Needing encouragement

[apeMAN]

June 19, 2020 I attempted suicide. I didn't/don't want to be in pain anymore. That date is coming up soon and it's triggering me. I've tried so damn much since then to rebuild my health, mind and willpower. But my mind is fragmented into a thousand pieces.

A lifetime of chronic headaches/migraines. They can be over 15+ days in a month. They can last anywhere from 2 to 16 hours. I was born missing supportive bones on one side of my neck. There's no cure, only manageability.

I've had chronic fatigue and depression for 20 years. Tried all the things.

My son is 3.5yrs old. He's my heart. I love him so damn much and love being his dad. It's the only reason I keep fighting through this continuous pain cycle. It's torturous.

I don't want to be in pain anymore. But I don't want to leave my boy fatherless. So each day I'm crushed between those opposing forces.

It took 15 years of mental degradation to attempt my life. It's been nearly 3 years since then. I've been diligent in trying to repair my mind and willpower. 100+hrs of clinical psychology, mindfulness, meditation, exercise, diet, drugs, no drugs, western medicine, eastern medicine and so on. I don't think there's a option I haven't tried.

I'm tired. The journey to some semblance of sustainable health is always out of reach. Everytime I make progress it gets taken from me.

I can't leave my son without his dad. But I also don't want to be in pain. I feel trapped physically and emotionally. Looping the same loops.

My family knows my story. They are immensely supportive. I'm not in danger but I am in mental turmoil. Each setback shatters me and I have to rebuild again and again. The future seems overwhelming and impossible.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm truly sorry to hear about the pain and struggles you've been enduring. It sounds cliche but ... it takes immense strength to continue fighting through such challenging circumstances, and your dedication to being there for your son is admirable.

You've shown incredible resilience in your pursuit of better health and well-being. It's evident that you've explored various avenues and put tremendous effort into finding solutions. Despite the obstacles, your determination shines through.

Also remember you have a supportive family who understands your story and stands by your side. Lean on them for strength and seek comfort in their unwavering support.

Take things one day at a time, and try to focus on the love and joy you experience as a father to your son. And it may not feel like there any hope, and the path may seem daunting, we never know what the future holds.

Keep holding on to that hope, and remember that you are worthy of happiness and relief from pain. Perhaps being able to share part of your life and story here may help a little with that. You deserve it.

[indigo22]

Hi apeMAN,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low, you have a lot to deal with so it is completely understandable.

I have a long history with depression also and the fatigue that comes with it can be quite debilitating. I have also had a history of suicidal ideation, for me it was due to emotional pain rather than physical pain. You are on a difficult journey so I understand that it gets on top of you. You seem to have tried most things to help you with your situation so there are a couple of suggestions I would like to offer up as something to look into. You said you have tried meditation but wonder it you have tried using hemi-sync recordings or similar which align both hemispheres of the brain to make meditation more effective. Also wonder if you are familiar with the work of Dr Joe Dispenza, he was able to self-heal his broken back after an accident and has gone on to write many books, and you will find a lot of information and videos online about his work. For this you would need to have an open mind to the possibility of self-healing, but since you have tried alternative medicines, I guess this would not be a problem for you. At this point, whatever works for you will be a blessing so you can enjoy life with your beloved little boy.

I hope these suggestions will be of some help to you.

Sending you some extra strength to keep going. 

indigo22

[Eagle Ray]

Dear apeMAN,

I can hear what an extreme struggle it has been for you, and also the deep love you have for your little boy.

I've also had chronic migraine starting at age 13 when I also developed fibromyalgia. I'm 48 now. For about 32 years I had migraines 2-3 times a week, so I relate to that relentless onslaught of pain. I started to get them much less when I cut out gluten 3 years ago which for me turned out to be a significant trigger, but I still can get them severely when they do emerge.

I just thought I'd share something that is helping me break the loop of the chronic pain cycle as well as a cycle of emotional struggle that has always been part of my life. I hope it might give you some hope that the future is not impossible and that the endless struggle can start to lift.

In the past few years I've started to learn about somatic approaches to healing. From last year I've worked with a psychologist who also approaches healing very much through the body. I've never been helped by top-down approaches that are thought/cognition-based. I know much of this relates to early life preverbal (even ancestral/epigenetic) trauma in my case and the fact that the pain conditions in my body stem from primal, autonomic processes. So I've had to meet those processes at the deep level of the body as a starting point.

What I have gradually learned is that my body has had lifelong severe bracing patterns of autonomic stress (fight-or-flight and freeze responses). I am now only just really learning to let go of the chronic bracing. This is not so much a mental process but a relinquishing of struggle in my body's impulse to keep fighting all the time (which has been chronically automated from birth in my case). In my last session with my psychologist she was encouraging me to sense what my body was feeling. When I really listened I could sense it needed to collapse. I just put my head down and cried while she was supportively there for me. I think it was the first time I've ever allowed myself that total collapse in the presence of another, like I've been fighting to keep my head above water my whole life.

Since then I can feel this gradual, progressive letting go where self-healing processes are actualising in my body. It's hard to put into words, but it's like the body finally knowing it is safe. With chronic migraine our sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight) is being chronically activated in an endless cycle. It's the body's natural response to extreme pain and it's almost like the body doesn't know another response and it perpetuates in a loop.

I'm not sure if any of that resonates for you, but wanted to mention it in case it helps. It's like my body is unlearning the stuck loop it was in. I've found I can only heal from sensing what my body needs by allowing myself to feel, rather than resist, what's happening in it, and then following the body's guidance which is to completely let go and deeply rest. I've been through several bouts of suicidality, especially when pain has been most severe, but I've found that subsides with my body knowing it's safe in that letting go process. I've found emotional healing has naturally followed the shifts in the body.

A book that may be helpful in terms of somatic approaches to healing pain is Freedom From Pain by Peter Levine and Maggie Phillips. The best way I can think to describe the gradual healing I'm experiencing is activating healing processes that are already innately there but have been impaired, sometimes because of early life stress and trauma (in my case), but that we can still gain access to later in life. Hope that helps, even a little.

[Doolhof]

Hi apeMAN,

You have been offered some insightful and helpful advice here regarding what may assist you with your depression and suicidal thoughts.

I noted your comment about the anniversary of your suicide attempt approaching. Would it be beneficial to phone Suicide Call Back or Lifeline to ask for some suggestions on how to prepare your self for this day and those coming up to it.

In the past I have approached the coming of traumatic anniversary dates in many different ways, some unhelpful ones have been by withdrawing, making myself more miserable, angry, frustrated, wanting to run away or worse.

Some helpful solutions have been calling the support services, writing down how I am feeling until there are no thoughts left in my mind, then later trying to write down what is good in my life. Physical activity helps me, mowing the lawn, trimming bushes, a brisk walk to get rid of some of the built up stress.

Can you plan something meaningful to do June 19th and also on the days leading up to that day?

Do you have a suicide prevention plan? Can you activate some of the ideas you have written on that?

On June 20 can you celebrate in some way the fact yo are now past that date?

I hope I don't sound flippant at all in any of this. Right now I am fighting my own demons and know how tough this journey is. Please know these are only my thoughts. I wish they actually worked better for myself some days!

Keep reaching out for the support you need. This is a safe place to express yourself if you desire to do so. 

Kindest regards to you from Dools

[therising]

Hi apeMAN

I feel for you so deeply as you face the kind of mental, physical and emotional pain that sounds like such an overwhelming form of torture, something no one should be left to face, especially for so long.

While I've only ever experienced one migraine in my life, my mother in law has suffered from a lifetime of them and my 20yo daughter faced a period of a few years where the dread involved in the next one she feared coming dictated her mindset, her nervous system, her lifestyle, her mental health and more. As I say, with only having experienced one, I can't imagine the fear involved in having to live with them on an ongoing basis and to such a huge degree in your case. My heart truly goes out to you so much.

I can understand your willingness and desperation to do just about anything to stop them. I imagine specialists have covered the following factor but thought I'd throw it out there anyway. Have you ever looked into specifically managing the vagus nerve/s. Not sure whether there's a compression factor involved. With the vagus nerves involved in so many functions, there are so many side effects to VN issues, including migraines, pain related issues, depression, anxiety, gut problems, gut/brain axis issues, blood pressure issues and so much more. You sound like a researcher, having researched and practiced anything that would work in possibly making a difference. Wondering whether this may be a new area of research possibly worth looking into, if you haven't already. There are different forms of vagal nerve stimulation (some invasive and some not).

In regard to depression, from my experience I've come to see it over the years as kind of like a a deep well. There is the top or the verge (of going in) and then there is absolute rock bottom and everything in between. When people speak of the light at the end of the tunnel, I tend to see it as the light at the top of the tunnel. Anyone who has been at absolute rock bottom will relate to what a person's willing to do just to stop being there. The desperation to escape hell on earth leads us to do the unthinkable and when we come back from having attempted the unthinkable, that's a lot to manage and make sense of. I've been there myself. Having made some sense of that time in my life and the depressions I've faced since, it's only been in the last 2 weeks that I've come to realise it's a matter of 'How to live when we just don't know how to anymore (under the circumstances)'. Whether living differently involves demanding more from others, perhaps the people we know or specialists who just aren't doing enough to save our life, maybe that's one way. Whether it involves researching to save our life, even if that involves research so far outside the square to the point others question it, maybe that's another way. I figure, if everyone had experience with 'rock bottom' then everyone would be doing whatever it takes to make a difference for us. No one works harder than those who push themselves to find the difference. I imagine you are the hardest worker in your own life.