Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray, thankyou for reading what I wrote and understanding me. And your reassurance.

 Yes I think I will search out someone from a local church. 

Hope you had a calm relaxing time in the cafe there.

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

Absolutely nothing wrong with anything you say. There is nothing wrong about speaking from the heart, nothing wrong with venting or expressing stress, nothing wrong with being able to feel so deeply and the list goes on. It's so important to give yourself the freedom to be you and not be apologetic about it. You're a good and deeply caring loving person. We need more people like you in this world.

Am wishing for blessings and miracles to come your way. To recognise them, we have to search for them, keeping our mind and eyes and ears open. The most sensitive will feel them.

❤️

[Guest_1055]

Your words are so lovely therising. Thankyou.

I think you are right too about noticing the blessings. I don't think I do that enough as I get so overwhelmed with  difficulties  and heavy not nice emotions speak so loud sometimes and I get caught up in them. Those emotions cloud out other stuff in my life.

My sweet sister is a blessing in my life. And I am thankful for her, tears are now in my eyes. 

Think I do need to keep searching for the blessings , maybe look really deep into my life , maybe I will write it all down. I have experienced miracles in my life. May I tell you one?

When I was doing a nursing course at TAFE, in one of the classes a " speaking out the front " was sprung on us" I was to give a talk and act out a scenario of a dementia patient with two others. I have symptoms of social anxiety so doing such a thing Infront of a class is almost terrifying. I am working at learning to speak out verbally now, back then ah nope didn't speak much at all.

Once I got out the front, God took over and somehow the whole acting thing just went on.

When the teacher asked for feedback from other students. No one could find fault. The acting was perfect, and I felt no fear at that time.  May God get all the glory, because it certainly wasn't me. " When we are weak He is strong, that is what He says. 

I just want to trust Him that He will indeed take care of my sister. He has got this.

Thankyou for reading again therising. Appreciate it

[smallwolf]

hello guest_1055,

you mentioned venting, and that is perfectly ok - whether you write in a journal or here, I hope you are able to get some comfort or relief in writing down your thoughts.

I have read much of your story - it sounds as though you have been through a lot in your life and you care very much for those around you and your family. You also sounds quite spiritual if not religious. I hope you don't mind my asking ... what sort of support do you get from your family and community?

I have other questions, but will leave those for another time. 

Listening...

[Guest_1055]

Hi there smallwolf, I hope you are doing ok. Oh yes, it seems to help me writing it down for sure. Just to get it out. 

I don't mind you asking

I do have people that pray for me. And I have been to counselling a few years back for other reasons. I went for 2 years. 

I don't have many friends. But that is quite a lengthy story as to why.

My family do support me in some ways. 

Nope not religious at all. Though I can understand why some may think so. 

Thankyou so much for reading, and giving your time in doing so

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

Such a beautiful and powerful connection leading you to speak in front of all those people. I can relate to the fear of public speaking, so I can imagine how such a powerful experience must have felt. A beautiful thing. I love seeing the miracles. It's the magic of life. When someone says something along the lines of 'That's just coincidence', I can't hep but wonder why they don't choose to see it as something miraculous, meaningful and magical. Btw, I believe there are also simple coincidences that have no significant meaning to them. If guidance and direction are found in that which coincides, so be it.

To offer a couple of simple yet meaningful coincidences while driving

• I recall driving home from meeting with someone who had given me solid direction in life when I was feeling so incredibly lost at the time. He had advised me of how I'd managed to let people lead me off the path when it comes to who I love being, in order for me to meet their expectations. He advised how there are going to be people in life who will throw mud (make fun and criticise) and that I was to wash off the mud while staying true to myself, staying on my path. On the way home, I stopped at a set of lights. There to my right was a huge billboard reading 'WASH OFF THE MUD'. I smiled
• Again, while stopped at a set of lights, I found myself questioning on a separate occasion. It was a sorrowful question along the lines of 'How am I meant to change?'. There were a lot of challenging changes taking place at the time. I looked to see 2 semi trailers going through the intersection, one behind the other. With company names on the side of them, the 1st read 'Phoenix' and the 2nd 'Grace'. As my old life was kinda going up in flames and parts of me were disintegrating, in order to make way for the new, I decided I was going to change with grace

As I say, what is simple coincidence in the eyes on one person may be meaningful coincidence in the eyes of another, a miracle of sorts for them. So important to keep our mind and eyes open 🙂

[Guest_1055]

I like your " wash of the mud" story therising. It's great.

[Guest_1055]

Sometimes I just feel over this life. It seems so hard and I get sick of the same struggles over and over again. It all seems so very complicated and messy. I don't know if it's my own inner thoughts that are like that or the world and people around me. Relationships are hard, communication is hard. 

I don't know what humans to trust anymore. 

My thoughts are many, I can't switch them off. I just want them to be quite. 

So many unanswered questions in my thoughts.

Why is it all complicated?

It's hard to keep going, hard to see a point to it all.

This upper place I found myself in.. I long for it. I know in my whole being I belong there that is my home. It's like you can breathe in such relief. It's not complicated there, no more strifing, no more emotional ups and downs, no loneliness, no sadness, no sickness. I have had the thought that the upper place is heaven and God showed me what it is like. So very restful that it's hard to explain. Complete peace within and around. I know I was taken there after a sensation of "letting go". Maybe the " letting go" was my choice I don't really know. But if I need to let go again to go back to the upper place, then I desire that to. But even that is hard and I don't even know how I did it.

My whole being longs for this. So intense.

I feel like an alien on this earth. I don't belong here. 

I am all living in my thoughts currently, because they will not be quite. I got to do something to get away from them even if it is for a short time. 

Is the experience I had the presence of God . I have no one to talk with about this particular experience either.

Maybe it was a vision of truly what heaven is like, I think I said that before in this post. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

 I don’t know if this helps, but when I have got to a point of not knowing who to trust anymore, I realised the person I needed to trust the most is myself. When I take care of my inner being and work with my intuition, it becomes easier to manage interacting with people in the outside world. I’m still on a learning curve so it is not always easy, but I would say it has become easier as I’ve learned to trust myself. It’s like becoming your own best friend. When you have that you can withstand the challenges of the external world more easily.

The feeling you have of the upper place, perhaps that is a way you can feel like you are getting a break from what is challenging including the many thoughts you are dealing with. It is understandable to long for a place where you are not troubled by such thoughts. But I wonder too if you can also befriend your thoughts? Ask yourself what they are trying to communicate and realise your mind is probably going over things as a way of trying to help you.

I’ve gradually learned to see thoughts and feelings as communications from the deeper parts of me trying to solve things. So they are not so much burdens as parts of myself trying to communicate with me and make sense of things. That way the thoughts don’t seem like the enemy or a negative thing. I’m also not fighting them or trying to suppress them then either. If I try to fight or suppress them they actually build in intensity. If I befriend them and curiously explore them they become more moderate (less intense) and begin to make sense.

Sometimes working with a counsellor can help illuminate what our thoughts and feelings are about. Sometimes exploring and researching can help if we find sources of information that resonate with us. I just wonder if seeing thoughts and feelings as something curious and interesting might help.

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray