i've never had a best friend, or even friends, online & in person. i've never had a relationship. i'll never have any friends, i'll never find love, i'll never start a family if i decide i want kids one day. even if i did, i'd be awful. i can barely look after myself.
i have no skills, i've achieved nothing, i'm just a failure. i'm scared of people, mostly in person. i've never been good enough for anyone, i never will be.
i'll just be the way i am forever. sigh.
