My story

NickHE · ‎26-10-2020

Hi, I am here posting on this site because I'm not in a good place right now and I sort of feel like I should write my story down and maybe get a better headspace of where to go and what to do. I'm supposed to be meeting my brother to walk to the store later this evening and get some groceries for my first week back at work from having some time off. I'm sorta planning on taking that final step after I get home. Anyways, here's my story. I was born in a country called Zimbabwe and lived there till I was around 12. I never saw or experienced any, what I would call, traumatic events but I was just sort of used to living with burglar bars and parents having to sleep with guns near the bed. My relationship with my dad was good around this time, although he did use corporal punishment to discipline me. The worst was when he punished me when I broke a sliding-door window. We moved to Australia and I had to make new friends at school. The cool kids I wanted to be around weren't interested in doing work and I began to copy them. Dad was in a understandably stressful point in his life and my grades slipping ended up in a lot of hostility between us and in our home. Once during school holidays he got mad at me for changing the channel on the TV and abused me and said some hurtful things. Time passes, I move on but am still hurt about it. I meet a girl online, she lives in Norway and I start online dating with her. She has a hard family life. We used to talk on skype which dad would get angry about for keeping him awake (time zone difference). She was a self harmer and I sort of started doing it as well to express anger. Dad still doesn't know but I stopped several years ago. We were together for a year, I saved up enough from work to visit her. It was a very happy time. She cheated on me once I moved back because she needed the physical part of the relationship. I tried tinder and found a girl and started dating. She was a very bad influence, she got me into drugs, mostly marijuana but I tried harder stuff. I'm clean now. I just smoke cigarettes. She gave me a place to stay after dad man handled me again and I left home. Mom was very upset. The girlfriend moved to SA to live with her mom. I visited her even after she cheated on me. Her family let me still live with them. Her bro and I became really good friends. I found a new job closer to them. The brother's friends would come over every night.

NickHE · ‎26-10-2020

No I haven't made any headway when it comes to a drivers license. I put it off because I feel exhausted after getting home after a 9-10hr day. I know it's a priority but I can't help but procrastinate. The missing lunch thing started off as involuntary but I'm so used to it now that even if I have time to eat (which is rare) I'm so stressed that I lose all of my appetite. I'm an introvert and I enjoy video games and learning guitar. I used to draw and write a lot but can't find time to nowadays which is fine. I don't enjoy nightclubs but my friend from school will try to drag me out to a bar from time to time. He said I needed a social avenue to meet new people because at the moment my social circle is him, another friend from school and people I interact with from work. Dating is sort of on the cards now that I feel I am back on my feet to some degree after my history with girls but I have anxiety about trusting, getting hurt and expecting too much from people. You are a very kind person for talking to me about all of this and I really appreciate you giving me your time and this has helped me climb out of that mindset today. I hope you are in a good place in life. I need to head to bed but I'm happy that I got to talk to you and I'll take everything you've said on board and continue to fight. I'll keep checking back if you want to ask anymore questions that you think will help or suggestions for my mind set and lifestyle but you have already done a lot.

Regards

N.

tranzcrybe · ‎27-10-2020

Hi NickHE,

Thanks for your compliments and I am glad to have provided some sort of sounding board to bounce ideas off - better than swirling thoughts and irrational outcomes, anyway.

It can be hard not to measure ourselves on past experiences - it's how we navigate the world to discover our place (whatever that is) and is responsible for much self doubt and trepidation as we go forth. A better way to process life's setbacks is to view them as a platform upon which to build - the knowledge we gain becomes our strength to overcome.

Your friend from school is exactly right, and you have a good friend there who looks out for you. Dating is, by definition, all of the things you mention, and a necessary ritual until you find the right match... and you will (often when you least expect it). The key is to take nothing too personal in your quest - compatibility is beyond our control (although sometimes we feel ourselves making up the deficit to save time).

Drawing, writing (by hand), and playing an instrument, are great ways to slow the world down and give you time to collect your thoughts. For me, these things put life into context, beyond the mere execution, and are well worth the investment for maintaining perspective and inner harmony.

Feel free to update your post anytime - there may well be others also who will add their own observations and helpful advice. Don't forget, you can chat to the BB Helplines on 1300 22 4636 24/7 if you ever need friendly support in real time.

Take care.

Regards,

t.