Managed to get through self harm and suicidal thoughts today

[Eagle Ray]

A trigger today pushed me over into a drive towards thoughts of self-harm. I need to tell someone as I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to, even if I am talking to invisible cyberspace. The trigger was being informed by the strata company of a particular pesticide possibly being sprayed on the lawns where I live. Something told me to research it. I have a disease that destroys the intrahepatic bile ducts (small bile ducts in the liver). The research I found indicated this pesticide's strongest correlation with cancers is specifically cancer of the intrahepatic bile ducts. Given my liver has only recently stabilised it felt stressful to deal with, as I am doing everything to try to prevent it progressing. But I've spoken to the gardener today and will get back to him and the strata company tomorrow to advise I don't want it to be sprayed, at least not on my lawn. I know he will agree following our conversation today not to do it during which I told him I'm going to do research to look into it. But it was the feeling of being invaded by something toxic that just pushed me over the edge. I've been dealing with very upsetting toxic family circumstances that I feel powerless to do anything about, and then being told of an actual toxin that felt like a threat being sprayed at my home sent me into further feelings of powerlessness. I just had a major drive to self-harm because I've been dealing with intense grief and already woke this morning with a really strong feeling of sick anxiety that has been there for a couple of weeks now. I just desperately needed to feel something other than distress and powerlessness. I feel I have lost the family I once knew as part of my identity. I feel very much alone. I have a lovely cousin but she is dealing with significant challenges herself at the moment, and I don't want to burden her with my stuff. And my good friend in the city has a beautiful new baby, and I haven't wanted to bring distress into their world. I have a very kind neighbour who has said I can drop in for a cup of tea anytime. But because of so many experiences of being harmed since a child I really struggle to believe anyone is safe, even when they show multiple instances of being safe. I am still waiting for something to go wrong and someone to turn and hurt me. My psychologist is one of the few people I know are safe, but I probably even protect her in a way from the worst of what I feel.

At times I am just in unbearable distress because I feel so isolated. I am very used to isolation which I felt from the beginning of life, but it's like my system can't do it anymore. I've made major efforts in the past to connect outwardly and it's been helpful in many instances, but the additional traumas of the last few years have made the world seem even more threatening. I have a lot of trauma flashbacks. I know I need to have some good experiences to counter the bad ones, but my trust has been really damaged. I feel the only safe place is to withdraw. I know there are some safe people, like the kind ladies in the local cafe. One of them has been particularly kind with me and basically drew it out of me that I was struggling after I kept trying to say "I'm good". It's really hard for me not to deflect. I know if I allow myself to feel the anxiety and be present with it, it helps more than if I try to suppress it. So I think it will ease in the coming days. But I just needed to write that out. I feel I have no one to tell what I'm going through, at least I don't want to tell them the worst things. I can feel I still have some life-preservation instinct left so I think I will fight for my own life. It's just such a struggle sometimes to keep going.

[white knight]

ER,

Well you do have me, us, all of us here. I'm so glad you posted. You have been here for quite a while and we are all vulnerable in pursuit of our happiness. It was only a few weeks ago I too had to find a safe place in my local clinic. That wasnt a good day, since though things have picked up.

I recall you commencing other threads to do with PTSD, family issues and other struggles. If you are wondering if your complaint about the chemicals is questionable please dont because I would do exactly the same. 

Like you I've lost family, a sister and her two adult daughters last xmas a result of some narcissism and triangulation that spelt the end of it all. That feeling of isolation is ever present but thankfully I've made some close friends in recent times that are close enough to call "family" and that is what we need to do, embrace others to find those special people in our lives. Blood doesnt make family, it makes people genetically joined.

You seem to have trust issues only in that you need reassurance from people that you are not likely to get, reason being most people have inner, natural means by which to tell if they are safe or not. With your past lurking away like an itch then of course you will feel insecure with many people. So what can we do that is practical as an answer to this insecurity? Well I start off with what doesnt cost money because you are already under a psychologist and with time at home delving into videos that make a positive mark on us is one good way.

So please google a few of these-

Prem rawat Maharaji all is well - that is saying how we can reassure ourselves

Prem Rawat Maharaji appreciate - that shows how to focus on things other than ordinary life challenges

Prem Rawat Maharaji the perfect instrument - an undertone of who we are

Prem Rawat Maharaji bring in the light

Prem Rawat maharaji the power to transform

He has so many more but those are the ones I feel might help you most. This inner homework can be a wonderful experience because we make progress or at least know the direction to head for inner peace.

ER, I feel I know you, kind, thoughtful and I hope we can at least fill up some gaps. 

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

Thank you so much for your kind response. I’m really glad you are doing better since a few weeks ago.

What I’m experiencing is definitely a PTSD/trauma thing. I’ve had so many experiences in being in situations where I have felt powerless to do anything about what is happening to me. So something about the chemicals going to be sprayed just really triggered me and left me with a desperate feeling. I can feel like I have no options.

From when I was a child onwards I went through multiple situations where speaking up for myself, defending myself or trying to escape from a situation was dangerous and led to harm. So when I’m in a situation where I might need to speak up for myself I can get massively triggered. But I did do it by sending the research info to back up my argument to the strata company and gardener that indicates the findings for that chemical in relation to the liver and biliary damage. I know they won’t spray my property now. I’ve learned that I have to take an action to demonstrate to the traumatised part of myself that it is possible to defend and protect myself from things that may be harmful. It’s only by physically doing an action that anything shifts in me. 

 I was already vulnerable because of feelings of loss of family and felt that everything I knew was breaking down. I’ve gone completely no contact with a relative who I came to realise fitted the exact definition of a covert narcissist and was harmful to me. The other family member it is harder because it’s not as straightforward and it still feels unresolvable with no clear answer at the moment. He is my last immediate family member now and it’s a huge thing to lose someone. It’s a triangulation situation as well (in-law related). I agree that you make new family with people you can trust and feel safe with. I have to keep forming healthy relationships because it’s the only thing that will break me out of my fear of people that pervades pretty much all aspects of life.

Thank you for the links. I’m not at home right now but will have a look. I know you sent me some of his things before and I watched them. I very much relate to what I remember of him saying to watch the sunset over a long time - fully watching it and being present throughout. I actually do that and it definitely helps. I watch it from my favourite rocky hill by the ocean.

 I have a Bowen Therapy appointment tomorrow which helps to calm down my autonomic nervous system and de-escalate the trauma response. So I know that will help. Thanks so much again for your kindness. It means a lot.

[white knight]

Hi,

So, I took a long time to acknowledge that my mother was a narcissist. I only knew after googling - queen witch hermit waif.  Then it all made sense. 12 years ago my sister and I finally stopped our mothers triangulation of us and we cut all ties. It took her power away. She's 92yo now and we wont see her again. Sadly prior to last xams my sister carried out the very same narcissistic triangulation that she learned from our mother and in effect made her adult daughters fight me on issues to do only with her and I. This was devastating. Either back down and save the family or stand by my principles and declare that I do not tolerate such behaviour. The latter won. So effectively I've lost all 3. But standing my ground against evil has no opposition in my world, triangulation, causing a loved one to lose their relationships is evil so I will not tolerate it.

That leaves my good friends to pick up the slack and for me to share my grief and struggles. Some dont mind, some go quiet, some offer solutions I dont consider, but either way I vent.

I've lived with triggers all my life. Hence the thread-

Triggers that down you. Triggers that lift you - Beyond Blue Forums - 103266

I 90% conquered anxiety but not triggers. So even today I get triggered but it doesnt include anxiety, odd eh?

I think your process of stopped your property was courageous and a success. We often forget while going about the conflict/discussions/ringing around that we are succeeding. We feel the stress more than the sense of achievement. Whereas its usually the opposite.

"we have our own little patch... but when we realise that Shakespeare breathed in the same air that we do now... we are all one..."  TonyWK

How do you feel today?

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

That was an almost untenable situation you were put in with your family members but it sounds like you did the right thing protecting your boundaries and values. But it would be very painful and I think I’m in that agony now, knowing things are not likely to change in my situation. I’m glad you have some people around you now who can provide some form of support, which may vary in how helpful it is at times but, as you say, you can take on the advice that helps and leave that that doesn’t. Triangulation is such an awful thing. I keep trying to remind myself I am actually relatively grounded and normal, but the crazy-making behaviour of others can really mess with a sense of reality. I’m trying to remember who I am when my sense of all I’ve known feels like it is disintegrating.

Today was pretty horrible. I went to the Bowen therapist this morning looking forward to releasing a lot of the traumatic stress in my body. But she asked me a lot of questions at the beginning and then kept giving me advice like she was a counsellor, when what I just needed was the Bowen therapy. She was delving into things that were stressing me and didn’t seem to get it. I eventually couldn’t keep answering and responding to her and broke down and couldn’t stop crying. I was shaking and really stressed. We eventually did the Bowen session which helped a bit, but I was dissociated. I had some traumatic grief visions come up at the end of it as well. I know she meant well though, but I think she isn’t quite understanding the trauma stuff I’ve been through and it is all too much for me to explain in that context which isn’t meant to be a therapy session. I prefer to know that’s what I’m doing when I see my actual psychologist but today I just needed the physical therapy I went there for.

 I walked after by the river kind of in shock. It did help somewhat being in nature as it always does for me. I realise how much unprocessed grief I still have. On the way home I stopped to watch the sunset at a great beach that is a huge curved bay. At sunset I met these two nice women who are on a trek along the coast. It helped me talking with them and hearing about the wildlife they’ve seen on their trek. They are really enjoying their journey. I just need normal conversations like this with good people that feel safe.

So I was triggered yet again today so I will definitely read your link on triggers. I haven’t read it yet but perhaps I experienced both good and bad triggers today, and possibly that tells me what I need going forward.

You are absolutely right that we often feel stress more than achievement. I wonder too if that is particularly the case for those of us who were treated punitively in childhood, so we tend to be hard on ourselves even when we might be doing something well.

I’ve still got pretty strong anxiety/stress going on. I need to remind myself that everything is in flux and things do alleviate sooner or later. 

Thanks again Tony for your care and thoughts.

[white knight]

It's very annoying while in a situation of not being in control of a situation, getting counselling when you havent asked for it, well this is vindication- I would feel the same. I suppose I would however have the ability/tenacity to change the topic and if they returned to their rants I'd say "I tried to change the topic" but I have the ability to say that as I can through tine, make it sound like a joke. Then if they continued I'd walk out. I've walked out from many meetings in my life. Hard to do but 1 minutes later its a good feeling.

You went to the beach? Wonderful. Have you thought about taking your music with you on earphones as well? Sitting overlooking a beach my favourite songs would be- Would it be your will (Cohen) by Antony, Sarah by Leon Burger, The wings of an eagle by Russell Morris or Pachelbel canon 5. But meeting those 2 ladies I'm sure brought you back to life. I think you did very well considering the shock of the event earlier.

My mother was over domineering and had other stuff likely BPD but never diagnosed- everyone else was nuts not her.  So, I grew up wanting to leave home and 4 days after my 17th birthday I was in the RAAF. I left it at 20yo and returned home. A few months later I was being spoken to as if I was 12 year old again and I didnt recognise her manipulation and triangulations. All this plus a back yard pool trauma at 12yo was eventually in 2009 diagnosed with dysthymia. That is a constant low mood depression caused by childhood trauma so I've picked up on your own trauma to mention this. Essentially we are left scarred.

This scarring is like we are in a permanent bubble of inner dwelling that keeps us thinking about the past. The tragic past is part of our brain, forever. My approach to this is to create figurative speaking, a hole in that bubble whereby we can stick out head out into life itself, keep our activities at a level of busyness that we dont retract back into that bubble. 

My wife and I plough into nature quite often, I have a bird feeder in the backyard. Watching them feed I love it. Currently watching a blackbird build a nest on top of my ladder under a carport lol. So my mind wanders.

