My sister told me to die

[stell_a178]

I just recently moved back into my mums house because I couldn’t afford to continue renting while at uni. I had to move back into the room that my sister was staying in, because she said she wanted to move rooms anyway. My plan was to move all my stuff before uni started so I wasn’t trying to do two things at once. 
I had given my sister over a week to find a new bed and get it delivered or I would pick it up for her. She continued to complain about every single bed I put forward. So I ended up moving her stuff into the front room and shifted my stuff into my room. This obviously really frustrated her, because now she was without a bed. But take into consideration that I (countless times) offered up solutions and she turned every single one down. 
So after being at my mums for around 2 days, I was cleaning up after dinner and my sister yelled at me, “I hope you get off your meds (antidepressants) and kill yourself”. This was because I put one of her cups into the dishwasher without asking her first. 
I didn’t really confront her about what she said, I just let her sit in the silence after she said it. 
I found this horrifying, because out of all the people to say something like this to me, she would be the last person I expected. She, herself, has had issues with suicidal ideation and actually tried to commit while in high school. So this comment from her really shook me to my core. 
i still haven’t confronted her about what she said, because i truthfully have no idea how to react. I am really upset, and this comment has made me feel unloved and unappreciated in my own home. 
Has anyone experienced this? Or does anyone have advice?

stella

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry to hear about the hurtful thing your sister said to you. It is a cruel and thoughtless comment, especially given her own mental health struggles. I can see why you feel shaken.

Remember that you are valued and loved and that her words, don't define your worth. Try confiding in other loved ones who build you up and remind you of your strengths.

I guess my question is and if I am allowed to ask... how has your relationship with the sister going before she said these words to you? Do you want to speak with her about what happened? It perhaps does not mean a thing. I wonder if the cup in the dishwasher was like the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. It maybe a way to lead into a discussion about what was said.

Lastly. you you that you are at Uni. Have you consider talking to a counsellor there? They would be able to talk through with you about things and perhaps find a way forward. (I am making an assumption there that you are not getting other professional help - I apologise otherwise.)

Listening... 

[stell_a178]

Hi smallwolf, 

thanks for replying to my post. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

my relationship with my sister has been fairly good in the past. Especially when I wasn’t living at home. 
when we were younger we would fight (physically) a lot, but after our teenage years we calmed down significantly. Prior to me moving back home everything was fine. She isn’t a great communicator so I didn’t have the chance to talk to her that much, but when we did the conversations were great.
i do think that this glass situation was her last straw. She has adhd and struggles a lot with change, and me moving her stuff into the front room obviously would’ve stressed her out significantly. But that is why I gave her over a week to move her own stuff, while I was sleeping on the couch. She didn’t, so I had to step in. This change plus the glass incident obviously set her off, and I understand her stress but not her behaviour towards me. 
Comments like the one she made make me incredibly angry and sad at the same time. It takes a lot of energy for me to not blow up at her. So I overheard her today saying how horrible I am to her friend over the phone. I ended up messaging her and saying that I really don’t appreciate her “bagging” me to her friends. She didn’t reply. I don’t think I have the patience to talk this through with her. She is the type of person to not see any fault in what she has done and said to me. She’s stubborn. However, i do have a psychologist appointment on Friday, so I am hoping to work it through with her. 

stella 

[smallwolf]

It appears that you have thought about what has happened and sounds like you are looking at it from her perspective also. I know that does not the lessen the hurt in the words. This is something that has taken me a long time to work through and still not there really - when people say something hurtful and perhaps don't think about the effect of their words.

I won't go into my story yet but there have been plenty of times in shoes similar to you. And years later the words can be triggering still. Part of me wanted to tell them (whoever they were) what they said was wrong, how hurtful it was, etc. and at the same time I recognised that I cannot turn back time and undo what had been said. It says more about them than you. It also does not define you.

(Fwiw, with the things that were said to me in my younger days still leave me feeling as though I am not good enough. It sucks! Healing is a journey... sometimes short, sometimes much longer.)