robthomaslover (used to be mb20lover)'s thread

[britishtvfan]

hi everyone. i hope i posted this in the correct thread, i wasn't sure where to post it.

i'm tayla, i used to be mb20lover, but i thought it would be best to make a new account and start fresh. i'm 22 by the way. i couldn't think of a different username, so i thought this one would do.

i have missed everyone i have interacted with somehow, and i hope i can try to support others aswell as hopefully getting support for myself, and interacting with people i have in the past, and new people.

i hope everyone had a merry christmas and happy new year.

- tayla (used to be mb20lover).

[britishtvfan]

sigh. i always manage to ruin something somehow. and that's sad Mark, sorry to hear.

it's been 9 days & i still haven't heard from that friend. i don't have instagram, but i checked her profile on there, and she posted earlier. her post was about visiting her mum in a nursing home. i feel bad. i just miss talking to her (yes she's older than me & has a son my age, but we just became friends over a show we both like, from a facebook group, then i discovered an actor we both like, from different shows).

i shouldn't have said i felt pushed away. i wasn't rude about it. i sounded selfish and i didn't mean to be. i've tried to give her space but it's upsetting and i just want to know she's ok even if it's just a hello.

i always ruin something somehow. i wasn't giving the impression i'm more important than anyone, i'm not important at all.

i'm not sure if she's been on facebook at all because i've tagged her in things in groups we're both in and although we're not on each others friends list, she should still see those. i don't know if she's read them but normally she likes them & sometimes comments back, like i do.

as for the messages, they just all say sent, not delivered. sigh. i feel so bad.

[britishtvfan]

hmm, i typed out a reply but maybe it hasn't been approved yet, idk.

anyway i'm still upset about that friend, 9 days now since they last left me on read, haven't heard from them. i hope they're ok. i feel bad and guilty. all i said was i felt pushed away, and that i'm sorry i'm not good enough. sigh.

[Matchy69]

Tayla I am sorry you are struggling with this person not talking to you.Their is probably not much more you can do.Its not a nice feeling to have happened.You are a kind thoughtful person and is the other person's lost.

[britishtvfan]

thanks mark, it's just really upsetting. i'm a bad person.

[Matchy69]

Tayla your definately not a bad person people not talking to you has happened to me.

[britishtvfan]

thanks mark but i am. i'm sorry that happened to you.

i just simply expressed to her how i felt. other times she's been understanding & we've talked. i don't see why she can't be mature & talk it out?

i don't have instagram but i look at her account, she's still posting. if she doesn't want to talk or be noticed by anyone, why is she posting? i mean yes she's free to do that, i'm not saying she's not, but what i mean is she'll get the notifications for that so why can't she just check my messages & say things are ok & she just doesn't feel like talking? i would understand. i would rather that than be ignored & avoided which i find rude & upsetting.

i don't mean to sound selfish & make it about me but it's just hurtful.

[Matchy69]

Tayla I think it's as much as respecting people's decisions even how much it hurts us.Maby oneday she will talk to you again but if someone dosnt want to talk to you how good of a friend are they ?

[britishtvfan]

i see your point mark but i just find it really rude and hurtful. especially doing that to someone with mental health issues, and abandonment issues, like what i have. i don't understand why she couldn't have said she wasn't up to talking, i would've preferred that & understood. it would've been more polite.

all i ask for is to be loved, and have friends. but i don't have either, i never have. i try my hardest online and in person (well mostly online) to make friends and nothing ever works. i try to talk about what they like, etc and still nothing.

i get blocked for no reason by people, such as on tumblr, just for politely asking if they wanted to be friends (not in a pressuring/spamming way) since they like something i like. then get blocked for no reason. i'd rather ask than just jump in & say they're my friend.

whatever i do is never good enough, nor am i, & nothing is ever right. i'm sick of it. i have my time to myself too of a night but that still gets depressing.

although i am safe and i just have suicidal thoughts, not actions or plans, i just wish i was dead, i would be be better (just thoughts like i said).

no one would miss me, everyone would be happier.

[Sophie_M]

Hi robthomaslover, 

We can really hear how intense these thoughts of suicide are for you right now, and although you've mentioned you're safe at the moment, we would always encourage you and other community members to seek support whenever needed - Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) or LifeLine (13 11 14), in case you wanted to talk things through in more detail. Please know that you're not alone. 

We hope you're feeling welcomed, included and supported on the forums. 

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla I am sorry I know hard you try to make friends.People can be so cruel and don't think of the other person's feelings.I notice a lot of this with the online world we live in.I felt the hurt of losing someone blocking me out of their life.It still hurts when I think about it.You can hold your head up high knowing you have done nothing wrong.I wish I had an answer for you. I think your a good caring person and would be great have as a friend.