LITTLE FEATHER

Little feather left and right

As you fall slowly in the night

Coming from a nest above

A bed of twigs and a world of love

Down it falls on the ground

A gust of wind to toss it around

Then as the sun rose to dry it out

The lighter it was to get out and about

Then along came a bird full of love

To take little feather to her nest above

Where little feather was put in a nest

To warm the heart where baby bird rests…

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your lovely poem. Feathers often feel special don’t they. I was once at home shortly after my Dad died. I was living in what was effectively a converted metal shed at the time. I was sitting at my computer and one small white fluffy feather floated down and landed on my keyboard, then another, then another. It really felt like a sign from my Dad. The structure I was living in was pretty basic, so I’m guessing they got through indoors somehow. But it seemed like they just materialised.

 I read the first two pages of your thread on triggers last night and it was helpful and also moving reading about your own struggles. I was too tired to read all the pages of it last night but will read the rest today. You have done so amazingly well Tony the way you have worked through your own struggles while reaching out to and supporting others who greatly appreciate that support.

 I haven’t thought of taking music to the beach but it would be nice to try. I tend to be very much listening to the nature sounds around me, but having music would be a different experience - like having a visual of the beach with a soundtrack. I’ve always thought writing musical scores for films would be a wonderful job and used to dream of doing that. There are actual courses for it at the Australian Film Television and Radio School.

 I’m seeing my doctor today which I was already doing for a prescription. But given my state of the last few days I think I need to tell him about that. At times I’ve felt like I need some kind of sedation but I have mixed feelings about sedatives in relation to trauma processing.

Yesterday I would not have been able to speak up as you described you would do. I go into what is essentially a trauma freeze and I lose pretty much all normal functionality and leave my body. I will have to explain to the Bowen therapist that I don’t want counselling sessions from her, just the therapy I went for. I was not capable of communicating yesterday.

Thanks again for your kindness Tony.

[white knight]

Hi ER

That freezing up, I get that also.

As for my threads I recommend, you only need to read the first post I wrote but it wont hurt reading more.

Some people need a helping hand with medication to assist during such periods and others dont, you'll be the judge. I personally have managed with my anti D's and waited until the the flow becomes the ebb and all good till next time.

I love incidents like those feathers drifting onto your keyboard. My FB page is full of animals and their antics, like a huge dog cuddling a kitten. There is positives in every negative and while challenges come with out mental health that cant be avoided no matter how motivated you are, when the cycle begins to drift, then the motivation can kick in.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

When I first separated from my 1st wife, I had a tough time raising my self esteem. I had a mirror in my 11ft caravan and every day I'd look into it and say "you are a good man, you deserve better, love, care and a future, you are a good dad, you will survive". I'd say it aloud. It worked, a few weeks later I began to believe in my abilities, bought land and built my 1st kit home. 

Rebounding will come. You will be ok. You are an amazing human being.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly Tony,

 I mentioned my mental health struggles to the GP today and asked about something sedating given my state, but he said that isn’t a good path to go down. He is probably right. It’s the first time I’ve ever asked for calming meds. I didn’t get the sense it was going to be a fruitful discussion re: mental health so I didn’t try to communicate further about it. However, I’ve recognised the primary issue is really deep, painful, complicated grief. I asked my psych about doing EMDR for that and so we are going to give that a go. I have spent the afternoon resting and sleeping and could feel stress leaving my body and that my nervous system is recalibrating. I am definitely improving and you are right, I am going to be ok.

Good on you for giving yourself that encouragement after the separation from your first wife, buying land and building your first kit home. That’s awesome! I think putting things into action makes such a difference. It gives you a feeling of efficacy and that changes what is happening in your mind and body. I find that going out and doing photography helps me in that way. Even yesterday when I felt terrible I took photos of the river and ocean and created something. I can now look at those images on my computer and see what I managed to create in the middle of horrible emotional pain. In time the photos remain but the pain dissipates.

 I’m definitely doing better like a healing energy has come over me. Thanks for being there when I really wasn’t good. So much appreciated 🙏